Anti Matter The Proving of Positronium Materia Medica

These themes can arranged in an alternative way that gives an impression of the 3-dimensional nature of the remedy.

		Centred
		Centred
		Clarity
		Calm
	Earthy		Practicality
		Organized
Structure				Curiosity
		History
Matter				Energy

		Energy
		Energy
	Torn apart		Exercise
		Unsure
Foreign				Weakness
		Sexuality
Anti-matter				Centred

		Anti-matter
		Can't be bothered
	Compression		Isolation
		Flat
	Self-centred		Within oneself
		Stony
Matter				Centred

		Matter
		Weight
	Oppression		Restlessness
		Threatened
Evil	Death	Dirt	Ugly	Destruction
		Aggression
Anti-matter				Energy

Weight

I moved my neck in a circle, it felt thick and as if my head was the same size - like a turtle.
01P 01 17.00 NS

Speech feels slow and deliberate, and very exact in a quiet and weighty way.
02P 01 20.40 NS

Feeling OK till supper. After supper a tremendous feeling of exhaustion and heaviness. Legs feel like they're buckling under me. I can hardly walk. Head feels slow and heavy. Food in my digestive tract feels like a stone. Can hardly think, eyes falling. Can't feel anything - too exhausted to even drag myself along.
02P 34 XX.XX NS

As we continued to sit silently, my hands and legs felt very heavy. There was a feeling of heaviness, but it was not oppressive or like the feeling of heaviness you get before going to sleep. I was holding my hands with my fingers locked together. The heaviness was such that I felt like I could not pull them apart without great effort (it reminded me of a feeling I had once before when I was hypnotized - the process going into the hypnotism where I was unable to separate my hands - here I could if I wanted to).
05P 01 17.00 NS

Heavy feeling in my body, similar to the one I experienced at beginning of proving. There was no feeling of pressure or tension. Noticed it most in my legs.
05P 01 24.00 NS

Don't feel so good today, feel heavier in my body and not ready for the day.
07P 07 09.00 NS

Headache still with me. Feeling so low, heavy. Eyes heavy, tired.
07P 51 XX.XX NS

Weigh myself, decide to lose this weight I have put on, feel adamant.
13P 12 XX.XX NS

Had to go to bed early last night and just felt too heavy to get up this morning. Feel that I am sinking into some sort of state, heavy, lethargic and uncaring of anything.
22G 52 XX.XX OS

Ate too much chocolate this evening and it was sitting heavily in my stomach. Had the urge to gag myself and vomit it all up. Have never been bulimic before.
22G 63 XX.XX NS

Whole body feels physically very heavy, eyelids heavy as if I can't hold them open. Feel as if I've been heavily drugged. This feeling continues until my first class and then my energy is a more normal pattern.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Feel very heavy all the time. No desire to do anything except lie on the settee and watch TV.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Earthy

Feeling like a gnome-woman now with my fluffy boots. Wanting to wear brown clothes, deep belly-laughs, good humour, able to laugh and joke at myself.
02P 04 12.00 NS

Somewhere, somehow internal connection with the image of a bear. It feels like I have bear's feet.
02P 10 XX.XX NS

Made good contact with my crystals today, especially the large quartz with pyrites on it. Felt a good strong connection with this stone which has sat outside my house for a full year, through all weathers and seasons. As I held it I felt as breeze of bracing fresh air rush through me, up to my head, skull and brain. I felt very alive and wide awake.
02P 12 XX.XX NS

I have been wearing orange - rust - brown for two days. It makes me feel very good. Like I am part of the Devon earth - a real product of my native place.
02P 49 XX.XX IOS

Stony

I wrote from TS Eliot: "Stone, bronze, stone, steel, stone, oakleaves. Horses hooves over the pavings..." Stone being the operative word.
01P 01 17.00 NS

Image of dark, arched hall. Glimpse of a massive, light sandstone statue, an Egyptian, Anubis-headed god, sitting on a chair, hands, palm down, on massive thighs.
02P 01 17.00 NS

A resolution in the situation with my partner. No feelings after the row, except a rock like implacable quality. I'm not moving. This is right. Then feelings of softness and melting towards her. Yesterday approaching each other. Flashes of anger and resistance feelings of being torn between two opposite poles.
02P 39 XX.XX NS

I feel that if I don't actually move my body, it will turn to stone, it will seize up and lose the power of movement and flexibility. I feel dry inside, as if there were no juice or moisture inside.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

I feel compacted and heavy, actually I have put on nearly a stone since the beginning of the proving. It's as if I were buried underground with masses of compacted stone pressing down on me. I can't move almost! I feel like stone inside. My face feels stone-like - no expression or vivacity my heart is a stone - unmoved and silent. I do not feel either cruel or kind - only unmoved and unresponsive, few feelings, they have not moved for five days or so. My whole body has a stony quality it doesn't bend. There have been twinges of pain in knees, hips, feet, right toe and right hand, especially the little finger - mostly early morning. Sex is impossible now as I feel no movement of desire towards my partner we have tried to make love but there is no feeling or desire in me at all. This has been worrying for my partner, but I just didn't seem to care at all.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

This is a sort of uncaring and not bothering feeling. What's the point anyway? Very different from how things were a week ago. I feel like a weight of authority on me - what authority? Whose authority? My increased weight is that of authority. It keeps me pinned to the ground, pinned and held inside my body, which has the quality of stone. My partner even commented that I looked like stone. I don't laugh much now, whereas I was light and free before. No tears or movement of feelings any more. All is cold, quiet and still. Like the grave, like being shut inside a dream. Perhaps my own body is a stony tomb. I feel this is the proving - it is moving still, strongly and with deliberation inside.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

I just sat in a chair for ages. I wanted to be quiet. I noticed I really felt inside myself. I knew I was physically here, but emotionally I felt like I was elsewhere - far away. Everything felt really intense and heavy, I thought where is my ability to have fun and laugh gone. It is not so much a feeling of flatness I experienced a few weeks ago - it just seems very still - like nothing is moving. I think I felt cut off from my emotions.
05P 53 XX.XX NS

On closing my eyes in bed I see faceless people, they are a strong grey colour and in a line sort of marching towards me. There is one white, as if made from chalk in the centre of them. The impression I have is that the people (men, women, soldiers) are made of stone or hardened clay.
07P 01 22.30 NS

Awoke about 05.30 with image of head with oars or spades in place of hair arranged around head - a still, solid, expressionless image. like stone?
11P 02 05.30 NS

Compression

Sometimes I feel squashed and compacted. Again the image of a small, rotund gnome woman. Sometimes my head seems squashed, as if I'm somehow peeping out from under a compacted and craggy, weatherbeaten brow.
02P 10 XX.XX NS

Alternation between a crushing state and a state of I don't care. In a tomb, by myself, under a mountain, and I don't care.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

I am feeling uncomfortable about my chest. Any breathing is starting to feel difficult and I am anxious that I will disturb the case taking. The pressure is feeling like a heavy concrete circle is pushing through my back. My breathing feels laboured and wheezy. I want to get out of the room. I didn't lose concentration through all this, I listened carefully to the case.
07P 02 15.00 NS

Oppression

I have a strong aversion to hearing others criticized, it feels sad and mean, and hurts me inside when I hear others pulled down. I feel like this often but not in such a deep way.
02P 12 XX.XX IOS

I feel how conditioned I have been by the stereotypes of women, good socially acceptable women - wives and mothers. It has almost felt like I don't have a right to a life of my own, but must give up to everyone else's needs, must endure patiently and accept this.
02P 18 XX.XX NS

How much longer does this Catholic conditioning last? Layer on layer has been impacted inside me like fire and volcanic activity, laying down layer on layer of sedimentary rock. It all feels heavy as stone inside me. The surface stuff gone, but the central feelings, from the blueprints and conditioning still there exposed and felt.
02P 20 XX.XX AS

I don't like to hear other people criticized or pulled down. It hurts my heart.
02P 21 XX.XX IOS

Realize that feelings of empathy for animals, people or nature in pain or difficulty are much stronger and deeper. Feelings of disgust for the tastelessness of TV with its diet of sex, sensation and violence are very strong, sad and contemptuous. How can standards of integrity, worth and peace be passed to our children, when so much pollution (of the Planet, of our minds) surround them. It makes me want to go and live on a desert island.
02P 32 XX.XX NS

Issues have been around compressing and oppressing. The adult world had compacted me, had squeezed all the juice and joy out of life - this had happened especially in my teenage years. Now it was happening to my daughters.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

I felt controlled and trapped today by my family. They wanted me to stay here rather than return to Oxford to help my sister in the kennels (my mother has just come out of hospital following an operation). It was not planned that I would stay. It was like being emotionally blackmailed, these are old issues for me (issues from childhood). I went for a walk. I really wanted to cry, I wanted to sit down and sob. I think it would have been a good idea just to get rid of all this shit that seems to have got stuck. A few tears came but I could not cry any more than that. This is really unusual. I don't think I cried a lot for about 6 months, but when I need to the tears flow.
05P 15 XX.XX NS

Earlier today I was aware that I felt guilty. Guilty about returning to Oxford and not being prepared to stay at my family's to help, especially as I am not working elsewhere at the moment. I have sorted this out now. I told them when I can come next week. This has stopped me feeling so guilty. It's just that I've been really aware of wanting and needing my own space, the importance of being able to do my own thing, whatever it is. And feeling able to be myself , I can't do that here.
05P 16 XX.XX OS

I sit down and can't fully concentrate. I need my space. I feel hemmed in. Went to park, drove, didn't want to be round streets and houses. Happy at the park, singing. Wanted to run. Lots of energy. Didn't run because it felt stupid.
05P 18 XX.XX NS

I think from the moment I got to the house I felt really anxious. I did not have the tight feeling in my chest instead there felt like there was a lot of movement. I felt like everything was racing about inside and things in the house were continuing at a normal place. One of my housemates was there. We sat down together to have a cup of tea and she started talking to me. I was trying to listen to her, or at least act normally and give the impression I was, but I found it really difficult to take in what she was saying, mostly because of the great amount of racing and rushing that was going on inside me. I realised that she had shut the door and that I felt really trapped. I don't usually have this sensation when I'm sitting in a room with the door shut. I needed to get out.
05P 19 XX.XX NS

I wanted to cry, sob. Things had got on top of me so much I needed to get rid of it somehow. I couldn't cry.
05P 22 XX.XX NS

I have felt my space has been invaded in the house. I felt so pissed off. I was there for peace and quiet, but the person I share with won't leave me alone. I don't mind making conversation and being sociable, I do mind the crap it contains. I just wanted be left alone to do what I wanted. I felt incredibly angry for most of day. I said nothing. I need to move, but I was hoping I wouldn't have to deal with this yet.
05P 22 XX.XX NS

I upset my grandmother she was making a fuss and I just wanted to be left alone. I kept saying leave me alone. I've realized that its really difficult for me to get any space anywhere. I feel so restricted.
05P 22 XX.XX NS

Didn't realize just how flat and negative I felt and was behaving, all came to a head during tutorial. It actually felt like I was in a courtroom.
05P 39 XX.XX OS

I phoned my aunt, I felt she didn't really understand what I was saying. There was a lack of connection. Usually I feel she really understands me. I was really worried that the others in the house had picked up the other phone and heard what I was saying about them. I felt really paranoid about this - fearful. I had to get out of the house - thought I was going to cry lots - just couldn't. Went to a friend's - felt so much better, normal, myself. I know I need to move house I can't/won't for lots of reasons. I don't think I can attribute this to the proving but it just seems like all the issues and things which need resolving keep coming up at the moment - they haven't for a few months.
05P 48 XX.XX OS

I had the feeling that the rug had been pulled from beneath my feet. Feel like I've come back to earth with a bump. It's like I've been out to lunch for ages and not really connected to what is happening around me. Things are beginning to seem normal again now. Keep experiencing difficulties with my mother, this is the worst our relationship has been for years. Mostly I get the feeling she is really invading my space (when I stay with her) and that she is trying to control and restrict me, not in her actions just in her words. We do not have a close relationship at all at the moment.
05P 68 XX.XX NS

Finding work more difficult, 22 children today, more difficult. Fear stressed, memory going. Feel susceptible to the children, they're getting on top of me. Want to order them and they don't want to be ordered. Feel close to losing it. I'm easily wound up, feel down, feel "God, I'm tired". (He says he feels similar to when he first started, before he was trained).
06P 05 XX.XX OS

My feeling is I haven't had a good day. I don't feel on top of things - they are on top of me.
07P 08 XX.XX NS

During day, tired, restless, irritable, felt put upon. Worse as day progressed.
11P 20 XX.XX NS

Felt irritable in evening - daughter's sleepover party, then had to pick up son, and drop daughter's friend off home - while husband watching Match of the Day upstairs! He was helpful earlier on in the evening, but I guess it all got on top of me. Came back from picking up son in a filthy mood! There was a group of people helping with party, obviously knew each other well, women all dressed in same way with 'Rachel' hairdos, and one man shouting across the room about football, to a guy dressed in black polo with gold chain on! The house was designer, matching curtains/walls etc., and I just felt it was so oppressive. They were so superficial. Really loud and brochy, couldn't wait to get out.
13P 09 XX.XX NS

Found it very difficult to get down to homework. Just so much else going on. Normally I'm much more able to, just can't settle down to it. Feel pretty put out by having to do homework as well!
13P 24 XX.XX OS

Got a parking ticket for first time, all these negative vibes I'm putting out! I got given two tickets, two days running.
13P 25 XX.XX NS

Centred

I still feel "solid", "complete". Still have the sense of being contemplative - meaning without thoughts or musings. The inner dialogue is much less compelling - at times absent.
01P 02 09.00 NS

I have a tendency to fantasy. Making up stories in my head, going over frustrations or wrongs, or sexual fantasizing, I'm finding this easier to control, not as compelling.
01P 05 XX.XX NS

A feeling of immense weight and safety in myself - a feeling of incredible peace and serenity.
02P 01 17.00 NS

Partner's mood very down and melancholic, but somehow I'm not bothered by this. I empathize and talk to her and cuddle her. She is unresponsive, but I feel no mingling with her mood. I feel steady and strong and able to weather whatever is around. Things/feelings touch me but do not sway me off balance.
02P 02 XX.XX AS

Feeling of being grounded and in myself today. Delight in food, smells, drinks.
02P 02 XX.XX NS

Able to negotiate with tutor over an issue which had been on my mind. Felt strong but not pushy or over-assertive. No sense of worry or anxiety over this, just an inner knowing that it would be fine and would all get sorted out step by step.
02P 02 XX.XX NS

Good feeling in the group, lots of laughter. Feeling relaxed and at ease with group members.
02P 03 12.00 AS

Still feeling very connected to my feelings, thoughts and physical self.
02P 03 20.00 NS

Went to couples counseling with my partner. Felt very strong and solid in my feelings. Very safe and secure in spite of the fact that difficult stuff was coming up in the session.
02P 04 XX.XX AS

Connection with the inside of myself and my feelings is very strong. I have danced with joy, and sung - things I have found difficult to do for some time.
02P 05 XX.XX OS

In spite of having zilch money, I have absolutely no worries. In fact I feel in a very blessed state, grateful and happy for all that I have been given.
02P 12 XX.XX AS

Slow and steady and connected feeling. All my actions, even the smallest gestures, seem deliberate and precise. Almost as if the smallest movement is imbued with significance. Similarly with words. I feel as if I speak only when it is important to speak. No wastage. Yet I don't feel serious inside. Something is dancing inside me - LIFE, and it feels strong, solid, vital and secure. Very trustworthy - all my blood and bone, tried and true, bold and peaceful too.
02P 12 XX.XX NS

I am aware of the caverns of dark silence inside and they are deep, still and full of living mystery.
02P 12 XX.XX NS

Partner still strangely remote and cut off from me. I have tried over the past few days to draw her out and encourage her to speak, but it hasn't worked. So hard to make a choice between spending time with her or with the kids. Suddenly she started accusing me. I felt a wave of sadness sweep over me and through me. I started to cry. I went into the bathroom to cry - it felt safe. Surprised that I connected so quickly with my tears and sadness.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

I feel valued and precious. I feel very centred and connected to all parts of myself.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

Feel quite happy to sit quietly and bide my time. No strong turbulent stuff inside. No impulse to do anything. Could this be stubbornness. Maybe things are at a stuck and immobile place. A sort of incomprehensible situation which I feel I must sit with and endure. Endurance and patience seem to be the keywords to understanding this state. No sense of hurry, fluster, movement etc. Just a slow and enduring forbearance combined with an inability to force things in one direction or another. I feel like a mountain standing through all weathers, times and tides and rooted deep, deep into the dark earth.
02P 14 XX.XX NS

Got stoned, haven't smoked for about a year. It seemed to bring up the effects of the proving even more strongly. I felt again like I had at the beginning of the proving, very connected to myself. (Unlike earlier today.) This time there was a real connection, and, there was not sadness, but a kind of regret for what has taken place between my partner and myself.
02P 15 XX.XX NS

Talked with my friend there was an empathy combined with a feeling of being grounded. He asked me to do a reading for him about his situation, and though I had not done one for a long time, I was very willing to. Felt very much in tune and connected and the words and pictures, the knowing, just flowed. I felt that I was not speaking, but being spoken through.
02P 15 XX.XX NS

A very strong awareness of my central power and centre of gravity.
02P 56 XX.XX NS

Feeling glad and happy to be my self in this body, in this space, in this family, in this relationship, in this world - it all feels very good indeed - very empowered and content and grateful and warm inside.
02P 59 XX.XX IOS

It feels like I am being showered with gifts and abundance from a wonderfully fertile and nourishing universe. I know that I deserve this abundance. Something in me has unlocked the tightness in my chest - the fear of lack has gone. I am not afraid and feel that I am showered with gifts and that God takes delight in giving me presents - just like Christmas Eve and waiting for the gifts on Christmas Day. I feel once again so safe, secure and strong inside. It feels that there is nothing that can shake me away from myself. I can hold the world in my heart and love it, expand to pour myself into the world - open my whole self to let all in. It's a fertile feeling - like life itself is making love to me!
02P 63 XX.XX NS

It's funny when we are meditating, there's a huge empty space in my head, normally it's constant thoughts all the time, different input and processing. I couldn't be bothered, and I just keep noticing how peaceful it is.
04P 01 17.00 NS

I felt really loving towards people and I felt like being nice which is really unusual.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Everything seemed beautiful, including the people - wanted to share it and be nice and love people, not for any gain.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Now working - interaction with others 'perfect' job - easy-going.
04P 16 XX.XX NS

I have noticed today how I am able to sit and be calm and still. I note this because it is such a contrast to the feelings of anxiety/apprehension that I've felt last month no feeling of anxiety just calmness. I feel it is really important to be open and honest at the moment. I was discussing a difficult issue with a friend and it felt really good to be honest and say exactly how I felt. Times before when we've discussed this particular issue I've felt quite awkward and that it was difficult to be so honest.
05P 42 XX.XX NS

Today has been fine. I feel like I've got a lot to think about a the moment - I need to be reflective. I'm not sure where exactly my thoughts are leading but it just seems really important to be able to take a time to sit and think. In some ways this all seems quite intense, there is a heaviness to it. It does not feel light-hearted or superficial. 05P 44 XX.XX NS

I feel that my sense of humour has returned - thank God, I felt like I'd lost it. Everything seems fine - I feel good, happy, like I've got energy. But this is more balanced than a few weeks up when I felt like jumping around.
05P 56 XX.XX NS

Child arrives at school. She is very upset because she is late - I notice how quickly she responds to my empathy with her. Today five children fall over at different times, there are lots of tears, they are all quite young. I give lots of cuddles. and again I notice how quickly they all respond to my treatment of them. Back from lunch, I'm asked to coax a child who is hiding under the coats in the cloakroom out. After a moving 10 minutes with him he comes out and we go to stroke and hold the guinea pigs. I've worked with this child for 2 1/2 years. He told me more in that 10 minutes about how he felt that he ever has. A child comes to me sobbing - he has been punched in the stomach. I hug him and pass him over to the teacher. This is the most amount of tears I've had to deal with in a day. I'm in town shopping - a boy of about 8 comes out of a shop with his mother and says hello warmly. I'm surprised - he doesn't know me. About 10 minutes later a small girl of about 3 is walking towards me pushing a dolls pram, she smiles and waves at me! What's going on!
07P 05 XX.XX NS

My swimming group - I get them out of the water and appeal to them to listen to me, I tell them I can't get on with the lesson unless they all listen. I explain how difficult it is if they all talk, or are calling me or just doing their own thing, and as I speak I see by their little faces that they all look very sorry for me. This amazed me, what was it about the way I was putting it over. Anyway, it held their attention and helped for the rest of the lesson. Another upset to deal with; a little adopted girl locked into silence because she'd been told off - she talks about it eventually and a few big tears run down her cheeks. I find this week that when I'm with all these children that are sad and in emotional or physical pain I'm able to be with them, to get right in there with them - but it's not pushing any buttons in me (usually it would upset me a lot as well). When I had to relay the last girl's story to someone else, my eyes filled up because she is such a sad little girl with such a heavy background.
07P 07 XX.XX NS

The overwhelming feeling of this remedy has been on one hand one of calm, focused, centred, self awareness. I have felt confident; sure of myself and clear about getting on with what I want to do. I have lost all sense of anxiety almost to the extent that I do not know the meaning of the word.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Generally moody for a number of days now. Sometimes feeling very irritable and intolerant, other times feeling very caring and forgiving, at one with the universe, etc..
12P 26 XX.XX NS

Felt very positive in evening at Shivah, (traditional period of Jewish morning, customary for people to visit and comfort mourners), we sought (friend) out and she was not talking to anyone. Found it very easy to talk to her, and understood practically everything she said to me (she's profoundly deaf). We were there about two hours, and my husband was feeling quite tired from standing, I, however was feeling fine, great actually. Felt very positive about learning to sign, despite my bad memory! Speaking to friend's helper, we chatted about homœopathy, perhaps she'll get in touch as a new patient - am not feeling so down about process of finding patients for supervision, much more philosophical, if she gets in contact, great, if not, I'll find other willing patients.
13P 06 XX.XX NS

Partner says I'm aggressive and aloof. I'm feeling happy and independent.
14P 09 XX.XX NS

Throughout the proving I have had the ability to enter a deep meditative state. Both the depth of the state and the ease with which I can enter it have been unusual.
15P 00 XX.XX NS

I am generally quiet serene myself except that I seemed to get unusually upset when I get a symptom. It occurred to me that weeping over my itchiness was unusual. Normally I would just shout and curse angry, but this time the reaction is somehow feminine. I still get easily irritable when I am being blocked in whatever I am doing.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

Had a major argument with my wife. It was the sort of situation where I felt in the right and would normally have shut myself off from her probably for several days, and this was my immediate impulse. However, I did not get drawn into that sort of feeling and just let it go. Firm in myself but not vindictive or even hurt. Very unusual.
22G 09 XX.XX NS

The "little boy" feeling that I have about myself was strong today and had a different quality. I usually feel like a little boy, that I am much younger than I really am, and that I am treated like a little boy. Today the feeling was there but there was an acknowledgement and acceptance of it that was unusual.
22G 13 XX.XX NS

Received a couple of E-Mails that were critical of me (unfairly). I would normally be quite angry, but instead I was only hurt and my actions were directed at mollifying the situation rather than fighting back.
22G 18 XX.XX NS

I was in this complete sort of doubled up, like in a torture chamber of pain and I couldn't see anything or connect with anything. And then, there was this incredible shift, it was like, Oh, I popped back in.
26G 02 XX.XX NS

Calmness

Thoughtful describes my state now. I said "thoughtful" but really, "contemplative" or "quiescent" would be more apt. I wrote "thoughtful" to describe my state of mind, but I meant "calm of thought".
01P 01 17.00 NS

Very efficient at practical tasks - cooking and chopping vegetables. Feeling a lot of energy and motivation to do things but at the same time a very relaxed and easy feeling.
02P 01 20.40 NS

Mood good all day, felt relaxed and mellow, easy camraderie with other members of the group. Good concentration and focus.
02P 02 XX.XX IOS

No sense of rushing, urgency, etc., but a need to say and do things right, in the right order, in the right way. Speaking out for myself in a very solid but non-aggressive way. Even able to do this in a humorous way. At times during the day fell into a pool of quietness, when I do not wish to speak, a warm, safe stillness. There seems to be a rhythm to my moods, they move gently and in the shape of a soft, smooth wave-like motion rather than being jerky, jagged and difficult.
02P 04 XX.XX AS

Find I can listen to difficult and personally challenging stuff from my partner without reacting angrily. It goes in, I feel it, and digest it, then it is released.
02P 04 XX.XX AS

Feeling alternately jovial and good humoured and serious. This feels fine.
02P 04 XX.XX NS

Shared something very hard and painful with my partner this evening, and was able to feel the pain and communicate this to her very simply. Then it eased and passed, with no difficulties on either side.
02P 05 XX.XX NS

No worries even when the car broke down and I had to tow it, a job I usually feel quite terrified to do, I was completely unfazed, and although slightly nervous, I accomplished this with ease.
02P 05 XX.XX NS

Partner in a difficult and sad space, but I feel warm and close to her, not swayed by her mood and sadness.
02P 12 XX.XX AS

Afternoon at the surgery doing the healing. Feeling soft inside but strong too. No feelings of rancour or resentment. Still sad and also bomb-blasted by the events of the day.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

The mood still steady and centred inside. Very good-humoured. Very motivated to work and study. Work does not seem to be a big issue, no resistance, just flowing into work and study in a very matter of fact way. No stress and a great sense of calmness inside.
02P 45 XX.XX NS

At first I thought the remedy had no effect. Then, as we sat quietly, it was as though my mind went empty. I felt very calm, all the excitement had gone.
05P 01 17.00 NS

The calm feeling continued while I was driving back to where I was staying. Was aware that I was in this calm and quiet state and realized I needed to concentrate on my driving.
05P 01 XX.XX NS

The only new thing I've noticed, or the thing which seems most apparent is that I feel quite laid back and calm.
05P 06 XX.XX NS

When friends talk to me and get worked up over things, I stand there thinking "God, what are they becoming so worked up for". It's like they're talking really quickly and I feel like I'm being really calm. It' seems better to take things at this slow relaxed pace. I feel laid back, mellow. This is unusual for me (usually a bit more anxious and nervy). I just don't seem to be worrying about things like finding another job and money - I feel like I should be.
05P 06 XX.XX NS

Went to visit my proving supervisor today. I felt very relaxed. Usually when I go to someone's house who I don't know I get a little bit nervous and apprehensive on arrival and it takes me a while to settle and feel comfortable. On this occasion I felt relaxed and at ease from the beginning.
05P 07 XX.XX NS

I have managed to do some homework this afternoon. Since sitting in the safe haven of my room I am feeling much calmer, especially if I listen to music.
05P 19 XX.XX NS

I noticed I didn't feel nervous beforehand. Which is strange when meeting new people etc. For first time. I just thought this is OK even if I didn't get the job that's OK too.
05P 48 XX.XX NS

A debate starts up in the pub. I listen to both sides. I have an opinion of my own, but it doesn't seem to be able to stir me, I can't work up any strong feelings. It's like there is a stillness of my feelings.
07P 02 21.00 OS

Awoke very suddenly into a wide awake state, with image of a deer with large antlers lying on the ground - still, beautiful, ageless.
11P 03 04.00 NS

Relaxed. Mania gone. (Had previously been quite manic for about 10 days.)
12P 01 17.00 NS

There has been a change in emotions after the remedy. Feeling more peaceful with much less anger than usual.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

Spoke to someone on the phone. Felt a bit over excited, prattling on and imposing myself, in the way that I find embarrassing. Perhaps not as mortified by it as I would normally have been.
22G 09 17.00 OS

Everything going wrong tonight, fuses blowing, things breaking, but I didn't worry about it and it all turned out alright in the end. This continued right through the proving with things, especially electrical and mechanical things, going wrong at an exceptional rate, but I was unfazed by it.
22G 20 XX.XX NS

Responded to the nonsense from the school calmly and positively. Just did things rather than get worked up about them.
22G 26 XX.XX NS

Within oneself

I had a peculiar sensation of more than one set of eyelids closing, as if I were closing down further and further, going deeper and deeper and the light kept getting darker and darker and I went in. All I got was a sensation of completeness and very much aware of the structure of things. Didn't, I thought go very deep and then at some point I had the sensation of those same sets of eyelids going back up and the light getting brighter and brighter until I moved my neck - it felt like a turtle almost, as if my neck and head were one shape and size. I moved it around like that and as the light became brighter I opened my eyes and again things are very clear for me.
01P 01 17.00 NS

Felt quiet and still in the car on the way home. Didn't want to talk. On return home felt taciturn and serious.
02P 03 18.00 AS

Wanted to sit on my own quietly - not interact with anyone else.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

I has been locked away within myself for most of the day. At one point I felt so far inside myself that I wasn't sure where I was. It's a bit scary being aware of feeling that far removed on one hand but also wanting my space.
05P 22 XX.XX NS

Friend rings - my voice is flat. I feel tearful, but they don't flow. I try to disguise my feelings. She's very helpful at pointing out stuff. She said "why do you feel you have to be the one to sort out all these kids? Let go of business, about child who was sent home. You can't be everything to these children. You can't do it all, pass some of it over to someone else. You had reached your limitations". That put it in perspective for me. I decided I'd spent too much time in myself so I put my diary away and firmly agreed to leave it until I'd had a rest. Put my mind on jobs in hand which took me out of myself.
07P 09 XX.XX NS

I'm feeling quite self contained and in myself, as if I'm an element on my own. I'm operating on my own, relatively unaffected by other members of my team at work and students at college. Children affect me, they can irritate me easily or move me emotionally, especially when they are upset.
07P 48 XX.XX NS

This morning I feel not quite all there. I've got difficulty focusing on what's going on. My mind, actually being here, its not that I'm anywhere else, I'm just not all there.
14P 02 XX.XX NS

Self centred

No feeling of contact or closeness with my partner. No wanting physical closeness or touch. A feeling that she's in her space and I'm in mine. No difficulty with this but she has noted it.
02P 03 20.00 NS

Refused to fetch daughter from a friend's as she had not made arrangement to do this. Felt strong but flexible with clear boundaries.
02P 03 XX.XX AS

Went to partner's for dinner. She just wasn't "there". It made me fall silent. I had nothing to say. I left without ceremony or thanks.
02P 14 XX.XX NS

I am alone in the house, feeling safe and happy to myself. I can hear the sound of silence, like a warm cloak. It feels so good to have unlimited time for me. I need space.
02P 18 XX.XX IOS

I just know that I can't bend myself into any more different shapes, trying to suit everybody.
02P 34 XX.XX AS

Needing to make my voice heard in group/college issues at the weekend.
02P 38 XX.XX NS

A strong desire to fight others' battles for them. Jumping in to defend those I care about. Very touched and moved by cruelty and injustice and pain in others it feels like my own!
02P 47 XX.XX OS

Partner on Sepia which is bringing up lots of anger in her. Have not felt intimidated by the irritation and anger. And kept centred and balanced in this. But the reactions boiled over today in accusations. My response was first to try to talk about the problems, then, when her accusations became angrier, I walked away, choosing not to get involved in such a tirade. Since then, I have felt completely OK, with no desire either to contact her or talk to her.
02P 53 XX.XX NS

Concerned re personal cleanliness - rare! Wanted to be clean and well-presented.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

On waking put on make up - unusual! felt more feminine - more girlie.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Materialistic (more than usual) re: clothes, appearance. Redecorating.
04P 32 XX.XX NS

I have been told that I seem irritable. I don't feel it. I just feel that I want to be quiet and left alone. I don't want anybody to make a fuss. I just want to be peaceful.
05P 04 XX.XX NS

Over the past few months I have had an issue with my step-father invading my space. This seems to be getting a bigger issue. I need my space, I wish he'd keep out of it.
05P 04 XX.XX RS

Sometimes, and this has been growing since Xmas, I just feel like I want to get away from them (my family), it's like I need to be separate from them and be able to do my own thing. I sometimes have this little daydream where I could almost disappear (I wouldn't want to cause anyone any heartache) and start up again somewhere else leaving all my childhood issues and stuff like that behind me. I feel like I need to be separated from them in order to do this.
05P 17 XX.XX NS

I was with a friend was talking at length about her day at work. I felt really pissed off sitting there listening to it, I thought, "God this is so incredibly boring." It all seemed so superficial I want to be open and talk about emotions and feelings.
05P 40 XX.XX NS

I got quite pissed off here this evening. There seemed to be nowhere for me to sit and just be. I felt angry that my space was being invaded. I just wanted to sit quietly and be on my own. I wanted to cry for a few moments because I couldn't get what I needed ie. my space. The feeling passed. I realized I was unable to cry. It felt like tears had come into my eyes but that was all.
05P 45 XX.XX NS

Feel very averse to sympathy, tried to talk to girlfriend, but she was annoying me. Felt wound up and nervous. Find people really annoying. Want to be left alone. Find it hard to communicate back. Feel what I'm getting back is just annoying me.
06P 05 XX.XX NS

He felt scruffy. Didn't work on homoeopathy, read a book for his own enjoyment. Played piano lots.
06P 11 XX.XX NS

Improvements in relationships - my girlfriend has become less possessive and insecure, and I felt freer and able to end it if I want to.
06P 13 XX.XX NS

Have a desire to spend money and also fear of not having enough (has inherited some money and doesn't want to squander it). Everyone thinks they would be pleased - I'm pissed off, they don't listen I am trying to sell everything I don't need. I'm on a mission. I'm very fixed on material things. I'm going over everything, getting rid of things, making space for new things to come into my life. I want to keep all the good things, possessions orientated, in control of money. Still have fears around money.
06P 16 XX.XX NS

Feel irritated and want to escape from a 6 year old boy (at work). Felt quite tormented by his demands and needs - I want to be on my own. He's too much.
06P 16 XX.XX NS

Almost missed planning meeting, felt panicked. Wanted to lie, say it was the traffic (normally I would be honest).
06P 20 XX.XX NS

Felt anger, brooding, and confusion over course group problems with tutor. I felt I didn't have the problems, don't try and drag me into it.
06P 37 XX.XX NS

I sit still and let others do the organizing and deciding. I don't feel lazy or heavy, I just feel like sitting and using minimum of effort.
07P 01 18.30 NS

Shopping in Tesco. My perception is that everybody is in my way. I can't go down any aisle without people pushing in front of me. It's as if they can't see me, as if I'm not there. I'm getting more and more irritated by everyone.
07P 08 16.00 NS

Teacher is off sick, a supply teacher is in, kids are awful and my tolerance is not good. I realise I'm operating on a short fuse - my period is due. The emotionally disturbed boy is sent home - I feel a failure - perhaps if my tolerance had been better.
07P 08 XX.XX OS

I find I'm very assertive over an incident in the staffroom, my tolerance of other people's weaknesses is not good. I feel determined not to be walked over.
07P 12 XX.XX OS

I seem to want to avoid contact with people. I can listen but can't seem to engage in conversation. It's as if I have nothing to say to people - when normally I love a chat and can make conversation with all these people readily. The phone is not ringing, no one has rung me and I don't feel inclined to ring anyone. I feel hard done by, neglected. This feels so strange because I have always been critical of people who play these stupid games of waiting for people to ring them. I've always been a believer in the theory that you get out of life what you put in and that if you don't reach out to people and make the moves sometimes, then you won't receive back. It doesn't occur to me that people may have problems of their own - I am centred in myself - but I can't seem to get out of it. What's more, I dig my heels in and refuse to ring anybody.
07P 17 XX.XX NS

Feel tearful and emotional around 6.00 p.m. Comes on and off out of the blue. I feel abused and used by my children - as if they are draining me. They take everything - I feel very taken for granted. I sit and tell my eldest son how I am feeling. I don't feel I'm getting any sympathy or understanding. I tell my daughter now, I'm more cross about it now. I get the same lack of sympathy - my response is to say 'you don't have to treat me like a slave'. I don't know where that came from. It was a spontaneous response and it surprised me. I seem to want to let them know that I do things out of love for them but at the moment it feels very one-sided. I decide I will set up a rota for them all to help with things. They don't mind but I know it's going to be an effort to set up and run.
07P 50 18.00 NS

I couldn't seem to stop myself nagging and finding fault . My husband and children remained quite happy and laughed at me. They pointed out that they have had a great weekend without any agro, so why was I trying to change it. This pulled me up and made me think, I wasn't getting through with my negativity, their calm positive energy was too powerful, so I just stopped my nagging and gave in. It was so strange, I was aware I was observing the situation and noticing the difference between them and me and I had been unable to stop myself initially.
07P 95 XX.XX NS

Linked to this has been intense laziness and desire to be self indulgent. I have said to my partner on several occasions "I want it all my own way". I have also become introverted in the sense that I want to get on with what I want to do and do not have any great interest in talking to other people. I have had no desire to go out for the sake of entertainment, although I do feel the desire to indulge myself. All in all I have felt very self-contained. (There was one occasion where I reverted to the manic state I felt before taking the remedy and a couple of times where I have been overcome by intense and unfocussed anxiety, these states have lasted up to 36 hours and then completely disappeared).
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Aversion to company. Aversion to talking. Self centred, wanting to be inside myself rather than extrovert and sociable.
12P 01 XX.XX NS

Very irritable and intolerant of others. Critical. "I know best" attitude. Defensive, judgmental, ungenerous.
12P 22 XX.XX NS

Had my hair cut - I wanted a change, but was aware I didn't want a drastic one. Quite a bit shorter on top and sides, not exactly what I wanted but it'll grow. Aware of great disappointment when I was pregnant one time and went short.
13P 07 XX.XX NS

Went to a seminar and probably spoke more than I should have. I did not have the "pompous ass" feeling I usually have about myself. Whether this is a good thing or not I do not know.
22G 12 04.30 NS

Walking to catch a train, took a short cut through a very seedy neighbourhood. A man in a car was trying to run over a girl. She was running away, but he kept driving after her. I sheltered her while someone called the police and he drove away. I was not at all scared as I am sure I would normally be. Completely calm. It really upset me that this girl who seemed to be a nice person should have to be so terrified and must lead a pretty horrible life in general, I assume that she was a hooker. But I was also thinking that if the world was all perfect it would be a pointless and completely boring nothingness. It struck me how selfish this was that she should suffer so I, who live a pretty easy life, should not have to be bored. Seems to be no answer to these questions.
22G 35 06.00 NS

I have been reading novels recently. I used to read at least a couple a week. More or less gave up when I started homœopathy, partly because I had not time, but also because nothing seemed very interesting. Several have brought up strong childhood issues. Reading one now about the Jesuits and have realized how completely they set my moral and social beliefs. Feel that I want to do something of a missionary nature (though not religious). Part of the feeling that I/we are selfish in our lives.
22G 50 XX.XX OS

Met prover number 6 he is having a terrible time with a painful angry rash all over his body. Cannot find anyone to treat him and give him an antidote. Mixed feelings again. Bad for him; good for the proving. This sent me deeply into the proving state.
22G 56 XX.XX OS

Clarity

I have wonderful clarity of mind, too, and my eyesight is still good.
01P 01 22.00 NS

Clear headed, thinking and communicating clearly. Strong and flexible with a sense of my boundaries and what is right, correct and proper. I don't feel inflexible.
02P 03 XX.XX AS

Feelings seem to be felt clearly and strongly, unmuted and very defined. Emotions are moving very quickly, not skimmed over, but they are inside me, deeply felt, then it is as if they shimmer, shift and change, flow on.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

Feel motivated to get things done, but not mechanically or obsessively. A sense of order and proportion in things.
02P 27 XX.XX IOS

Motivated to work and do things, but do them correctly and in the best way.
02P 29 XX.XX NS

The need to get another picture, a need to be creative and express with colour and form. The picture has been taking shape in my imagination for the last week.
02P 42 XX.XX IOS

Feelings very present, determined and centered. I feel totally in myself. A very good feeling. Keep feeling very much in touch with nature, animals, the world, they are within me, I in them, a feeling of no separation to the same substance and energy. This has made me even more acutely aware of the insides of people and things. I can acutely sense the truth, even if what is said is something different. I have had this for a while, but it is much stronger and more sure and infallible than before. It makes me impatient with falsehood, deception or lack of clarity. Everything seems so easy, especially truths and being honest to the depths. This is a very strong and empowering feeling for me. I seem to have become even more blunt and outspoken than usual, no patience with niceties, or stepping round the bush.
02P 42 XX.XX NS

Mind very defined and very clear not rational so much as clear. Feels like air and fire are working very much together to empower me. Earth is organized and structured in me, and water is empathetic and very in tune with others. A strong feeling of balance inside. Very safe and very secure. No fluffiness or ill-definition. Very decisive and sure of what I need or don't need right now.
02P 47 XX.XX NS

A real connection with my anger and irritation which does not feel in anyway too volatile or out of control, off but is tightly controlled and feels very empowering. Anger and brooding resentment have just ceased to exist altogether. When I feel provoked I respond strongly and congruently, but in no way does it feel over the top. I do not feel in any way afraid or ashamed of anger or irritation.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

I feel very much clearer in mind and in reason - very connected, decisive, clear and well motivated, able to put points strongly and clearly. Also much better able to listen, follow arguments and lines of thought and make good and strong deductions.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

Today I feel that I can perfectly understand where she is hurting, but also understand that I do not need to enter into useless and petty arguments. It felt good and strong to walk away from the anger. I did not need to be attacked or accused, but I did not need to respond angrily either.
02P 53 XX.XX NS

Got pretty pissed off yesterday evening when I went to a meditation and chat evening. The therapists were talking in a way which showed the fluffy and down right irresponsible ignorance of alternative medicine, which showed a complete lack of understanding of energy medicine and a total unawareness of cure, disease or good and responsible management of patients. I spoke out and challenged these women, who were thinking very much on an allopathic model. I came back feeling very angry and annoyed and worried that people with wishy-washy views, without real understanding and competence were giving the whole of alternative medicine a bad name.
02P 56 XX.XX IOS

Very self-determined, good motivation - strong to defend self/others, but not overly aggressive at all, just very clear and straight talking.
02P 59 XX.XX NS

Good insight and intuition about my own stuff, but also about others. Feeling very able to follow my intuition even though some of it sounds funny or suspect. No problems taking risks, acting decisively on hunches. no fear about this.
02P 59 XX.XX NS

Even voices sounds very more dimensional audibly. They seem to have a lot more resonance within and smells seem more acute.
04P 01 17.00 NS

Now reading a book that I couldn't before - The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.
04P 09 XX.XX NS

My mind seems to be quite clear - it is as though I have been able to rationally think through a concern that I was frustrated and felt emotional and anxious about before the weekend. Feel like I can see this particular concern more clearly like I understand what is going on and I know what I'm going to do about it. I have chosen not to become frustrated. Usually I would get really anxious about something like this.
05P 03 XX.XX NS

I felt very tired today. I did not sleep will last night a combination of having things on my mind and smoking too much. I travelled to my family's today to work in the kennels, working is fine, I was not keen about being round them. I'm really aware of my boundaries (or lack of them) here. I felt angry with my mother for not saying clearly what she wanted me to do - everything is so hazy. I have been aware over the past few days that I keep staring at things, objects, trees, bushes, with great intensity. Its like I give them a hard stare. My eyes are wide open but I feel they are very focused on what they are staring at.
05P 43 XX.XX NS

I have been irritable today - with members of my family, notably my grandmother. I'd just be lashing out at her off with things she said, this is not totally unusual. But I've noticed over last week was so we're not getting on well. I wish she'd be clear and say what she once rather than hinting at things. I wish she wouldn't keep interfering in the kennels and keep doing things which are not her responsibility or doing things it wasn't agreed she'd it.
05P 49 XX.XX NS

I feel like I've come back from wherever it is that I've been. I feel like I've got more of a grip on what's going on. I don't feel as lost. I feel ready to take action and move on - be active and do things. (whether I will or not I don't know but the feeling is there.) I don't know why this has happened I think having the opportunity to talk about my low self-confidence and my difficulties with homœopathy in general today with a friend has really helped. This afternoon and this evening I felt compelled to do my work. Things seem clearer. It was like having a sudden surge of activity after weeks of nothingness.
05P 54 XX.XX NS

I reflect and think how clear my mind seems, even though I haven't felt physically well, my mind has been sharply attentive.
07P 03 13.30 NS

Mind stays clear all day - I feel very rounded and sure of what I'm doing and thinking.
07P 03 XX.XX NS

Asserted myself with Head over child who was sent home on Friday - quite firm in my opinion - not afraid to say what I think - the same later on with Deputy Head. Kids playing up and I'm feeling - what the hell - I'm not paid for all this agro. I'll have the minimum to do with it.
07P 11 XX.XX NS

Still want to focus on the matter at hand as I see it- very focussed.
09P 14 XX.XX NS

Want to say what is on my mind, have my thoughts organized and want to get them out in that order without interruption.
09P 14 XX.XX NS

A little better, more focused during day and by evening actually felt angry for the first time since taking the remedy - feels like a return of some feeling. I get the impression that the effects of the proving are beginning to reach a conclusion.
11P 43 XX.XX NS

The stuff that has become much clearer seems to be related to the dilemma between that which is physical and practical and that which is spiritual and perhaps fanciful. This is the dilemma that is central to my story. I have a wish and need to do practical things, to be successful. I have an excessive need for things and possessions. At the same time I have a desire to be spiritual person and to live in a spiritual world. I love the city and the comforts of home. I love the countryside and have a desire for wildness and distance and being in a spiritual natural world away from people. I am extreme in both of these polarities and though neither would satisfy me I cannot accept a compromise that dilutes either, nor could I ever be satisfied by an alternation between them, both polarities can only be themselves in the extreme that denies the other. This Manichean attitude has also permeated my views of people, of gender and of sexuality. I abhor the grossness of physicality and I am repelled by the idea of touch; and yet I am constantly aware of the spiritual purity of beauty and of sexuality. Again there is no possibility of compromise each is itself only in the extreme. My attitude to these things has not been changed by the proving, in fact they have probably become more extreme, I am certainly more aware of them. However, I never have regarded them as a problem. My idea of cure would be to accept things in their unresolved extremity rather than to move towards a fuzzy compromise.
22G 20 XX.XX OS

Everyone looked beautiful, had beautiful faces - it was a real pleasure to look at them.
23G 01 17.00 NS

Have felt totally unable to make small talk with people. I look at people chatting and think, "How do you think of things to say like that?"
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Structure

I had opened my eyes, looked at my hands and thought, "these are my hands".
01P 01 17.00 NS

I began to feel a sense of "completeness". Inner structure, not bones but lines of tension (not stress) from my periphery to my centre.
01P 01 17.00 NS

Opening and closing of interior canals and tubes - a pulsating feeling of opening and closing.
02P 01 17.00 NS

I saw what looks like the interior of the body - tubes and canals with junction-like joins, almost like an interior motorway.
02P 01 17.00 NS

Moved very much by violin concerto (Bach) which was on TV tonight, it moved me to tears. The shape and structure of it contained and expressed such energy and freedom and sheer exuberant joy that I felt tears spring into my eyes, and my insides felt like they were jumping.
02P 45 XX.XX NS

Classical music, especially opera, causes some feeling inside - more to do with the structure and space of the music than the actual feeling.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

After taking remedy and while meditating saw a grid of thin white lines against a dark background. It looked rather like the outlines of bricks, but the lines did not all touch.
09P 01 17.00 NS

Fantasy of a headdress of thin white lines outlining a block on my head, tall way up.
09P 01 17.00 NS

Very aware of my body in Tai chi. Very conscious of where my energy is and whether it is directed internally or externally.
12P 05 20.00 NS

A strange awareness of my body, 3-dimensional. I was aware of each part of my body not as it related to me or even to other parts of my body, but purely as each part was in a 3 dimensional space. I would normally be aware of my nose as on my face but was aware of my nose for its own independent, spatial existence.
22G 01 17.00 NS

History

Themes of motherhood around at present, and a sort of sadness at the ways in which mothers endure and still continue to nourish, despite children's lack of appreciation. This ties in as well with the Mother Planet, our Earth, which I feel as beautiful, strong, female and benevolent, but so abused and disregarded. This has come up in ways with my children, a sort of patient sadness combined with a willingness to continue to serve and work, so that coming generations may live and be nourished. Sounds strange, but somehow catches the ineffable wistful enduring and patient quality I feel in myself.
02P 10 XX.XX NS

I feel very connected in my heritage to the gifts which my parents have handed on down to me - gifts and qualities that I have inherited from them. They had freely given. I feel that all past grievance and pain in my line of inheritance, all that I have held against my parents and their actions - have been forgiven. I feel that I have dropped this load finally. All is clear between my parents and myself. There is no blame, only understanding and forgiveness.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

I watched a programme on TV about the mummies of the Takla Makan desert in North West China. I felt something moved me - the idea of heritage and a common human ancestry. These poor, desiccated bodies were my grandparents. The child who had been buried alive and whose dry, mummified mouth was still open in a scream, was my child. I felt very moved, as if I had been there. A sense of my own history going back over the millennia - all I've seen, lived and witnessed - all my actions - unaware and violent, loving and kind - all these stick to me light a kind of glittering snow - they are enriching and building me. Sculpting me into this moment of present time. So, the feeling of my own ancestry and history linking strongly with my own bloodline and the connection with all those people who have walked this earth. I have noticed a more than usual strong interest in history - world history, and my own. I have been talking to my daughters about events in my own life. They seem to want to hear.
02P 62 XX.XX NS

I also had the strangest sensation that there was something going on with the number 3. (I had had a dream previously about 3 groups of 3 swans...) I felt sure that we had overtaken 2 or 3 cars on 3 occasions, and then they kept appearing in front of us. Just as this happened we passed the A3313. I got really spooked by this and tried to put it out of my mind. Later when it came back in my mind again I saw a car with 3 3s on its number plate. I tried to convince myself that I was being really silly, but then two more cars appeared in front so that in front of us there was a line of 3 cars on all lanes of the motorway all with 3s in their number plates. I felt at this point that it would have been really easy for me to become totally paranoid at this time, but kept my balance. I searched my mind for symbolism of 3s in Jewish culture, of which I've forgotten much, and could only think of the 3 patriarchs (Abraham, Isaac and Jacob) representing heritage, belonging and family. I did not talk about this to anybody. During the remainder of the journey and the evening became increasingly distant, nauseous, weak and tired, but felt much better emotionally in general, if numbed emotionally.
11P 38 XX.XX NS

Husband said I was miserable and whingey over the last few weeks. I feel depressed/low. Especially about daughter of 18. Finding it very difficult. Our relationship is going particularly badly at the moment. What do you expect from an 18 year old? I keep telling myself that she's going through a particularly hard time. Hormones, changes, being not quite adult in an adult's body. Sometimes behaving like an adult/sometimes feeling still like a child. Thinking about myself at the same age!, initiated a conversation with parents in a general way about my daughter, was quite happy to refer to self at that age. It all comes down to same thing. These conversation always have the same trend no matter what the subject - and then I get very down about the outcome. They are very superficial. They never reflect about their role in any of this. Father always very supportive of mother.
13P 15 XX.XX NS

Went to see a movie, "The Ice Storm". It really freaked me out because it was about a place and a time and partly about an age that exactly matched my experience: A young teenager in rural Connecticut in the early seventies. Last night had been discussing the proving with another student and had been talking about what seemed to be the importance of the family to the proving. One of the first lines of the movie was "The family is your own personal anti-matter. The place you come from and the place you go to."
22G 21 XX.XX NS

Organized

Last night at a group meeting. I got quite passionate about the structure of the group and issues such as time-keeping, the need for the group to stabilize at a certain number, the need for group members to have read the material before coming, the importance of everyone understanding and feeling the complete sacredness of the group space.
02P 34 XX.XX AS

Very much more motivated to get things done, also very much more organized. A feeling that it will all get done, in the right time and in the right way. This feeling very good and very empowering, none of my usual resistance.
02P 42 XX.XX NS

I feel like my energy level has returned today. I feel I want to be really organized about everything. The water is being cut off for 36 hours while the water company are doing repairs. I went round filling up vessels with water including the bath to make sure we are prepared.
05P 40 XX.XX NS

The key thing for me today is that I want to be very organised. I want to sort everything out. This is not an unusual thing for me but I am very aware of it at the moment. Went through the things in my room and put away things I do not really need like ornaments. Left out a few things noticed they were to wooden ones.
05P 41 XX.XX NS

Feeling busy still, writing letters, tidying up, phoning people up, ordering up. Have a fear of things being stolen. Feel very "arsenicum".
06P 05 XX.XX IOS

Come home from shopping after a few minutes; I blow my top at my three children - there's mess everywhere; lights on all over the house, piles of washing up. I moan for about 10 minutes. I give them jobs to do - organize them, then it quickly dies down and is gone. My oldest son remarked on the suddenness of it coming and passing.
07P 05 17.00 NS

Want to cry - I've got so much to do. Bathroom is so tatty and mucky looking. Feel like I want to have good clear out of all the clutter in the house. Can't afford the time. Must get on.
07P 24 XX.XX NS

Still clear thinking. Decided to do my planning for teaching tonight- for whole term!
09P 04 XX.XX NS

Am organizing lots of stuff around course, life, etc., but still not able to settle down to any work.
13P 30 XX.XX NS

Unsure and Confused

Last night at work I had to be quite firm with the team (of telephone callers) I manage. This bothered me - still does. I am questioning my reactions, my readings of situations. Lots of self-doubt. Irrational fears - no - more the manifestation of fear without cause. Result nervousness, apprehension, lack of confidence. This apprehension that I had acted inappropriately stayed until the team came in at 5:00 pm. Then I saw that it was my doubts that were inappropriate.
01P 08 10.00 NS

Felt as if I had another cold coming on - before the effects of the last are over! Draggy feeling, sniffly, upper respiratory fuzziness & heaviness. Mentally fuzzy too.
01P 30 XX.XX NS

I had another of those incidents where my normal understanding was completely upset. Another management incident that I blew out of all proportion. One of my callers, as we were leaving for the night, first asked me if she could stay behind in the building to eat her dinner - I said no. Then she asked the night watchman who said he didn't mind. Irritating but no big deal. Walking to the train I began to lose all sense of proportion. I had to stop and think over things in a kind of logical fashion because I began imagining all sorts of terrible things, ie. she was "always trying to stay afterwards - possibly she was part of an organized group who intended to steal the computer equipment. Eventually I arrived at the "fact" that "I am management. The night watchman is staff. I am responsible and should be the last to leave". I returned and met the girl leaving the building. I had to be firm with her. Next day I wondered what I was fussed about. It was not a big deal and there was no real reason she couldn't stay afterwards.
01P 68 XX.XX NS

Very good humoured and jovial, much belly-laughter. Feelings are connected with a strange desire for fluffy things. Bought fluffy warm boots, and some grey fluffy car seat covers. The boots made my feet feel much more comfortable and warm. Fluffy makes all symptoms better.
02P 04 XX.XX NS

I have no answers any more. All is soft and unformed. No plans and no ultimatums.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

The anger and injustice, sadness and fear I felt this morning were similar to those I used to feel as a child.
02P 13 XX.XX OS

There's a dizzy sensation in my head and the thought of sadness which somehow I can't contact in my feelings. I don't know what it's about or why. I wish that I could cry, but I can't. There's a searchlight in a tall tower in my head, and when I try to reach down into the earth inside me I can't feel clearly, only a sticky, muddy, sludge with none of the clarity and intensity of feelings that is normal and healthy. I wish I could cry and there is a small lump in my throat, but there is something so stuck inside that I can't find the tears. All feels still and quiet and unmoving, not rocky or hard but gunged up.
02P 15 14.00 NS

Went to my hometown for a meal with my mother. Still feeling strangely wistful and sad.
02P 15 XX.XX NS

I heard myself saying to a friend that the boundaries between myself and those that I love feel very fluffy, not hard and sharp, but a soft and diffused feeling of energy between myself and loved ones. My field interacts and penetrates theirs at the fluffy boundary's edge. This actually feels soft and good most of the time, especially when I am in touch and connected with my feelings and what I want and don't want. Feels soft and loving. But when partner pushes through or daughter demands greedily, then the feeling of being pulled comes in. Pulled between them and then I can't feel "me" any more because the boundary has gone. The other person is right in my face. This makes me either respond to the Mother Programme, do your best be your best, give everything up for your partner, for your children; or I get scared because I can't contact my own self inside, then I just blank out and get dizzy and feel I'm going to faint.
02P 18 XX.XX NS

Very moved and attracted by the sky and the shapes and colours of clouds.
02P 78 XX.XX NS

Very clumsy (even more than usual!) - stood on people, walked into things, etc.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

On way home felt sick and not connected - how did I get on this road? On autopilot.
04P 03 XX.XX NS

Very difficult to speak - words wrong way round. Also typing wrong words (normally a good typist!).
04P 09 XX.XX NS

Difficult to connect words and thoughts and get out what I want to say.
04P 16 XX.XX NS

I am not sure where I want to be at the moment, which is partly why I keep going to and fro between my two homes. I have been like this for years, a feeling of not knowing where I want to settle, it's just more prominent at the moment.
05P 21 XX.XX NS

Today was an awful day. I have had terrible difficulty studying. I'd set the time aside to do it and wanted to do it. I just couldn't. I was studying a remedy. It is like I have totally forgotten how to do it. I felt really lost with it all, I just don't feel like I can do it. Rationally I know that I can, it just isn't coming to me.
05P 47 XX.XX NS

I wanted to cry earlier this evening. I couldn't. I managed one tear. I felt like I should have been sobbing. I think it would have helped to release some of my anger.
05P 48 XX.XX NS

Found it hard to leave hotel, felt guilty, couldn't go. It was like the kind of parental guilt trip, found to hard to cut off and go, very parental thing. Felt clingy and guilty. Feel reminded of being an adolescent, loneliness, guilt trip.
06P 03 09.00 OS

Is forgetting names, peoples, other things, such as objects like a photocopier.
06P 04 XX.XX NS

He feels anxious at the moment, feels worried this week. He feels there is so much going on at the moment. His father has died and there is so much to do; he is going to the house tomorrow. He has given up some of his jobs, and made homoeopathy his central issue in life, he is worried about money. He has felt sceptical about the proving.
06P 04 XX.XX NS

Feelings of lack of confidence and assertiveness. He looks after 20 children. He said "they over ran me", normally he feels quite strong, but this time he didn't want to do anything. He took one child to the toilet, the child took a very long time and he was anxious about the other children. Normally he would "hurry" a child up, but on this occasion he didn't want to. He felt he was not very communicative.
06P 04 XX.XX NS

He felt the day was busy anxious and hurried, this is not unusual, but he feels this is how he felt before he was trained.
06P 04 XX.XX OS

There's a constant battle between the adult voice in charge and the child who has been told to get rid of old things. I'm wondering whether to end my relationship.
06P 18 XX.XX NS

Confusion and doubt about the proving, homœopathy and me. Feel attacked by those trying to help me. Felt vulnerable all weekend, felt interfered with by some well-meaning women on the course, felt they were putting things on me.
06P 37 XX.XX NS

Felt very soft, vulnerable, cried for a while. Felt like this all afternoon. Feeling of "where do I want to live".
06P 41 XX.XX RS

I had a long and difficult phone conversation with my mum, she is the most difficult relationship in my life. I feel angry and stubborn, and I tell her what to do, She's stuck and moving towards self-destruction. She's calling me critical. More guilt. What have I done wrong. Because I'm telling myself this over and over again, it's driving the itchiness out, irritation.
06P 47 XX.XX OS

I've noticed that I don't seem to be absorbing what my husband is telling me. I'm not remembering what he's said about where he's going and what he's doing. I'm losing track mid sentence, not bothering to keep a train of thought going - I drift off - but this only seems to happen with him.
07P 10 XX.XX NS

The afternoon drags. I can't stop thinking about my husband's job hunting and his prospects. I'm dwelling on it all a bit. This morning he said he doesn't really want any of the jobs he is going for. I feel for him, I want him to be happy about what he's doing. Its all so difficult, I'm finding the lack of routine difficult to deal with, this surprises me as I thought I hated routine, but there's something about this that makes me feel insecure and unsettled.
07P 13 XX.XX NS

My brain doesn't seem to want to work, I can't keep track of what I'm saying. I think I feel tired.
07P 14 XX.XX NS

Husband home - he's been for an interview. He wants to talk about what he should do if he gets offered the job. That sets a mild panic up in me - I don't know - it seems to tall an order to ask me. I want to avoid going into all the whys and wherefores - I've been avoiding a lot of deep conversations since the proving, they panic me and I want to opt out. Maybe that's because of the redundancy (i.e. he asked what should I say if they ask about weaknesses and strengths, or what my greatest retail achievement is). I feel too lazy to think hard about these sorts of questions. He is offered the job... I don't know what to feel - after discussion he decides he can't turn it down. I still feel a touch apprehensive because it will be long hours and a long journey, but such relief as well. I realise just how much has been weighing down on us
07P 15 XX.XX NS

Feel so tearful and emotional, comes on about 6 p.m. Made worse by dispute with son over his not understanding his Maths.
07P 48 18.00 NS

I have been incredibly distractible. Examples - Making a pot of tea and forgetting about it entirely, or leaving my cup of tea in another room. (A lot of the absent-mindedness is in relation to tea) Finding myself standing in the middle of a room wondering what I am doing there. Walking or driving down the wrong road because I have not thought to turn off: Stopping in mid-sentence and going blank, or being, distracted by something else - partner has complained of this a lot. Being late, (I am never late usually). I think it is more about being distracted than absent minded although there is an element of both. There is, however, nothing wrong with my memory as such.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Bouts of feeling miserable, vulnerable and close to tears for no reason.
12P 26 XX.XX NS

Had a period of 24 hours during which 1 was incredibly anxious, (anxiety in my body, not a mental thing really).
12P 43 XX.XX NS

Absentmindedly walking down a road and just walking, having no idea where I am going I'm just continuing. Once I've started off in one direction I forget about making any turns or alterations to other direction.
12P 44 XX.XX NS

Forgetting what I am talking about in the middle of a sentence and going blank.
12P 44 XX.XX NS

During proving, didn't speak in depth about feelings to my supervisor. Told husband that supervisor was the only other person available in London, he said why didn't you discuss with me using another supervisor outside London, and I said I felt uncomfortable about it (i.e. bills) he said in evening. It was ok, if you're gonna do it, do it properly.
13P 25 XX.XX NS

I feel like the Aliens have taken over , and no-one knows about it except me and the guys at school, unless of course other people involved in homoeopathy. Of course I don't mention the proving to anyone outside. It's like the ' X Files' in real life (only an analogy not a delusion)!
13P 30 XX.XX NS

I am very forgetful, keep putting things down in the wrong place and can't find them. e.g. dropped garage key on grass after doing re-cycling! Forgot daughter's friend coming home with us on Monday, but bumped into her in school.
13P 30 XX.XX NS

We are really not talking the same language. He finds me aggressive and irritating, much like the old days, when I was pregnant and needy and he would just back off. He said to me this morning that I didn't support him when he was doing his exams, I just told him that he wasn't paying me any attention, 'yes I said, I had 3 children 2 of whom were under 2!
13P 39 XX.XX NS

Bad focus (on the world). Feeling "not quite all there", worse in the evening.
14P 02 XX.XX NS

A feeling of not being in myself. Unfocused. Tearful, slightly trembling as if on low sugar or under shock. Slight nausea, right side headache.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

I felt really lost. I opened my eyes a couple of times and just didn't know where I was. Then it's a bit like closing my eyes and knowing again.
21G 01 17.00 NS

Went through about a week of poor memory, for what I was doing, what I was about to do, what I did yesterday. Thoughts just completely vanished and I couldn't hook them back. I'd be midway to the bedroom and not remember why I was going there. Also poor concentration, especially when listening. 23G 00 XX.XX NS

Torn apart

Issues around being pulled in two. Daughter and partner using me as a buffer zone. Somewhere that they can vent their anger and jealousy. It's not that I want them to be friends but they could stop aiming this stuff through me. This feels like what mothers are supposed to do. Endure and suffer and put down their own needs for the benefit of everyone. I feel alternately angry, powerless and weepy.
02P 17 XX.XX NS

I felt really drained by both my daughter and my partner, as if they were both pulling at me, trying to divide me, cut me.
02P 18 XX.XX NS

Lots of things about being torn apart, between two opposing people/elements have been coming up for me.
02P 39 XX.XX AS

I'm trying to separate from my mother, she still wants me to go home and be with her more. I feel guilty and in the wrong. I keep telling myself I don't need to feel like this. Felt better after talking to my brother.
06P 49 XX.XX OS

Dreaded going to work - the main place I express my anger because they have to do what I say. Eczema makes it harder to be angry, because anger makes the eczema worse, so I'm afraid to be angry because the symptoms get worse.
06P 56 XX.XX NS

In a Foreign Place

Church, lots of attention about husband's redundancy - but I feel alien there as if I don't belong. Also feel very self conscious, usually feel quite confident with people at church. Coffee in the hall. I'm not relating to people very well, not with ease.
07P 10 XX.XX NS

Feel that homoeopathy has alienated many from people because I don't see the world in the same way as they do. They don't understand what I'm saying or what I really mean when I say things.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Energy

When I got back home instead of feeling how I usually do, which is quite blobbish and I want to sink into a chair and not do anything, I actually felt like I wanted to do things. I had energy but it wasn't manic.
02P 01 XX.XX NS

Flashes of elfin humour and wanting to play games with my daughter. Alternately focused and serious, then playful.
02P 03 20.00 OS

Noted that around 13.00 that mood got very buoyant and jovial, realized that this had been the pattern each day since taking the remedy.
02P 05 13.00 NS

Went out dancing to a club. Amazed at how free and uninhibited my dancing was. Felt connected to the music and able to express myself. Haven't felt so much into myself, music, for so long.
02P 26 XX.XX IOS

I feel so good inside. I want to yell and shout thank you! I wish that the whole world were happy and full of peace, blessings and the sheer delight of being alive, in this place which is so beautiful, so full of abundance, humour and dancing! Am finding my singing voice again and wanting to sing!
02P 63 XX.XX NS

Bought a notebook on Monday with a big picture of a Tiger's head and face on it. I keep looking at the tiger. I loved it so much. Its beauty and markings, so rare and fierce. Tigers are my favourite animal anyway, but this one has a fiery quality that has reached inside. I wrote Blake's Tiger! Tiger! On the first page of the notebook, then recalled his feelings of the energy of the living tiger against the weighty, oppressive machinery of the industrial revolution when he wrote this poem. The rhythm of the poem is the rhythm of the mechanical looms. The living tiger is struggling to be free.
02P 70 XX.XX IOS

I have decided to join the gym and am going to an induction at the gym on Wednesday.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

Yesterday I went to the gym and did an hour's work-out on the aerobic machines and weight machines. I felt really glowing and good afterwards. My sex drive has come back to! Today I feel no stiffness or pain at all - just a feeling of being really awake and present in my body. It's a really good feeling. Also I have cut out all junk-food - crisps, chocolate biscuits, etc. and that feels good as well.
02P 76 XX.XX NS

I seem to have come out of the stone coffin, have no more of these crushing feelings, can feel and move. I'm back to being alive in myself again, the break with my partner was healed. I went to the gym and had a fitness and health screening, prior to starting some aerobic and body-toning training. It was really great to realize that I was in such good health - blood pressure low to normal, heart rate low, flexibility and strength excellent (by their measurements) and even my lung capacity measurements were good! This definitely relieved the fears I had had over the past few weeks that were of imminent death and disease! I felt motivated and energized, but not obsessed. I have never been to a gym before, but was really looking forward to being committed to my physical body in a different and more real way.
02P 76 XX.XX NS

Everyone keeps asking me how old I am - they think I look younger than I am.
04P 16 XX.XX NS

The only thing which made me feel better was listening to music and singing - made me feel happier.
05P 05 XX.XX NS

When I was in the house this afternoon I put some music on. I felt like moving about to is, not dancing so much as doing a sort of exercise workout. I felt like I'd got loads of energy, it made me feel really happy to keep moving about and using it (the energy). Did this for about 10 minutes till I felt tired (I'm not very fit).
05P 10 XX.XX NS

Also noticed today that I am particularly struck or drawn to images (pictures, etc.) of big cats, the dream I had the other night where I did not actually see one but knew it was present somewhere had really stuck in my mind.
05P 11 XX.XX NS

Sometimes when I sit down I feel like I want to get up and race about. It's like having loads of energy that I don't know how to use or what to do with.
05P 13 XX.XX NS

I was listening to some music today, I started singing. Then dancing, or as I now prefer to think of it, my aerobic workout. It was great, I really enjoyed it. I felt really good. This all feels so healthy: exercise, eating properly.
05P 40 XX.XX NS

More of the same as yesterday good energy level. Felt like I wanted to put music on and do a work-out (more like dancing).
05P 41 XX.XX NS

I felt like everything was going really fast. I felt a rush in my stomach. Things seemed to be getting faster and faster (internally) and I couldn't stop them. I was also irritable and snapping at people. I went for a walk, sat down in a field by a tree, decided I'd stay here and felt much better (wide open spaces).
05P 50 XX.XX NS

I keep noticing cats, not unusual as I do like them. Every cat I meet I tell them how beautiful they are. I found a print of a lion - it really struck me - it's a magnificent creature, I've coloured it in and put it on the wall - it just seemed the right thing to do.
05P 57 XX.XX NS

On going to bed I had a vision of there was something in the room with me with these bright eyes, a bit like a coyote or something, sort of bright eyes. I didn't feel particularly scared by that, just ignored it and went to sleep.
06P 02 XX.XX NS

Feeling really good about homoeopathy, trying to put lots of energy into making everything right. Lack of confidence about seeing unknown people, fees, the professional side, want to make it all perfect. Wonder if I'm being a perfectionist and feeling lack of confidence. Its driving me, in a manic way, to try and sort it out.
06P 24 XX.XX NS

Notice that I am talking faster than usual and perhaps eating less.
09P 14 XX.XX NS

Slightly wild feeling as if could have become either very excited or hysterical or panicky for a few moments.
11P 04 22.30 NS

During day, a little cheeky, mischievous, childish, but nonetheless controlled.
11P 07 XX.XX NS

Particularly at the beginning of the proving I have felt far more humorous and mischievous than usual and have laughed a lot more than usual.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Completely manic for 36 hours. Felt crazy, ridiculous, full of energy and excitement but it was very exhausting.
12P 14 XX.XX NS

Felt I want it and I want it now, like setting table and dishing up vegetables incredibly quickly. I was complaining and demanding, more impatient than usual.
14P 09 XX.XX NS

During mediation had a mental image of something rushing down the two sides of a valley-like structure, a bit like water or the sides of a palm leaf. Then the image changed and the leaf-like parts became zig-zags. A pair of scissors or knife came and cut down the centre of the valley. The handle of the scissors or knife was associated with a sharp pain in the left eye.
23G 01 17.00 NS

Painted the hall, stairs and landings in lots of different reds, oranges and yellows, a few days after the proving started. After months of dawdling and indecision I leapt out of bed in the morning, decided I wanted to do it that day and those were the colours I wanted, really hot and fiery.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

When I got home, I just blitzed my house, I cleaned it from top to bottom. And this morning I was cooking for lunch-time at 7 o'clock this morning which is really kind of unusual for me.
26G 02 XX.XX NS

I went home and hoovered, which is very unusual for me. I didn't have any children or anything. I had the house to myself and I chose to do housework. It's very strange.
27G 01 XX.XX NS

Curiosity

During the proving their was an inordinate curiosity about what the remedy was. Much greater than is normal.
00G 00 XX.XX NS

Discussion about chakras - greatly interested me. Did my chakras, so simplistic and peaceful. Take me right out of homeopathy . Really enjoyed it, fascinated. Tried it on daughter, sons, husband. I'm so fascinated by the spinning of the pendulum and that the body energies are so accessible, I'd love to know more.
07P 09 XX.XX NS

Keep thinking about the chakras, read up on them, bothered about anti-clockwise spinning and what that represents - it is negative energy - do remedies affect the Chakras.
07P 09 XX.XX NS

Normally my delight is in music, colours, art, poetry and all that is associated with right brain activity or the female side. Now it is quite the opposite. I read avidly, watch science programmes on TV, listen to radio serious talks and enjoy mind teasing games. I feel a need for accumulating as much information as possible on various subjects, some of which I was never really interested in before. It is a great feeling. I feel as if the universe is a very entertaining place for it offers a lot of material to be amazed by. My mind therefore is quite hungry for knowledge. What surprises me is that I am becoming interested in scientific subjects.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

Restlessness

At times I feel a childlike urge to jump and play. I am impatient with adults' words and heady ideas and theories. In fact impatience.
02P 10 XX.XX NS

Sense of annoyance and irritability a sense of too much work and not enough time to do it in. Growling and snapping at family members, but this mood is soon dispersed and I get into laughing at myself and my attitude. Wanting to work and study with a willingness to get on with things.
02P 11 17.00 NS

Feeling of apprehension, sensation of something being stuck in my chest, made me feel restricted. Felt better for being active and doing something, singing and dancing (very unusual thing). Felt with great intensity: Wanted to get rid of all my inhibitions and be free from my usual reserved self. By 10.30 pm I felt non-apprehensive and really tired. I've been sitting for a while now. The apprehensive and tight feeling in my chest has returned. It's nearly midnight and I don't feel like going to sleep. Perhaps the sense of apprehension is really restlessness, I need to do something but I don't know what exactly.
05P 08 XX.XX NS

Chocolate didn't appease feeling of apprehension. I have felt apprehensive before. This was different because I didn't really know why. Usually I feel like crying when apprehensive, tonight I felt like I wanted to laugh but I couldn't. It was like there was something stuck in my chest, it made me feel restricted. I felt like I needed to be active and do something. I didn't really want to go out so I put loud music on and sang and danced, this is not something I usually do but it made me feel better. I was in the mood where I could have gong to club and got drunk (not a usual thing, or something I've even had the inclination to do for years). During this time I had the urge to get rid of all my inhibitions and feel free from my usual reserved self. I regretted the fact that I was alone and had no one to share this with. Was also aware my "housemates" may come back, there was a sense that I might be "caught" dancing, etc., how embarrassing.
05P 08 XX.XX NS

Tried to do some homework today. Found it really difficult to sit still and concentrate. Kept getting up every 10 minutes or so and doing something else.
05P 09 XX.XX NS

When I finished work this evening I noticed the tight feeling in my chest (it is like a little fist). I feel it now since I have stopped being active. I'm finding it really difficult to sit down and do nothing. I don't actually know what I'd like to do with myself. It's like I want to do something but I can't be bothered to do anything. I had to make myself sit down and write this.
05P 10 XX.XX NS

I have noticed that when I am actively doing something, engaged in something, with my mind focused that the apprehension goes away, I don't notice it. When it isn't there I feel happy like I'm in a really good mood.
05P 10 XX.XX NS

I got my notes out today with the intention of doing some work. I kept avoiding doing it, it was like I couldn't be bothered. One of the things I did instead was to get my guitar out (haven't done this for about six months). Then I put that down after about 10 minutes and went into another room to listen to some music. Every time I sit down to do some homework my concentration span in about 10 minutes. I am very easily distracted at the moment. This is part of the restlessness I feel. Instead of getting on with it like I usually do I seem to feel OK about putting it off till another time.
05P 11 XX.XX NS

Later this evening about 10.30pm, when I became ready to settle and realized I had stopped for the day. Apprehensive feeling returned. Tight feeling in chest. Felt need to do something. didn't know what. Images went through my mind of being very active, using lots of energy. Smashing things in the room up (I did not feel aggressive) rushing about. I also thought "I feel like I'm going to explode. I feel so frustrated". The feeling passed by my mind becoming distracted, listening to the news or something. I focused my mind on something else other than me.
05P 12 22.30 NS

This evening while writing my diary I noticed the apprehension had returned, with the tight feeling in my chest. I felt like I wanted to explode. It is like if I did there would be this sudden outpouring of energy, but it can't come out, it feels stuck. Momentarily I felt like crying and I realized I couldn't because it too felt stuck. I have felt similar to this before. Usually however the tears come out. This time it feels like everything's stuck (sensation felt by tight feeling in my chest). It's like I'm unable to express anything.
05P 13 21.30 NS

Today I intended to sit down and do some homework. I found it really difficult to settle. I tried to avoid it for as long as possible by finding lots of other things to do. I think I managed to concentrate on what I'm doing for about 10 minutes before I managed to distract myself and do something else. This is unusual, homoeopathy usually manages to hold my interest for longer than this. I haven't been like this in regard to studying for years, since I was at college.
05P 13 XX.XX OS

I noticed I have been sighing a lot, part of the apprehension I think. And I have been 'comfort' eating, sweet stodgy food. It comes with the tight feeling in my chest, not knowing what else to do, so I'll eat.
05P 14 XX.XX NS

Basically I have been OK today when I've been doing something and when my mind has been focused on something else other than me; otherwise the tight feeling in chest/apprehension was there. It reached fever pitch level a couple of times and I felt like I was about to start climbing the walls. Mostly I don't know what I want to do or where I want to go. I feel incredibly unsettled.
05P 14 XX.XX NS

I noticed when I got up that the restless feeling started to come, like I didn't know what to do with myself and that I'd spend the whole day pacing about getting more and more worked up. I did not notice the tight feeling in my chest. I did feel quite lonely. I decided that I could not spend another day in this state and I made myself sit down quietly with something to occupy my mind. I have been neglecting to write my working journal so I did that. It was a good choice I noticed that this time of being reflective really helped. I felt quiet and calm again. It was such a relief and such a contrast to be able to sit quietly. I even managed to sit quietly and do nothing.
05P 16 XX.XX NS

Anxious, scared and restless, hard to sit still. Felt as if he would explode in a building society waiting in a queue. Felt trapped but decided to stay, the queue seemed to take ages. Looked at watch loads today, feeling anticipatory, conscious of time, fear of being late, anxious of time.
06P 05 11.00 NS

Restless (due to coffee?), energy in fingers, wanted to flick them.
06P 29 XX.XX NS

Woke up feeling grotty. Better up and about. Unusual, when I'm, ill I'm never better for being up and about, something seems to be always driving me on during this proving. I seem to feel I should push myself to the limits.
07P 25 07.30 NS

Weakness

I feel depleted, futile, like giving up the whole struggle. Just doesn't feel worth it any more. Trying to do and be my best and now it seems that nothing has any value. I feel devalued and useless, like I never had any real value at all as a person, but only as a mother. Some role I'm supposed to have accepted without question and come up to the mark on all criteria.
02P 17 XX.XX NS

Conflict between daughter and partner. I feel totally powerless to do anything. The feeling of being pulled in two. A heavy powerless feeling where I cannot feel what I want. Just feel resigned and heavy.
02P 17 XX.XX NS

I still feel unusually weak and have felt like this for two months.
09P 77 XX.XX NS

Came over very tired, yawning and a bit depressed and vulnerable.
12P 07 16.30 NS

Aggression

Anger and bitter jealousy flare up later this evening on reconnecting to an event that happened to do with my partner in the past. Deeply felt in my guts, with a desire to punish and hurt her. We talked it out. Felt heavy and bitter and full of a smouldering rage.
02P 07 22.00 NS

Anger and irritation, not about anything specific. A growing feeling of anger and vexation. Felt like breaking plates, but I went into the kitchen, jumped up and down angrily, then growled and shouted for a few minutes. Then saw the humour of it and started to laugh. Concerned about all this Iraqi stuff and all the sabre rattling and threats. I don't want any fighting. I don't want people to get hurt. I don't want war.
02P 21 XX.XX NS

All my frustration boiled over and I totally lost my temper, got very hot and angry about this stalemate with my partner.
02P 35 XX.XX AS

Quite a lot of anger and impatience yesterday and today. A fiery feeling inside. I used to feel like this when I was a teenager, impatience and intolerance when people try to take me for granted or make criticisms. I jumped right back and defend myself, and I don't care what people think. A good feeling!
02P 47 XX.XX NS

Woke up with grumbling irritation, developing into impatience, then later in to a grumpy mood. Concomitant to this a bad, jammed up feeling in left neck and shoulder and base of skull. Shouting and growling and stamping relieved some of the anger symptoms, and light massage relieved neck. After release I felt a light headed dizziness in my head for a couple of minutes, then anger was gone, along with most of the stiffness. Now, 15.40 pain in back lower left lung, dull and constant. Anger had boiled up into a frenzy, but I was not totally involved in it, it was more like being wound up on a spring, then there was neck pain then release.
02P 50 XX.XX NS

Today feelings were quite stroppy and belligerent. Won't take any put-downs or slights to my sense of justice and honour.
02P 56 XX.XX OS

Wanted to shove some girl's face in the soup at work - normally I would have ignored her.
04P 72 XX.XX NS

I went into a nearby town, it was market day, nowhere to park. I felt really impatient at not being able to find a space. My impatience has been building for couple of days now. I thought this woman was going to move her car, she didn't she just sat in it. I wanted to get out and throttle her, I imagined myself doing it.
05P 15 XX.XX NS

He was burgled before coming away for the course at the weekend; although his room wasn't entered another person lost their computer, on which he had all his homoeopathic work. He felt susceptible, wants to sell some of his equipment, feels they might come back (someone mentioned this to him and this has worried him a lot). He feels vulnerable. At 10:00pm the fear hit him, he felt he would like to kill the people (burglars) if they came near him, felt very violent towards them.
06P 03 22.00 NS

Witnessed burglary, feel a mixture of fear and anger, scared of facing burglars. Wanted to hit them with a baseball bat, imagined hiding, masked, the jumping out and hitting them, smashing them to a pulp. Violent feelings towards burglars and also fear of what they might do to me in retaliation, fear they would petrol bomb the house. Feel insecure, they know where I live (he repeated this several times). I want anonymous retribution on them, feel fear and anger.
06P 05 XX.XX NS

I felt assertive, I wanted to show off my assertiveness- told stories to friends and exaggerated. I had to tell off a member of staff, I was scared, but told everyone how tough and assertive I was.
06P 13 XX.XX NS

Husband comes home, tells me about treatment he received at the Job Centre (he's been made redundant after 22 years). I feel anger stirring in me - at least something stirs in me.
07P 07 XX.XX RS

Husband came home - showed me a photo of him at Christmas party with one of the staff sat on his lap. I'm instantly jealous, and ask why is she sitting on your lap? My husband is amazed at my question and my reaction. I can't hide it, even I'm surprised at my own openness. I might have felt a twinge in the past and I know I'm a jealous person but I wouldn't have come out with it so suddenly and openly. It was an over-reaction.
07P 08 XX.XX NS

Daughter drops a plate, I'm instantly furious, and shout a lot. What a fuss I make over one plate, I feel anger, even after it should all be over - holding on to it, I'm on such a short fuse and I'm aware that I'm a miserable bitch - I'm lacking enjoyment at the moment. Everything is such a chore I feel like I need a change from it all. Can't even muster up any tears.
07P 13 XX.XX NS

Wanted to shout twice during silence, to shock ? to disrupt? Just felt like it?
09P 01 17.00 NS

Afternoon /evening feeling very irritable with the kids, just like before I need a constitutional!
13P 05 XX.XX OS

I said I was having a bad time, and because he perceived me as being aggressive, criticizing, he backed off, couldn't handle it, keeps his distance instead of being supportive. He said it was a load of mumbo jumbo, I said you can call it what you like, but couldn't you deal with the result of the thing which is that I was feeling bad. No, he finds me very irritating. Always leaving a mess in the kitchen, I said a few bits of paper on the top is not terrible. He can't bear a mess, letters left. I said you should go into other people's homes, their tops are covered. I think this is pretty reasonable, I don't think it's so bad. But he thinks its unacceptable therefore that's what goes. I think it's awful to leave stuff in the washing up bowl sitting in cold water overnight, instead of leaving it to soak with warm water and squeegee, but that doesn't count.
13P 39 XX.XX OS

Partner says I'm aggressive and offhand. He's just sabotaged my plans for making sure there's enough milk for breakfast.
14P 07 XX.XX NS

Very angry. Fury and indignation at yesterday's meeting with tutor. Wanting to tell everybody how I felt. Trembling in anger (inside).
23G 02 XX.XX NS

Felt very odd all day. Saw a friend and, again was very indignant and furious in relating Saturday's events to her. Trembling with fury (inside).
23G 04 XX.XX NS

Exercise

It was hard to run this morning - I felt so solid and earthbound. Normally I have a long, loping stride, but I felt I had stubby little legs and I had to chug along.
01P 02 09.00 NS

I have a very strong aversion to any sort of exercise and this has been going on for a few weeks. About a week ago I fucked up my back after going down the gym and forcing myself to exercise when 1 really didn't want to. I stopped and have not done a thing since.
12P 38 XX.XX NS

Didn't manage to get out for a walk, felt a bit low because of it.
13P 10 XX.XX NS

Have been wanting to do some Qi Gong for several weeks now. The heaviness in my chest and the breathlessness feel as if they would be relieved if I was to release Qi blockages. However, I seem to be unable to do it, I always put it off and then forget about it.
22G 41 XX.XX NS

No desire to do any exercise, yet one time when I really forced myself to do some, my energy was unbelievable, it was a very hard work out that would usually have pledged may even when exercising regularly.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Practicality

There was a lot of delight in the evening, and focus in doing practical things, putting on duvet covers, preparing a bean stew.
02P 01 20.40 NS

Still feeling very practically focused. Was happy to chop kindling for the fire, a job I never do.
02P 03 XX.XX NS

Doing lots of practical things today. Tidying up the shed, taking rubbish to the dump and tidying out the garage. These are things I would generally avoid like the plague, but over the past few days have found these practical tasks very enjoyable, giving me motivation and an inner sense of empowerment.
02P 05 XX.XX NS

Had a guest for supper and got on and made supper quickly and efficiently and almost effortlessly. Physical tasks are a breeze, and I am really getting into doing them well.
02P 12 XX.XX AS

Flatness

Back to stable and centred place, except yesterday when I felt flat and bored for about three hours. A walk - a long one - relieved this.
02P 53 XX.XX NS

I'm back in the Doldrums again, feeling like the Ancient Mariner on a ship becalmed by bad choices. Shooting the albatross. 'Water, water everywhere and all the boards did shrink. Water, water everywhere nor drop drink.' Everything is flat and dry and no feeling of any sort whatsoever. I couldn't care less about anything or be bothered to do anything either.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

I feel like I've lost my energy, like I've got no buzz. This is all part of my feeling flat. I have felt quite spaced out today at times. Like I'm not really totally involved in what's going. I feel better when I am engaged in conversation with people.
05P 34 XX.XX NS

As before I am sleeping long but feeling constantly tired and sluggish. I feel flat and uninspired unenthusiastic, lazy, and like I can't even really begin to describe how I feel due to feeling so "can't be bothered".
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Depressed and low, empty feeling at some point during the day, for no reason.
12P 05 XX.XX NS

Don't care and can't be bothered

I'm not sure if I'm not remembering dreams or if I just can't be bothered.
01P 35 XX.XX NS

I wonder if that is a key to the proving? I am "bothered" less. I've become (or have been) more materially minded, solidly inhabiting the material universe of my senses, not the spiritual universe of my perception. I said to my supervisor last night that I was in danger of becoming a "self-satisfied little prig". I have less fear and anxiety, but also less of a charge! I have less awe as well. Practical pig, inhabiting only the tidy confines of his tidy sty.
01P 48 XX.XX NS

No desire to do anything at all - no need for practical things. Just want to sit and laze.
02P 23 XX.XX NS

Endurance and can't be bothered has replaced the motivation I was feeling before. This has become obvious through all levels. My mind can't be bothered to think, discuss or remember. It just wants feeding - so I sit in front of the telly, being fed with crap - or listen to others go on their own trip and can't be bothered to respond or enter any kind of dialogue.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

Today I woke dull and separate enclosed in my own world of isolation. My partner started questioning me, I got irritated. A row started - the usual stupid accusations. I felt neither real anger more real upset. Just frustrated and annoyed. I went into the kitchen and slammed my cup of tea into the kitchen sink I broke the cup and a plate. I didn't care at all! My partner has left now and I feel relief, she blamed the proving and said that I was not taking responsibility for my feelings. I don't really care.
02P 71 XX.XX NS

The face of the tiger is still in front of me - a reminder of the brilliance, beauty, passion and ferocity of life in its burning. But I cannot feel these qualities. I have looked at Medusa and I have turned to stone! I can still work and study, I have no real motivation, but order, structure and duty keep me able to perform those tasks I need to in order that the cogs in the wheels within wheels still turn. My singing and creating, my heart beating and loving, my breath - all these seem stifled, compacted, dull and dead. There is no happiness, no sadness, no fear, no excitement - only a blind and stony deadness. Even that Feels OK!
02P 72 XX.XX NS

Kept losing things that were in my hand - didn't really bother me.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

I felt like I couldn't be bothered to move and get up to go home. I would have felt perfectly OK to have sat there for longer.
05P 01 17.00 NS

My mother and I had a minor argument. I couldn't be bothered to argue with her. During her outburst of irritability I just felt like what she was saying went over the top of my head. It wasn't like indifference, I just couldn't be bothered/or see the point of arguing back. Usually I would.
05P 04 XX.XX NS

Noticed I did not have a great sense of urgency to complete the tasks I had to do. Usually I work to finish things as soon as I can.
05P 05 XX.XX NS

My attitude towards finding another job seems to be "don't worry, everything will be OK". I did look in the paper to see which agencies are offering work. I wrote down a number but I have no great sense of urgency to phone them.
05P 07 XX.XX NS

I do not feel as close as I usually do to my mother I've realized I have not written once about her operation. My thoughts about it have been odd really. I was worried and concerned but I'm not sure exactly what emotions I felt. This has been kind of a general thing really that rationally my mind tells me one thing or I hear myself saying something to someone but emotionally there's little feeling. Rationally I now that I do care but I don't feel anything or the appropriate emotion. This has been a strange and new feeling for me, something I'm finding difficult to write down and explain clearly.
05P 16 XX.XX NS

Whilst driving home I was despondent. Half way home I just thought "fuck it". I put some music on in the car, it helped to left my spirits. Felt really spaced out when I got home and for most of the next day.
05P 39 XX.XX NS

My general attitude today has been one where I can shrug my shoulders and say, "it's OK, it doesn't matter." It's almost like I don't care. I decided not to worry about not having a job. I thought at the moment I'm fine, this is fine. I wondered how impractical I'm being not worrying about money and then I thought, but it'll be fine.
05P 40 XX.XX NS

At the moment I feel good. Calm, happy. Everything seems fine. I feel like I should be worrying with all the shit that's going on, I usually do - but at the moment I'm not, it just doesn't seem to matter that much.
05P 48 XX.XX NS

Felt really despondent this morning. Didn't bother to get out of bed, though I was awake, until 11 am. There just didn't seem any point.
05P 53 XX.XX NS

Felt depressed about his current relationship. Wants to just watch TV and read.
06P 09 XX.XX NS

I must get some commitment to this proving. I'm disappointed with it, can't be bothered, think, "Oh fuck this".
06P 10 XX.XX NS

Dream middle of night. Woke feeling dry, hot and tired. Didn't want to wake up and write the dream down. Its a struggle to do it. Can't be bothered, feel if I lose it, it wasn't important.
06P 20 XX.XX NS

I listen to another debate. I have definite opinions about things but I notice again my lack of passion. I just let it all go over my head.
07P 03 13.30 NS

Journey home, notice again I'm not stirred up by discussions about things. I have definite opinions but do not feel the normal responses such as anger. Arrive home, feel slightly indifferent to family - more responsive to the cats. I hear my son's bike has been stolen. I make noises of disappointment and annoyance but I don't seem to have the feelings.
07P 03 19.00 NS

A sort of 'can't be bothered' feeling, have to push myself. Don't feel very communicative.
07P 07 09.00 NS

Arrive home from work, can't be bothered to do anything. Feel immobile, inert. Even emotionally I feel numb and unresponsive - sit and listen to music - don't want to do any housework, or talk, or cook. The thought of doing homework makes me groan.
07P 07 18.30 NS

Eldest son calls me, there's blood in the toilet pan and he's worried about it. There's a momentary response of concern, then I go numb again as I rapidly try to think of all the things it could be. I think to myself, normally you would have felt panic, there would have been some movement within, not much stirred in me, yet my mind acknowledges concern. "We'll keep an eye on it and I'll book you in to see the homœopath". All I want to do really is curl up somewhere warm and sleep.
07P 07 XX.XX NS

Want to sleep, but at the same time don't want to be bothered to make the effort.. Body feels weary and slow, back feels unable to support me.
07P 08 22.30 NS

I'm feeling miserable, introverted. I can't be bothered to talk to anyone. I realize I haven't been ringing my friend and I have no urge to. I'm, waiting for my supervisor to ring - I want to talk to her because she'll understand where I'm at.
07P 09 10.00 OS

My handwriting has got worse. I just can't be bothered with it, and I can hardly be bothered to keep the diary properly. Can't be bothered to go into detail.
07P 09 XX.XX NS

Irritated when husband asks a question. can't be bothered to think about it.
07P 09 XX.XX NS

Woke early again around 6.00 a.m. Remembered a dream but couldn't be bothered to write it down or commit it to memory.
07P 11 XX.XX NS

Feeling a bit better than yesterday, but still have 'can't be bothered' attitude to kids' bad behaviour. 07P 12 XX.XX NS

Arrive at work. I hate my attitude at the moment - everything seems a chore. Have to make a real effort to be civil.
07P 13 XX.XX NS

General feeling of 'can't be bothered' at work - look for any reason to have a chat or diversify from the job in hand - minimum effort. Not so at home, keen to get on with things at home, want to clean, but want to do homework. Feel industrious at home but not at work. The opposite was true in the beginning.
07P 18 XX.XX NS

My handwriting is awful - its as if my hand just wants to do the minimum.
07P 22 XX.XX NS

Stand and iron watching English Patient till 10'ish. It makes me cry. I needed that. Not a sobbing crying - just tears rolling down my cheeks. Could do with more effort going into it but I don't seem to have it in me.
07P 24 20.00 NS

At a party I didn't seem able to engage in conversation. I've always wanted to meet this person and yet I struggled to keep conversation going, I could have listened to her for hours, but I couldn't seem to make it a two-way thing. (Couldn't even write this down until much later.)
07P 30 XX.XX NS

There is dancing, I can't be bothered. Just want to watch everyone.
07P 30 XX.XX NS

Talked on phone to boyfriend. Got fed up with his indecision. Can't be bothered with it. Decided to split up! "Can't be bothered with" is typical at the moment, can't be bothered with people on the phone, with this proving or with actual teaching (spent 3/4 of Wednesday and all of Thursday organizing computers instead!)
09P 09 XX.XX NS

Still calm, energetic but less industrious. A little indecisive, couldn't rouse much enthusiasm for work. 11P 06 XX.XX NS

Had real difficulty waking up. Did not want to go to work. Felt slightly nauseous, but mostly not caring about whether I ever got to work or not. Had 3 punctures on my bike on the way in and my chain got caught and stuck. Bad day at work with most computer systems down and having to re-write programmes and schedules as emergency measure to try and get things done. In evening wasn't bothered about whether I got back or not.
11P 15 XX.XX NS

Monday morning feeling of not being bothered - to get up for work, to go to bed, to work etc. Resentment at having to work.
11P 32 XX.XX NS

Generally over whole of last two or three weeks, intensification of existing uncaring about what's going on in the world. Know about it more-or-less, but unmoved by it. As time is progressing, less seems to move me or bother me, generally.
11P 36 XX.XX NS

Generally numb emotionally, and unusually uncaring about how I came across to other people, found myself treating people I knew well quite outrageously, although part in jest. 11P 39 XX.XX NS

Extreme tiredness and sense of disconnection. Irritable at work. Sarcastic and rude to colleagues at work. Don't care if I get the sack.
11P 40 XX.XX NS

There has also been a strong 'can't be bothered' and lazy element which I have noticed in relation to recording dreams and being less conscientious than I would normally about homework. And I suppose a certain amount of complacency. I have been incredibly lazy as regards housework, apart from the day or two after I took the remedy when I was a regular little homemaker.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Throughout the day I felt as if I couldn't be bothered. Couldn't be bothered to study, to speak to people. Would like to have spent the day in bed or in the sunshine. Once I overcome these feelings I can get involved. It is the initial effort that is difficult.
12P 03 XX.XX NS

Difficulty going to sleep as I was cold but couldn't be bothered and couldn't be bothered to get out of bed and get more covers.
12P 04 XX.XX NS

Missed the train home from Scotland. (I have never missed a train before in my life.)
12P 14 XX.XX NS

Don't feel like washing or bathing. It all feels too much effort and I can't be bothered. Wearing the same dirty clothes for ages.
12P 38 XX.XX NS

My birthday? but I couldn't be bothered to do anything special. Although I don't see birthdays as any big deal it is unusual for me to be so little interested.
12P 55 XX.XX NS

Friend remarked that I wasn't wearing any mascara - couldn't be bothered.
13P 02 XX.XX NS

In evening at Homoeopathy study group they remarked about my hair, dull jumper and no makeup, especially when they heard about proving!
13P 08 XX.XX NS

Normally, be very concerned about Saddam situation and how it might affect Israel/Middle East and of course the horrors of war, but very relaxed about it, almost not bothered. I was sure he'd back down.
13P 25 XX.XX NS

Had been given the wrong time when I booked my tickets so I knew that I was going to be late for a meeting but this did not bother me at all. Normally I would have fretted and been upset worrying about being late and going through in my mind the scene as I turned up late. Just walked into the meeting and said I was sorry, no explanations, no embarrassment.
22G 35 XX.XX NS

Woke up several times during the night with a need to urinate. Had the very strange impulse to just lie there and let go (resisted it! just!).
22G 45 XX.XX NS

There is a strong feeling of I don't care about me. During an argument with my wife last week she said, "You just don't care." and I didn't, to a much greater degree than is my normal state.
22G 75 XX.XX IOS

Sexuality

I didn't realize it until later, that my genitals felt shrunken - drawn into my body.
01P 01 17.00 NS

No interest at all in sex. No revulsion but no interest whatsoever.
02P 04 XX.XX NS

Sex seems strange, not wanting it. Feeling like a child who doesn't know what it's all about, what to do, what will happen. Apprehensive, shy and innocent in this area.
02P 25 XX.XX NS

Strange symptoms around sex and libido either a lustful wanting or a fearful avoidance. In the latter state I feel like a child, sex is something unnerving, something I can't quite understand. I'm too young, and it makes me quite nervous. This has been followed later in the day by a strong desire.
02P 47 XX.XX NS

Issues around sexuality have been very prominent over the past few days. Once more I have felt nervous and edgy when my partner has approached with desire. Feelings of worry, apprehension - I am not old enough for this. I don't understand it. It feels wrong. I feel childlike, only about seven years old. After coition, I have felt very vulnerable and today burst into tears after sex.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

All this sex and Catholic stuff came out again. It seems to be all around for me, a feeling that I have been so hurt and damaged sexually that I can never get well. Also stuff about sexual abuse from priests, and from a doctor too - when I was about 12/13 years old. I feel trapped in my body and its sinful desires. On the one hand, at times I feel full of rampant desire, joying in it, at others, I feel totally cold and turned off and just want to rise above it all, not have any physical contact at all, it feels too unsafe. I realize that in the past I have shut off to sex a lot, even in the act of intercourse.
02P 62 XX.XX OS

Lots of things have been coming up for me around sex and sexuality. Over the past two weeks lots of stuff around the Church and its suppression and punishing of sexual awareness. I've been thinking a lot of that, guilt about my feelings, about my body, about sexual enjoyment. Also shame and anger - bursts of anger at the repression of my needs and feelings as a child and young person. Lots of memories are coming up clearer now. How I was nearly expelled from school for writing to my boyfriend when I was 14 years old. How the letter was intercepted and read. I was accused of immorality, threatened with hell fire! I am feeling very sad and desperate about these past wrongs. I remember how alive and feeling and passionate a person I was. But the nuns, priests and the Church brain washed me from the age of seven. I remember too the sad and desperate feelings at 12, then onwards. I would never be good enough for God. I was a dreadful sinner to have such feelings. Yesterday when I felt strong desire for my partner, it was coupled with shame, guilt and the awful fear that I would be damned forever. I have not felt such feelings so strongly since I was 20. I told my partner I could no longer have sex with her.
02P 62 XX.XX OS

Sex still an issue, though in a rampant phase over past two days. The norm is to feel little desire - this is not how things usually are.
02P 66 XX.XX NS

Girlfriend thought I was a bit peculiar. Turning away in bed. Withdrawn.
06P 11 XX.XX NS

There has felt as if there is no tension within me at all even to the extent that there seems no point in sex.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Off sex. I cannot imagine what the purpose of this act is. I think I have had sex only once since the proving and that was boring.
12P 44 XX.XX NS

I was wondering if that's why I don't want intimacy because I want to keep others as far out of the Id as possible, because it's dangerous and animalistic and can possess people making them unpredictability violent and destructive. The unpredictability is very scary.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

No libido at all. No interest. When we have had sex I haven't really wanted it that much and my vagina has remained dry until half way through sex. Have felt very sorry for my partner having to put up when me not wanting sex and being so lethargic and being such a horrible person.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Isolation

Feeling very jovial and good humoured last night. I went to a bar with my partner to meet a good friend whom I had not seen for some months. After chatting for some time, the friend saw a close friend of hers and ended up chatting to her for of an hour. I felt completely ignored slighted and angry. I said goodbye very curtly and left the pub with my partner. The whole situation stayed with me all evening, and I was aware of a steady, smouldering anger in my guts, feelings of being ignored.
02P 42 XX.XX IOS

I feel very locked inside myself - as if in a prison. It is dark and hard, and very silent. I feel isolated, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm not afraid or upset, that's just how it is.
02P 70 XX.XX NS

I am alone and that is a bonus. I have my own space, my own time. I am totally inside myself - no interest in anyone else or anything else. I feel that I have become a hermit in a cave of stone. I do not want to speak or reach out to anyone or anything. Feelings are exhausted, or maybe even dead. They are not there inside me. I can't remember ever feeling (or not feeling?) like this before. I expect I did feel like this some time in my life, a total lack of response to anything like being already dead. It's not numbness or even indifference, just a complete lack of reaction, as if I were a machine or a stone - a massive block of stone.
02P 72 XX.XX NS

Today I feel lonely and sad like my life has no meaning at all, has no love in it, that I am really unable to love or to feel anything at all except this heavy and crushing isolation that is pushing down on me - as if I were buried alive under ground.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

I wish that I could say that I still love her, but I can't, as I didn't feel able to love, and I can't feel love or peace moving inside me at all - there is just a bitter, dry isolation and lack of trust - no movement and no softness just the sensation of being apart from everyone, and totally and utterly alone.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

Want to be a hermit, completely alone. Want to get out of myself.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

Noticed my mood began to change from about 12 onwards. Generally felt subdued, more reserved. Did not really feel like joining in socially with others. I think I just wanted to remain detached and quiet and just left to be. I haven't felt like this for weeks (months), quite a long time. Felt better later in the evening after I'd had some wine.
05P 02 12.00 NS

Went to see the film Titanic today. I enjoyed it but noticed towards the end of the film I lost the involvement I had felt earlier (usually I get really involved with what's happening). At the end it was sad and I wanted to cry, I couldn't. I decided it was an effect of the proving and I felt totally robbed that I could not shed tears when I felt deeply moved. After the film I felt spaced out. It was like I had experienced many emotions throughout the film but that somehow I was detached from them. I can't explain this more clearly, I don't usually feel like this.
05P 12 XX.XX NS

One evening before I went to bed I was sitting alone and quiet. I felt like I could see into the centre of myself. It was like looking onto a circular shape which then went down a long way, the colour is grey and black. It was like this contained all my despair, difficulties and deep depression (which I have experienced in the past). It is all my black stuff, I remember I didn't want to dwell on it for too long or look too far down because it scared me a bit and I didn't want to know what else I might see there. Many years go I remember associating depression with being at the bottom of a black hole. This was slightly different because the overwhelming feeling associated with this was a feeling of nothingness and being incredibly empty. It was like there was nothing there inside me. I think I felt scared to look further because of the absence of emotion - numbness of feeling (very unusual for me) associated with this. The same night I had a dream about a T S Eliot poem which includes The Hollow Men. I was asking a friend to explain what the poem meant. I had studied this at school for A-level but never really understood it. Connected the poem with how I felt the previous evening, felt hollow like there was nothing there.
05P 60 XX.XX NS

Had a difficult weekend at college. Didn't feel like I was myself, couldn't relate well to others. Socially everything a huge effort. Felt detached.
05P 67 XX.XX NS

He felt that he had "stuck his neck out" in wanting the group to go to a specific pub in the evening. When they wanted to go to another he said he felt "hot and bothered", but didn't want to be alone, so went with them. He felt too embarrassed to talk about it on the tape the next day. He says that this event reminded him of early stage of life, being an adolescent, when he would stick his neck out, then feel "upset that people didn't choose me".
06P 02 XX.XX OS

He rang his girlfriend, he found she was very tired and dreamy, and wouldn't communicate. He felt really odd, and says there is a lot of "can't speak" in this remedy, he is being quiet. But also feels frustrated that he can't communicate with others, feels in a very isolated state.
06P 04 XX.XX NS

Energy better after a truthful sharing with partner, it's a struggle to tell the truth. I feel trapped if I can't talk to her.
06P 10 XX.XX NS

Feel failed by a colleague, she's angry with me and wants to punch me over the course group issue. This stayed on my mind for the rest of the day and a few days later.
06P 38 XX.XX NS

Phoned nine homoeopaths, none are available, I feel let down, disappointed.
06P 56 XX.XX NS

I'm pissed off with the proving and the lack of support, no homoeopaths available to see me.
06P 57 XX.XX NS

Sit on my own to eat, feeling sad, want to cry but can't seem to muster it up. The emotion seems to stick in my throat.
07P 08 XX.XX NS

Feeling sad, morose, lack motivation, feel flat, feel lonely. Toss diary to one side. I'm not going to bother with it.
07P 09 12.00 NS

I'm not relating to people very well. Prefer to avoid contact on a casual basis. I'm okay speaking to them if it is my immediate contacts, but I'm avoiding eye contact with anyone else, don't want to be bothered making conversation.
07P 11 XX.XX NS

Playground duty - my aura is definitely different today, I'm hardly approached at all by the kids and if I am it's not for long. This is such a contract to last week. I usually have a few little fans, not as many as last week but definitely more than today!
07P 12 XX.XX NS

In Church that aura that I've been experiencing is still present. Nobody seems to want to talk to me. No conversation is taking place with people . Our usual vicar is not present, my anxiety about the reading is instantly reduced by this discovery by 50%. The reading goes well, I'm much calmer and in control that I've been for years.
07P 17 XX.XX NS

Notice diary has depleted to short sharp sentences, there is no flow in my communication.
07P 30 XX.XX NS

At a party delusion that I am friendless. Can't make the effort.
07P 30 XX.XX NS

My mother phoned up. I felt annoyed as I wanted to get on with my work. (Generally did not want to talk to people).
09P 05 09.00 NS

Felt a little uncommunicative during day. It was an effort to communicate with anybody. Really wanted to be left alone.
11P 24 XX.XX NS

Thoughts of my father having to stand in front of his class and teacher telling class not to have anything to do with him. Brought to mind my strongest memory of primary school where a teacher embarrassed me by pulling my ear in front of the class ( I don't remember what my misdemeanour had been... I imagine I was laughing and joking with a friend when I was supposed to be listening to teacher) I stuck my tongue out at the teacher and was sent home for my troubles. I was about 8 at the time. I realized that some of the themes of my dreams since taking the remedy, and which have been feature of my life, have been questions of trust and betrayal, belonging and being a stranger in the camp.
11P 40 XX.XX NS

Prompted by a social evening out after the proving discussion I realise just how intolerant and critical I have become of friends; how much I do not like being in a big group - it feels all too superficial with no-one really communicating properly and how I feet unable to communicate with other people in such situations.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Company makes me irritable. (I want to be on my own, focused on what I am doing.)
12P 05 XX.XX NS

Husband says I'm miserable and whingey. He doesn't want to go into any depth. I'm feeling lonely and irritable, this is always his cue to keep a distance. I moan that he's been upstairs all day, that he has absented himself from us. He says no, only since afternoon, which is true.
13P 15 XX.XX OS

He said, 'why are you relying on other people again, you expect others etc. why don't you do it for yourself?, and I replied that I am weak and dependent. I was in a pretty bad mood after that.
13P 15 XX.XX OS

I've never seen him so aggressive and easily irritated by me. In the morning he'll be more accepting that he contributed to this scene, rather than just me.
13P 39 XX.XX NS

I told him I felt alone and distant from him and he finds me very irritating and wants to keep his distance.
13P 39 XX.XX NS

I was really looking forward to getting my constitutional, I felt I really needed a hand. Things were getting out of control. The person I love, my closest friend was becoming like a stranger. I wanted to keep my distance from him and he from me. I felt alienated. I knew I was irritating him beyond the pale and couldn't do anything about it. But the fact was I was also wanting to keep my distance from him. Although it wasn't bad all the time, I was very concerned that things could get out of hand at any time. We were on the brink. I felt like I was staring down into the abyss.
13P 40 XX.XX NS

Down to Yondercott being with the group and everyone telling their experiences brought me out of the proving rather than taking me into it again. I felt much more my own stuff and problems. Felt singled out, by Misha, and would not be involved in photographs. Felt that I was already no longer part of the group.
22G 36 XX.XX OS

I feel that I have let myself get into a position of too much interaction and it has become dangerous and I must get out. On Friday I was talking to someone and said almost exactly that and then physically did run away, almost rudely.
22G 38 XX.XX IOS

Threatened

I've got a cold coming on. Yesterday I had a dry cough from the morning on - then I went to the seaside where it was quite cold - cold wind - went for a good walk in it. I had an inkling that a cold might be coming on and decided to stave it off mentally - but I fell asleep and had a fitful dream of invading "star troopers" and garrotting one or two (but being overwhelmed).
01P 11 XX.XX NS

Now that the effects of the cold are lessening I see where I am experiencing fears. Nameless, unexpressed and an underlying negativity.
01P 18 XX.XX NS

A sense of anticipation and apprehension that my partner may either phone or turn up on the doorstep, which will mean that I'll have to respond clearly when I don't feel at all clear inside. A bit like the feeling before entering the exam room.
02P 14 XX.XX NS

Couldn't get to sleep last night worrying about Saddam Hussein and threatened bombing of chemical and biological warfare plants. Wondered if I have any of the remedies that would help people if these germs and nerve gases got out. Imagined the scenario.
02P 15 XX.XX IOS

Worry and concern about family, friends and the wider world. This is keeping me awake at night. Worry and concern but not wanting to fix it.
02P 25 XX.XX NS

When I closed my eyes I had an image of blood red. Then I had an image of black werewolf-like dogs/beasts with white pointed teeth.
05P 01 24.00 NS

I have a sense of underlying anxiety or perhaps apprehension. I'm not sure why. During the course of the evening the feeling of apprehension got worse.
05P 08 XX.XX NS

I was actually thinking about the repertory and started to get quite concerned about how people know that certain remedies give you tumours. And I'm wondering if that comes up in provings. I starting to get really apprehensive about it all. Deep pathology coming out.
06P 01 17.00 NS

During the day he witnessed a burglary, he is still in a bit of a trauma state from the burglary last week at his home. He says seeing this not good for his sense of security.
06P 05 XX.XX NS

Have therapy, a sense of fear and terror. Fear of performing that night, feeling of needing protection. 06P 12 XX.XX NS

Anxious, because I didn't want to tell about dream but felt I needed to.
11P 03 XX.XX NS

During night feelings of fear connected with violence, images of SAS shouting abuse at top of voice, following party on Sat night when people dressed up in leather as joke with handcuffs etc. and talk of sado masochism "M&S by day, S&M at night".
11P 58 XX.XX NS

Woke at 6.35am convinced I'd been woken by my daughter shouting "Mum, come quickly!". Rush of adrenalin.
14P 05 XX.XX NS

Have become paranoid that one of my students is going to stalk and murder me. There has always been something a bit creepy about him, but I have managed to push the feeling to one side. He has become obsessed with serial killers and devours books on them. He talks about walking down street, realizing that no-one is aware of his existence and how he has the desire to smash someone across the head with a hammer or drop a heavy shopping basket on a babies head, then they'd notice him. This really freaks me out because I know he has been attracted to me since the beginning of the course. He was staring me all the time in a really unnerving way and not taking notes as he usually does. Now I'm paranoid that he's going to turn into a serial killer like the characters he is so fascinated by, and I'm going to be his first victim. My big fear and delusion is that I'm attracting this in some way because it's part of my energy field and unless I do something about this, my energy is going to attract this more and it is going to happen, but I didn't know what to do so it's a bit scary.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

I was reading a Sunday supplement which contained an article about a woman who married a man who had been imprisoned for murdering his family. He was the perfect husband for about 15 years. Until she became depressed and he murdered her then killed himself. I became paranoid and scared that my partner had a lot of suppressed violence and that he would murder me at some point.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Ugly

I looked down at my body and it looked old - the flesh sagging over the bones - I didn't realize this was a clear delusion until I arrived at school and thought about it.
01P 36 XX.XX NS

For the first time in my life the skin on my hands feels dry and old. I am old.
22G 86 XX.XX NS

Felt that I was a horrible person and that I failed to live up to people's expectations in work, friendship, relationships. Felt everyone hated me and got paranoid that they were making references about me, ambiguous comments which I interpreted as criticisms.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Felt really fat and repulsive, didn't want partner to look at me or touch me.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Destruction & Oblivion

When I found out my parents would be here for the evening I went back to Oxford. I desperately needed some space and to get away. On the way to Oxford I felt like getting drunk and when I got there I did. Went out with friends for part of evening, my mood really changed, felt really up. I needed to get drunk. I drank my usual 2 pints of alcohol for whole evening in the space of one hour. My friends went on elsewhere, I went home, didn't want to, or want to be on my own. Phoned another friend. Strangely I kept on drinking, I just wanted more and more just to get as pissed as I could. It was like I didn't care what happened. Usually I worry about throwing up. I almost carried on drinking to see what oblivion was like, I stopped before I reached this point.
05P 15 XX.XX NS

I have been experiencing an intensification of my usual background "eco-doom" feelings: that we are making an irrevocable mess of our local environment as well as the biosphere.
15P 00 XX.XX IOS

I had an incredibly strong and powerful vision, much stronger and clearer than any meditative experience that I have had in the past. It was a dark night time scene on a street in East London, I don't know why I am sure of the area but not the place but I am. It was raining and wet and very dark. The wet darkness had a plastic quality and was certainly much more than just the absence of light. I was in a car but I was also an observer. It was as if there was a time delay and I was watching that which was about to happen to me, I was both observer and participant. The car I was driving crashed into the cars in front and crashed (rather than exploded) into total oblivion. This vision was very real and I found it to be truly terrifying. It has haunted me since.
22G 01 17.00 NS

I went to a preview of a documentary where they were showing slides and one of them was very close to the vision of the car crash that I had had during the first meditation. A sense of Deja Vu and a reminder of the terror of that vision.
22G 06 XX.XX NS

Dirt

Had a cup of weak caffeinated coffee, I felt infected by the woman who offered it. I didn't really want it but had a fantasy she couldn't have coffee alone, and I didn't want to reject. Because of the proving I thought "shit" then "sod it".
06P 29 XX.XX NS

I noticed that I am aware of and deeply disgusted by the grossness of physical things especially bodies, my own and those of others, and yet I can be transported by physical beauty.
22G 06 XX.XX NS

Had the urge to go to the seaside, to Lyme Regis and the fossils there in particular. I often have an urge to go to a particular landscape: mountain, forest and especially city, but not often for the sea. The ancient, ancestral aspect of the remedy would tie in with the fossils. I therefore thought that this was going to be an "ameliorated by the seashore" experience and at first the fresh air was really good and the smell of the sea, and the unrelenting power of the waves. However, it quickly became clear that this was "sadness by the sea". Everything that the sea touched was coarse and massive. The boulders and the great slabs of wood were rounded and weathered and everywhere there was rust and tar. Nothing could keep a fine edge the stones are all rounded and coarse and even the town and its people seemed old and weathered, out of another age but coarse, crude and somewhat unpleasant. Fineness and beauty were totally banished. This is not at all how I usually feel about the sea. The Sea and the Earth seemed to be in a dance that was threatening and destructive. Driving home through the beautiful Dorset countryside the land seemed to have the features of fineness and beauty that the sea had negated. There were fine gradations in the shades of green between fields, all carefully defined by the hedges and lanes and the trees threw up wonderful fine traceries of branches that were perfectly detailed in themselves and combined to form the clear pattern of the whole tree.
22G 42 XX.XX IOS

A definite feeling of wanting purity and not believing that it is really possible.
22G 63 XX.XX IOS

Death

I couldn't sleep. I was worrying about my health, about my heart and kidneys. I did some pathology and disease yesterday. But somewhere I'm worried that I may be seriously ill. Last night while lying in bed, I saw myself dead and decaying. I thought of my cat's body, buried in the garden, now all wormy and decayed. Felt the inevitability of death, felt the breath of death on my neck. It was a reality, the struggle to stay alive in extremis.
02P 71 XX.XX NS

Last night I just wished that I could die and had the belief that I really would, that I was seriously ill with a brain tumour or kidney or heart disease.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

Colleague's father died suddenly brings up feelings of my own father. How will he die, what will happen, how will I react.
07P 22 XX.XX NS

Then about 4 a.m. images on wakening of skulls laid out on a table as if for an exhibition.
11P 04 XX.XX NS

Thinking a lot, following conversations at the weekend, about wanting to belong to groups and not being able to commit myself totally to any group. My thoughts are that I am always a stranger, wherever I go. This is something I have cultivated all my life. I knew that Hyoscyamus was a remedy that has helped me a lot, but never understood why until now (it was prescribed primarily on physicals and instinct...). I have a fear of betrayal and am consequently suspicious of everyone. Always have been. I also associated this with the position of my grandparents, who died in Auschwitz having taken a decision not to leave Germany because they were Germans and they were loyal to their country, in spite of everything. I imagined them having to walk into the gas chambers naked, ashamed, betrayed by their own friends and countrymen. I feel that these have been issues for me that I have never fully dealt with, perhaps. I believe that these are not directly issues of the remedy, but that it has made me sufficiently detached to be able to see that these are key issues for me to deal with.

I had a feeling of utter and total suicidal despair. This has been a common symptom for me especially recently but this was more a flash of the complete experience and understanding of that state rather than the usual ongoing participation in it.
22G 01 17.00 NS

Walking past a tray with cutlery in it I felt a powerful impulse to pick up a knife and thrust it right into my heart. Such an impulse is not particularly new, but the idea of using a knife is.
22G 02 08.30 AS

Typing up some AIDS nosode cases and then watching TV I was completely overwhelmed by the sadness of life. Boxed into an impossible position I really don't want to be part of this sadness. Nothingness would be a thousand times better. I went to bed weeping and reciting the mantra I just want to die. I just want to die.
22G 68 XX.XX IOS

Woke up writing a poem about death being my lover. Comparing the her sweet kiss to a lover's kiss that turns sour. The earthy taste of her other lips that are a portal to the sweet comfort of the grave, rather than a source of the pain of life and the sweet waters of Lethe suckled at her smooth cold breast.
22G 69 07.00 NS

Evil

Feeling evil and malevolent. Feel as if it would be a pleasure to hurt people and things.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

The devil has got hold of me and is squeezing the living daylights out of me.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

I antidoted the proving remedy yesterday. Took a Sulphur 200 dose then today another Sulphur 200. The last few days before antidoting have been pretty bad and low but with no feeling of depression. I had felt a sense of malevolence and evil, as an entity or a devil inside. I felt hatred and resentment to all who are close to me, in fact to the whole world. Nothing was pure, bright and clean any more - all tarnished, decayed and impure. I hated the whole of mankind, all God's works were ill-made and ill-done. Concomitant to these feelings, sickness in the stomach - a nausea and wobbly feeling in the stomach. No feeling for anything or anyone, just couldn't be bothered. Music made things better, as did doing small practical tasks, like cooking/driving, etc. A sensation of being crushed under a massive weight - a sense of a solid, stony mountain above me, and I was walled up inside a little stone-lined, cold tomb. Such a long lot of coldness, running in shivers through me - hands and feet eternally cold, especially at night in bed, when I couldn't get warm. The image of all my life juice and flow being squeezed dry in a Devil's fist. I felt dry and dessicated - pains in my joints - hands, wrists, elbows, hips and knees. Two mornings ago I could hardly get out of bed, my back (sacro-iliac joint) was so painful. Three nights ago I dreamt that I lost the silver-headed pin of my hair grip I had to put my hand down the toilet in all the muck and shit in order to try and find it. I remember the sense of disgust and nausea at having to do this. Things in the relationship with my partner have been bad, not explosive, but really I had a couldn't care less attitude - I couldn't be bothered to relate, to talk, to communicate, it wasn't worth the effort.
02P 82 XX.XX NS

Feel worried that the proving is not showing up the dark side of the remedy. Torn between disappointment that it will have been a waste of time and again a feeling of selfishness that I want people to suffer.
22G 46 XX.XX IOS

I feel very ashamed of all the bad things I have ever done or said. I feel like people can see through what's on the surface to this horrible person underneath.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

A street scene, row houses (New York brownstones) someone is loading a van with household items. I think it is my stuff, stolen from my flat. As it turns out, it is not my stuff. I note "You often think things like that".
01P 02

In a street market. Someone is putting together a bundle of long stalked flowers. I end up with them & someone is very disapproving (if they had done it they wouldn't have included those!) I have one with a thick stem and circular leaves that increase in diameter from top to bottom. I use it as a walking stick and we walk ceremonially (sic). First through a room like a corridor with very thick opaque glass floor - it is very beautiful, lots of plants, I point out its advantages. Successive rooms are larger & the floor thinner until we are on a glass, though reinforced, that is see through. I am "swimming" on the glass - demonstrating to the others in the procession another way of travelling on this - although there are some people dancing on it ahead.
01P 02

In the dream my brother and sister and law come into my house and there is some kind of drug deal that they involved with. They have guns, or a gun and they are threatening to kill us which is somewhat frightening but I am much more annoyed with it. At some point they are distracted and I see my niece, one of their daughters, coming up the drive, so I slip out and go up to her and say look, your parents have got a gun, they are threatening to kill us. I want you to go to the police and say that, they will probably laugh at you but I just want it known. I go back in the house and they say, Oh what did you do that for! (everyone laughs) Oh, come on now, just see, these are just toy guns and they show me a little packet with these ineffectual gold toy guns in them. I say those are not the guns, or that is not the gun you had, I want that gun and its' out now. Its' a peculiar little dream, and I do see my niece later, she says, yeah, they did laugh at me, the police.
01P 03

A set in a theatre is being built or repaired and I am involved somehow. It is being built like a house - it is both a house and a set. The walls are all up, defining narrow rooms, but are mostly the struts and beams, like ribs. In places there is plaster (sheet rock) or boards nailed up. either there are no doors or they are likewise covered. I want to go out. I point out to a workman that if a square board is removed - about 4 ft from the floor - I could squeeze through and get to thwe door. I try to go head first, realise I won't make it, so I go feet first. I end up in the vestibule before the door. It is very dark and dusty - lots of luggage and shoes in front of the door. It is both a door and part of the set. As I start to clear the way I see someone in the roonm I've just come from - a black girl - she may have been there all along - it may have been she who helped me hoist myself through the struts, which now bear the marks of my straining through. I haven't a sense of trying to escape, just making a determined effort to accomplish my goal.
01P 05

I am on a ladder that goes into the rafters of a building, into the attic - you can also see over the walls into other apartments. I can see the whole internal structure.
01P 18

I am at my parents' house - outside - I'm distressed to see that 3 row houses have been buit right up next to their's (which is in the lake district). The houses are buit so that you can see underneath - the floorboards and beams are showing. I go out back, cross a bridge over a narrow valley. From the other side, I watch a torrent of water come down the stream, blowing water onto the sides of the valley. When it has passed, I return to the house. I am looking underneath the houses, at the beams and spacers and floorboards. I am looking for something. An electrical outlet? I am disappointed that my brothers - once great fishers and hunters - don't now even have a fishhook. "You don't even have a canoe!" I say. "Oh, there's a canoe, it's just broken."
01P 24

I and some others, were stalking around a large house in which some nouveau riche people with a blue Mercedes lived. We had been inside a couple of times. As we were leaving the man turned up. We crept away but he saw us as we left. We went to the town to a "safe-house". He turned up and was being quite menacing, implying he knew we had been stalking. I had a duvet cover in my hand. The word "Para" kept coming in. I was in Spain with two raggle-taggle kids who were mine. A German woman had won a competition. The prize was an apartment. We were in the apartment which she was checking out, complaining it was not big enough. We looked around the apartment and there was a whole load of space she had not seen. She kept saying, "Scheisse, Scheisse!" Then we were in a night club. The focus in both these dreams was on houses buildings.
02P 02

I was at Dame Edna Everidge's house visiting. I was tidying up the house. Dame Edna found some details of what I had done wrong. She said I should not come to visit so often. Next I found myself on the phone to the military trying to contact a soldier I knew who was coming out of the services. Then a snapshot of a primary school. Walking in line with the kids and teachers. For some reason all the girls with pink cardigans had to be in the front of the line. Then I was at a drama therapy session with my partner. I was wearing only a white T shirt, nothing else! It was women only, but I did not want to join in. The women did various exercises and I was getting more frustrated. Finally I jumped up and said " that's not the way to do it or say it.!" I started to act and pronounce a word. I felt the word resonating in my mouth with power. A talent scout came along and said he wanted to take my photo as I pronounced this word. I was aware of the sound echoing perfectly through and round my mouth. He took photos with a small camera.
02P 04

I had to leave my home and go and live at a fellow student's house near Dartmoor. The house was very small and she has three kids, but that didn't matter. I realized that I hadn't handed in my notice so I asked if I could phone my landlord. I dialed the number but I couldn't get through. Then I realized I was dialing my friend's number. I went for a walk. A guy came with me. We passed my friend who was walking on the moor. The man kept trying to offer me money to help me out. I felt very insulted.
02P 04

I'm in Spain or Venezuela in a massive villa at the top of a hill. A family live there and are still at work. They come back home and are exhausted. The woman complains that the cleaners have moved all her stuff. We go to a night club. There is a juggler there. He does some juggling and then proposes to juggle behind his back. He can't do it and then all the bottles go everywhere. I find myself in a foreign country and it is New Year. There are people seated at table, feasting and drinking. I give a speech in which I wish the whole world happiness, joy, peace and good health in body and mind. I say this in Spanish in the dream. Then for some reason I am a special agent and must escape from the place. I draw away from the crowds and go to an old bath/toilet block. It is high up. I go to a toilet to wait for a signal. I am afraid that I will be discovered. The lock on the door is calibrated with numbers and actually moves with time. People are looking for me and calling me. Next I see my mother when she was young. She has the chance to work in a factory. She has the fluffy warm boots on. A voice-over says she is too delicate and weak to work in a factory. She has been spoilt as an only child.
02P 05

Snapshot of being in a public toilet, a very highbrow young woman was there. She was wearing a black velvet dress studded with diamonds. She had hung a 2 piece on the door of the toilet. The top had an embroidered dragon on it.
02P 06

I went to London. I met a child for a cup of tea in the canteen. There was nowhere to sit and we walked on until we found ourselves in unfamiliar streets. We went into an amazing shop which was quite weird and full of strange sculptures. I thought the sculptures, which were all gothic, would be hard and stone-like, but when I touched one it was all soft like wool. I was in a mental hospital trying to find my way home. Then I wandered out and saw an acquaintance. She took me to the house of a friend of hers who was a mechanic. He was half Asian and very funny. When I entered he grabbed hold of me, tickled me and we were teetering on a see-saw plank. We were both laughing uproariously. I saw he was wearing a most unusual brooch in pale mauve. It was a broach of three working men - one had a shovel, one a pick - there was sculptural quality about this brooch. I had a bath in this man's apartment, which was very small and cramped and mean looking. I wanted to go to the toilet but it kept overflowing with shit all over the room. I came out and got in my car and tried to go down the street. It was a one way street, a host of buses honked their horns at me. I got out, got on a bus and went down Lower Carlyle Road for a long way. I was carrying two bags and a spear. I kept asking how to get out of London, getting directions. Then I got off the bus and realized I'd have to catch a bus back, in order to get my car. I saw a green wheelie bin with a discarded orange toy baby Frankenstein. I thought he was only a toy, but he opened his eyes and looked at me. He screamed. It was clear he thought that I was a monster.
02P 06

I was a girl in a convent school. The bathroom and shower of the building had a door opening into the church. The nuns and staff insisted on leaving the bathroom door open, there was no privacy. One of the nuns (called Chris Burns) was sadistic, very much a prison warder type, like something out of Prisoner Cell Block H. She was on a mission to break my spirit. I tried shutting the door but she kept opening it and people kept wandering in from church. I couldn't have a shower and was getting more and more desperate. Finally I could feel she wanted to see me naked in the shower. Something in me broke and I found myself hugging her. I could feel her softening. I started to cry and woke up crying.
02P 08

My partner and I are looking at some clothes in a second hand sale. I say this one's for you and pull out a dressing gown which has pictures of birds on it. I'm especially drawn to the picture of the Peregrine falcon, and point this bird out to my partner. The sale takes place on a piece of land which looks like a building site.
02P 12

I was on holiday with my partner in Spain. I saw a map of the place. We had only three days left. Partner had disappeared, I learnt, into a room which changed into whatever the occupant wanted. But there was not one for me. I looked at the map to decide what to do. There was a wild area with mountains and herons. I decided to set off walking. Suddenly I was a tramp-woman, dressed in old, dirt clothes, my hair grey and matted. I was about 65 years old. I had nowhere to stay. I was tired. I went into a house. There seemed to be no one there. Then I realised there was someone in the toilet. I waited. an old woman came out of the toilet. She said "no, no, you can't stay here!" I fell on my knees crying and begging her to let me stay. She relented. In the dream I really felt the sensation of crying.
02P 18

I was leaving my convent school and wanted to say goodbye to the nuns in the kitchens. I went down the stairs to the dining room and kitchens. They were there but seemed much older. I said goodbye to them and we chatted in French. Suddenly a file of cubs and brownies came in. They were very unruly. The nuns started getting really flustered, looking for the person in charge.
02P 19

Woke feeling sad and a little scared. Had had a disturbing dream which I couldn't remember. There were things in it from the previous day, but exaggerated with a sense of danger. I was clearing dog shit (which I did yesterday) but it was from someone else's garden and I was hiding from some one while I did it.
02P 23

Dreamed that my cat who is dead was flying through the trees. I was worried that he might catch a pet rat. I turned around and saw that the rat was in a cage.
02P 28

Very soft dreams last night. Feeling of images flowing into one another and a soft and sweet sense of contact between us all.
02P 31

I was on my way to Venezuela, where I used to live, but I was on a small boat heading into the harbour, trying to orientate myself prior to entry into the port. Once there I was more myself. I found myself in the house of my ex-husband's relations. This was the way into Venezuela, but I had to get through without their noticing me. I did so and made my way up the hill to the back of the house. Then I was with my eldest daughter. We were playing a game with cushions, small ones, which had to be set in a pattern of five, in a specific way. Next I found myself alone, walking along a road in the bush. I was slightly nervous walking alone. A man passed me, wearing sunglasses. We exchanged pleasantries. He walked on just in front of me. I was looking at the road through the corner of his sunglasses.
02P 34

I was coming out of my house and across the lawn of my neighbour's house, I saw my cat (who died last August) running towards me. He looked young and vigorous, about 3 years old and his coat was the most beautiful deep orange-ginger colour.
02P 39

Woke up angry from a dream. I was just about to open a shop in my home town. I was looking around the building. There was an old closet in the building. I opened it up. Inside there were lots of very beautiful crystals, and also some paintings/carvings on stone of Buddhas. Two crystals in particular caught my eye. One was a bright yellow orange/colour cubic shaped crystal, one on top of the other. The other was an ametrine (amethyst and citrine). It had been carved into a Sun with wavy rays. It was scintillating, glowing and very beautiful. I went back to the room I was sharing with my partner, and told her about the find. She wasin a bad mood, and started to try to pick a fight, telling me I was more concerned with the shop and crystals than with her. I felt goaded and angry and woke up with that feeling.
02P 42

I was part of an aggressive American style chat show. A lesbian was accused of having murdered her girlfriend. My partner and I were part of the show as witnesses. The style of questioning was hard and aggressive. Most of the dream concerned the questioning. I began to feel fed up and sorry for the girl who was being questioned. I wandered off with my three dogs and found myself in an old, ruined, stone building. I knew it was time to feed the dogs. I squatted down and pulled lumps of food for them out of my own vagina. Then a beautiful cat ran shyly by me. It had a bone in its mouth.
02P 42

I was a Venezuelan woman with six children ranging in age from a baby to 25 years old. I looked different, was in my fifties. Country was in a growing of civil war situation and I was a single parent. I had to exert a strong authority on my children in order to keep order which would enable them to be saved from the dangerous situation in the streets. One night I gave them an order which they all refused to follow. There was an argument between my children and myself. I threatened to leave if they did not do as I asked. They told me to leave. I felt devastated and desolate. All my efforts had been in vain and had gone unrecognized. I left very distraught and sad. I waited for a bus outside the street as I waited a very attractive Irishwoman started flirting with me. I felt very uneasy and tried to shake her off. I boarded a bus.
02P 49

I dreamt first that I was raped by a revolting looking man. I was in a house that I didn't know or recognize and he forced me to have sex. Later I went back to the house. He was in the bedroom and came out with a white nylon petticoat and put it on me. It had decorations which were spangly and silvery on the top, and the hem. In the next dream I was competing to be on a TV quiz show. I had lots of questions to answer before the show began. There was snow outside. First I answered all the questions. Then the woman who asked the questions made it purposefully difficult for me - she asked me lots of questions about recipes and cookery which I couldn't answer.
02P 59

I was naked in a line of women and girls - we were all foreign. There was a pit before us. The whole area was devastated and burnt. I felt that I was about to be shot, that I'd be buried in the pit below.
02P 59

More dreams of sex. Monday night I dreamt I got off with Grant Mitchell from Eastenders. I hardly ever have sexual dreams normally.
02P 62

In the first dream I was in a room. In the corner of the room there was a machine (bit like an electric meter) which we had to put coins into. It only took £1 and 50p coins (new and old). I was with a friend and I was particularly concerned that she did not put all the money into the machine at once and that some was saved for the following day. I kept going over and trying to organise her. Next to the machine was a small animal (don't know what sort) it had a long pointed tongue. I had to make sure I got the money into the machine without the animal flicking out its tongue and getting me, it could have been poisonous.
05P 03

I was in a field with 2 other people (don't know who). There were lots of hay/straw bales stacked in rectangular shapes (the size of small sheds). I don't know why we were there but it was as though we shouldn't have been and there was an element of danger involved. What struck me was that there were piles of white plastic coffee cups scattered about. This annoyed me quite a bit and I kept saying "how can people leave their litter in a field". I found my concern about this odd because of the sense of danger involved in whatever it was we were doing. Suddenly a car raced past us and swerved around. It came to a sudden stop next to the bales we were then hiding behind. Men/people jumped out of the car, at this time we were on the floor in a row. A man started tying us up, I was the last person. When he got to me he started asking me about homœopathy. It was like we were just having a normal conversation. For some reason he took a sharp pointed object and went to stab it into an open wound I had on my hand. At this point I was aware that there was a lot of mud and I had it on my hands. As he went to stab me I raised my leg to kick/push him off and I actually woke up physically kicking my left leg. I have never awoken from a dream in this way before.
05P 03

I was in another field. For some reason a large portion of the field had been dug into a square shape (it reminded me of the site of an archaeological dig). I wasn't actually doing any digging. I was aware that the people who were digging were trying to find things in the soil. Someone (the person in charge I think) told them that if they started digging in a slightly different area they would be able to find what they were looking for. I realized I was looking down through cracks in soil and could see things beneath it. Somehow the things - which turned out to be fictional characters from a children's TV programme were dug up and managed to run away. It was like they had escaped. I felt really happy for them.
05P 04

Dream that involved a man and a woman. They were being chased/pursued. They were caught in the end. The woman ended up being taken away by some men. The man had tried to escape and go into hiding. For some reason he ended up in a wheelchair. He looked much older than at the beginning of the dream, it was as though he had aged in front of me. I was not actually in the dream but watching the events. I felt the anxiety of the woman's capture. I was also greatly concerned that they had become separated.
05P 06

Dream, something to do with driving a car in the dark from one destination to another. When I switched the lights of the car on I could see this huge steep hill going downwards (looked really steep like rollercoaster ride effect). Had to get to destination without this animal getting me, "attacking me out of the darkness" were the words that first came into my mind.
05P 08

I was in a room. There was an animal outside in the darkness (think it was a big cat of some sort) and an animal inside - couldn't remember what and I'm not sire if I recognised it. I knew it was important not to let the animal which was inside go out where they could be eaten/attacked by another animal. My dog (who I was very attached to and died over a year ago now was in the dream - it was nice to see her) at one point went out through a catflap in the door. I heard her coming back in and went to make sure she had got back through. I locked the catflap so she couldn't go out again and risk being harmed.
05P 08

I was in a car on a petrol station forecourt. Another car drew up and a man started firing a shotgun at a third car which was already parked there. Although I was there I was not involved in what was going on but I ducked down in my car all the same. It was like I was watching it all on a film. I felt detached from what was going on.
05P 11

I was walking by a roadside (there was no traffic) with other people from my homœopathy group. Every time we came to a junction there was a discussion over whether or not we should turn off or keep walking in a straight line with other people.
05P 11

I'd met up with a friend who I usually go out for a drink with. She was with this guy who she said she'd prefer to spend more time socializing with and how great it would be. In the dream I felt really upset, it was like anxiety and that she preferred his company to mine.
05P 12

In a room with a large group of people. Somehow we ended up going on a coach trip. We stopped off so we could all go to the toilet. Woman driving bus was dictatorial and bossy, I found her quite intimidating. She stressed how we did not have much time to stop. There were many obstacles we had to go through before being able to get to the toilet. Climbing stairs. Crawling through a narrow space, a box effect, it was high up and quite dangerous. At end of dream someone noted there were no facilities for disabled people. I just thought where were toilets for disabled and how would they manage.
05P 12

I went up to a window which was misty. A man's face appeared at it, it was Bill Clinton (US President). I stuck up my middle finger to him as if telling him to 'piss off'. He asked me nicely not to do that to him and said I'd got the wrong person. I apologized and said I thought he was another man who'd been hassling my sister and trying to come onto her. I felt protective towards my sister and angry with this man, I wanted to tell him where to go.
05P 16

There was an animal I didn't really know what. I didn't know why it was there. It was a bit like a cat, a sort of bigger version of our cat who lives in the barn at my family's home.
05P 16

I was with a group of people, think it was to do with homoeopathy. I had to do some photocopying. I couldn't get it right. I went off into another room to file things away. I was getting quite anxious about not being able to do it quickly enough. By the time I returned to the room where the rest of the group was they had all gone, I didn't know where but I knew I had been left alone.
05P 16

I was in a homœopathy class. I had to leave during the morning. I went to this place which was meant to be a place where I had once worked for a long time but it looked nothing like it. I met up with some people who I should have known because I used to work with them but I didn't recognize any of them. I was in a room with a group of them and felt really left, uncomfortable and awkward. I knew I didn't belong there.
05P 18

I had a dream. It was something to do with me being in handcuffs in a car. There was another person with me also handcuffed. I realised I could get my handcuffs off but I knew if I did so then I would get into trouble by the person driving the car.
05P 20

Dreamt something about lighting a bonfire last night. I was burning old rubbish and had stacked it up in piles almost in a circle. Somebody told me the bonfires were too high, they were going to put them out because the fires could spread and set a nearby house on fire.
05P 22

Dream, something to do with the Titanic. Somehow I had managed to get some written passes which said that I could get off it. Once I had been given them I had to quickly get away. There was another group of people after me, I think one of them had a very ornamental knife and also a sword.
05P 26

I was on a pebbly beach with a friend, we were sitting at a picnic table. There was a doberman sitting with us by the table. I heard an explosion. I turned to see that a boat on the sea had exploded into flames. We watched it.
05P 31

Dreamt last night about a woman with a beard it was beige, and looked soft. She shaved it off and had stubble on her face, I found it quite freaky.
05P 46

I can see what is happening in front of me. We have crossed the border from Spain. I look for my younger brother who is about twelve or thirteen, I find him chatting up two beautiful twelve to thirteen year old girls who are having a bit of a time together in a corner, of some sort of room, quite innocent, they are all very beautiful looking , beautifully presented and the girls speak English, so I realise that my brother has crossed the border and found someone who speaks English, whatever that means. I say we must go and my brother says that nobody loves him and I say I do as we rush down some metal steps like a fire escape thing. Then we get processed, the next part is really wierd, I feel like we are being processed in some sort of factory together and for me it is like going backwards head-first down a slide like when you are younger Its like going around in an enclosed helter-skelter or a think its called a swimming pool flume, its one of those things about like a corridor actually. I don't remember any details of it, just this feeling of whats' happening to me. I don't know where I am and at one point there is a red carpet under me. We eventually emerge as toy soldiers - giant children's hands come towards me and these hands are joined to a face which is really pleased - its saying Oh I want that as it is reaching out to get me. Somehow I get away and play with the other toys.
06P 02

I was in a garden with friends who were talking to a rough and ready man whatever that means, who erects a large temporary building. My friends help and leave me alone. I feel uninvolved. They talk about the cannabis crops they were involved with and show me some blurred photographs which I think Oh, they don't know how to take photographs, they are not very good. A bit critical.
06P 02

I was in a playground and I watched as a woman was scraped along the ground for a little while and she had hurt her thigh or leg. There was a car involved, I can't remember that now, and people were gathering round. I felt quite remote from it.
06P 02

I am in a world of tyranny. It feels like Sadaam Hussein's troops are around me in this town. It feels like an occupied town of which I am a citizen. Its a sort of shanty town, its quite busy and I am swimming around the town, its an aquatic town. I watch men about to go on dives, and I watch these troops, a little bit, like I am gathering intelligence. One of the men says are you a soldier? And are you on the other side? I say, No, no I just moved away. I feel younger than him. I feel like a child. And later three men, there is an American man talking in a bar or something, and I am watching him, he is being quite loud. He is telling us the correct pronunciation of "show" whatever that is. We are speaking it wrong, and then these three men slowly approach him and then attack him with knives killing him and I fend them off with a shopping trolley. (Huge Laughs) I stab one of them and eventually all the assailants are murdered in revenge. I quickly run off, dropping the knives somewhere remote so that they can't be found. And then I walk back and try to mingle back into the rest of the town. I am walking past troops and I am trying to look as if nothing has happened so I have a sense that I have done something pretty awful and I am with a knife with a sense of justice around it as well.
06P 02

I was walking around a castle and I find these large engineless glider-like planes just sort of propped on the edge of the battlements. I just push them off and they just fly beautifully through the air like a glider. There were these two eccentric young English posh men, who I later find out own the place and it is their job to provide the planes for visitors.
06P 02

I was camping in the rain on a wet and muddy campsite. On the edge of the campsite was a deserted school and I could see tables and chairs and trays and books and things. Some campers had retreated into their vans, because it was pretty miserable really so it was pretty deserted the campsite as well, and I felt quite vulnerable and exposed. Homeless, I think, I felt a bit homeless. All I had was a flimsy little tent and it was wet and horrible.
06P 03

I was in a field, but there was lots and lots of people there. It felt quite sociable and a nine year old girl, who I know, shes actually someone I look after, passed me with her grandad and family and said something to me. I can't remember what it was and a little later I dashed after them quite impulsively, I wanted to be with them, but when I got nearer it was like I was more afraid to, I felt like I was being a bit too impulsive so I gingerly approached them, thats what I wrote down. I wanted to know about my grandad, I think he was my grandad as well, but she wasn't related to me, and I wanted to know what they knew about him. I wanted to research him really, but I held back. I was more polite than I wanted to be. I talked to the father and he sent the girl over to me. I had this feeling I want my grandad.
06P 03

Sees a distressed girl outside a school, goes up to her and holds her hand, goes into the school to find a teacher or parent. Feels fear of being told off because I don't know her. The girl gets up and I see she's older, older than me, and she's still crying. I find a classroom and other busy rooms.
06P 05

Rolling on the floor snogging a girlfriend. Someone else is in the room and I'm aware of him. He was indifferent, not judging us as he was just there.
06P 05

Me and some others remove a net from a hedge. There are many conkers inside. Two of us hold each end and try and open the net, and it's difficult. Work it out eventually and feel pleased.
06P 05

Walking down a rural muddy track past an isolated semi-detached house on the left. A friend used to live there. Stand and gaze at house and remember old times. A woman is looking out of the kitchen suspiciously at me. Feel as if I may be worrying her or menacing her slightly. I go on down the track, cars struggle past and get stuck in the mud. I have a fear of being run over but have lots of time to move out the way as the cars seem to be moving slowly.
06P 05

I walk past a scientific conference in a field. There are loads of people being scientific, and an old man is directing everything.
06P 06

I am handgliding into the wind off a hilltop, but get blown back and don't take off. I try taking off the opposite way. The glider is very makeshift.
06P 06

Someone asked me for directions and then walked off as I was giving them - they were really good directions, too!
06P 06

I'm playing chess with a boy. I take his king at the beginning of the game, he says, "fine" and packs up.
06P 10

I am in a big audience watching two people make music, although they look like lecturers. I am holding music technology and adding good bits of synthesiser sounds - the audience are watching. I feel good and talented. Musicians stop and start, they are confident, almost unbothered by the audience.
06P 12

A 9 year old is challenging me, I am punching him and flattening him. Later I try and sneak past a place. He is powerful. It is dark, swampy and I am carrying a big bin bag full of stuff. Felt I had to sneak past. The place was like a big wheel. It was like an army fort. I was fearing retribution.
06P 14

I was ridiculed on a street by 4 men, one was fat. I go to a chemist and give £5 before asking for what I want, then I remember I have arnica, and ask for the £5 back, which I get. I follow the 4 men and fantasise about revenge - hitting them - but fear retribution. So I cycle past and laugh at the Fat Git - that's revenge.
06P 14

In a foreign country travelling along the coast. I'm looking at the lovely rocky cliff. Eventually me and another boy climb some cliffs, its easier and shorter than I thought. My Dad and Brother are nearby. I feel disappointed because the cliff is not challenge at all.
06P 14

On a hill with an old climbing friend. He shows me his areas of Brighton, he's in Liverpool and this is his areas of Brighton, a huge city by the sea. See a huge city and feel frightened. We walk away and I try to guess the name of the city - Liverpool? Riddle? Eventually he says it's St Helens. He shows he some friendly climbs which we do. Then he says there's one across the park we can to with ropes. I get my stuff, others get ready. We're in a suburban area, a car runs over the climbing equipment. I'm anxious to rescue it but am moving slower than usual but eventually do it. I try to find my friend up near the tennis courts, I drop the equipment, boiler suit, and think "what an I carrying this for, I can't find him or the rocks". I enter a class of children, two of us have to do a presentation, the other one feels the responsibility is all on him. I step in and bring a rope, A 10yr old makes a sarcastic comment that I find funny.
06P 19

Standing on a table with another man, who attacks me with his hands, wrestling. I am powerful, using Tai Chi to unbalance him and throw him off. " African men also challenge me. I have a knife, they dodge as I playfully attack with the knife.
06P 21

Dream I am sitting having n intellectual discussion regarding social education. The word "chicken" reoccurred. Images/memories of emotional battles with father came up while discussing the economy/ politics /religion
06P 22

In a pub sitting at a bar, groups of men come in and leave again. Initially I feel fear, then I see that they are alright. Some old absent friends are sleeping in a pub with me, I feel let down excluded, not involved with the conversion.
06P 23

I was cycling very fast down a busy city hill. Feel confident, in control, mad. At the bottom is a roundabout. I see a girl I know so I talk to her the realise I don't know her. She's very pretty. I see an old university colleague making models. Lots of beautiful girls live in a hall of residence with him. 2 lovely Chinese girls approach me as I stand with the fridge door, with their Mum. The mother pulls the girls blouse and the scamper away. I remain calm but am shocked and intrigued.
06P 23

I'm in London - it's very big, huge, new cars everywhere. I look over a cliff and see a field with old crops in it. I go to a big posh house - an old friend's father's house. It's very square, clean, newspapers on racks,, three tables. I watch TV in a different room, The theme of the TV programme becomes sexual. My old friend's father tells me my old friend has got a "little woman" which I feel is derogatory. I'm embarrassed, and turn my attention to a painting of one of the ancestors, who looks disapproving.
06P 23

Walk along a lake see many fish in the shallows even sea fish. The water is transparent, its normally muddy. I take a person with learning difficulties (small, vulnerable, dependant, retarded, strange) down a straight jungle alleyway. He is engulfed by tribesmen who bite and eat his face. I am terrified, disgusted, and run back along alleyway to vehicle.
06P 24

There are 6-7 mangled cars twisted together in a heap about 2 cars high. I think, how peculiar, no smoke or fire but there has been a pile up. They are all in a cul-de-sac. I'm looking around the wreckage, there are many people, conscious, upside down and trapped, looking at me. I panic and think I must get help!. I go to the other side and find an unconscious man - I try to get him out but the metal is too hard.
06P 24

I am with a pretty younger girl who is 17. We are behaving amorously with each other. My dad is in the house and I hide from him (a sense of being bad and doing wrong). She fellates me, which I am anxious about although enjoy it.
06P 24

In an earthy quarry, I have a stick in my hand. I meet another man similarly armed (but with a metal stick) and we fight. I disarm him and beat him all over, maybe breaking all his bones, just hit and hit and hit.
06P 24

I meet a girl at a horse race and her family. I get shown their family home which is for sale. She drives me around in a suburban area, and nearly hits a car at a T-junction. She has a strange younger sister, her mother is harsh, smacks her bum and puts her to bed. Selling the house is difficult, a barn nearby sold for loads.
06P 25

In a weird music exam with many others. Teacher hits notes in sequences and we have to write them down, I can't o it, I'm a long way behind, hear bits but not others. Get further behind and out of touch. Feel frustrated, seat and weep, its and over-whelming disaster. We're in a conveyor-belt type line which gets closer to the teacher, others are finished and sit easily in front of me. I'm crying openly and in a terrible state. Teacher is unaffected by my plight.
06P 26

Armageddon is happening. I am amongst 100's of people in a rural environment but with a huge tall building, Nuclear explosions are occurring far away but getting nearer. They are awesome. I am with the girls from the previous dream and others ( a bit like Terminator), We are running, hiding, troops are moving in, bombs are going off. I constantly hope to find somewhere safe.
06P 26

Dream about fishing with brother and another friend. At the end of the fishing period I see barbles lifting vertically out of the water up to their middles and feeding on bread crusts. I re-tackle up as we're about to leave. I find a tin of big worms, want to use them as bait.
06P 27

Returned after a long absence to my old lab, where I did my PhD. An old colleague has disease of the face, ears and eyes, inflamed, stiff. Has been having a lot of drugs which make things worse. I ask if he's had homœopathy or acupuncture - he doesn't believe in it. Get into new member of the group, they are all called Bob, and all the girls seems very young. I feel old, mature, superior but cool.
06P 29

Walk semi-naked around a suburban avenue and sit on a wall. An older woman embraces me from behind. When I realise she wants me I feel inwardly disgusted but do nothing. I become assertive and tell her to leave me alone, go away. I find some of missing clothes in her garden, hurriedly dress, but feel thwarted When she returns I go and look for my car but she has my cat too. So I say I'll be back in a while for the cat. (He says that he didn't like this dream at all, and also that it just feels important to him. He had a feeling of revulsion and of being abused.)
06P 32

I'm on my way to work in the city, I'm smartly dressed. Meet and flirt with a beautiful woman, get close quickly. Say goodbye to my mum easily this time, she says "have a nice time tonight" to us both. I feel sure we'll meet after work but the woman is not so keen.
06P 32

Dream of being called on stage in front of a big audience, my body feels small and awkward. I answer celebrity host in monosyllabic replies. He challenges me to table tennis and its a long close match. I feel better than him but he does well and I worry that the audience will be bored. I see the answers to the quiz question that I think I will be asked soon, and I try not to make it obvious that I'm memorising them.
06P 32

Amorous dreams - I wanted to hold a woman tightly but she resists and is uncomfortable. I seduce and make skillful love to another woman.
06P 36

At a festival in a group of people and an older woman hugs me from behind whist we are sitting. We rock gently and slowly and rotate as if in a dance. I feel a little uncomfortable with it. 06P 40

High up on a mountain with my supervisor. He points up at a crack line in the rock face (which is steep and vertical) and indicates "are you ready to go". I'm afraid, its very scary, without ropes, let alone up there (there is a fear of falling). I bottle out. He disappears round a corner. Me and another cling on to the present position with a fear of falling. 06P 40

Dream of having incestuous sex with my brother, I was penetrating him, there was a strong sense of doing wrong.
06P 41

I get into a bath with a female house-mate and as we chat I do a poo, which I then feel ashamed about. I try to put the turds down the plug hole, and put lots of soap in, She's quite stoical but complains about the soap. I feel invasive, can't understand why I've done it. She gets out of the bath and is not happy with me.
06P 42

In an oral exam with 3 examiners who are informal an procrastinate. We all eat then drink. I worry about my memory, after all it was 6 years ago that I did all the work, and I want to go back to it. We meet in a closed down old shop, upstairs.
06P 47

Meet older Indian woman after long absence, we kiss passionately and then I feel her breasts, she has got hard dark nipples. Also had a dream about a woman I used to fancy showing her breasts.
06P 49

Desperately trying not to miss a train in the station. I run very fast. A girl in the dream rejects me, I have to creep along a high walkway with huge drops below to get to the train.
06P 54

Dream about being annoyed, my brother and his friend have been spying on me with a video. I bust their equipment. Felt annoyed and angry.
06P 55

Dream - it's WWIII. We watch from across the sea, England has been blown up, forces are coming towards us, we run inland.
06P 57

Visiting boss's house, he's not in. Its dark. Someone arrives, I hide in the grass hoping I wont be seen. I've done something wrong.
06P 58

Dream of being threatened and menaced outside car and house by loads of men. Feel very alone and very threatened.
06P 61

I was busy, involved in some group thing, either at a fete, market or something. I notice a man I recognize. He was a vicar that I had felt attracted to some years back called Peter Stone. I was pleased to see him, I hugged him. He said, "You still fancy me, don't you?" I Said "You're the Devil, you have got devilment in your eyes." I was looking right into his eyes. I felt it was a menacing look. I tried to pull away, but his arms were wrapped around me twice, I struggled and got free.
07P 02

Loads of people going into a big building. There's a huge dance floor with grey and white checked floor and grey marble pillars. We all go up lots of stairs and out into the open air. Lots of trees around, big walled garden - eating out in the open. Loads of tables, beautifully laid up - waiters everywhere, a band, people are seated by the waiters. I'm with my sister-in-law and a member of our group. The table we go to is not beautifully laid up and the food is being dished up on to the table - not plates. I'm hungry - my sister-in-law is inviting me to eat, but I'm conscious that I'm not booked to eat. More people come to the table, there's not enough room, a few black people come over, it gets a bit heated over whose seat is whose. Feeling of 'we mustn't be prejudice' - there is no room and they might think we're being prejudiced'. I tell my sister-in-law "Don't stand for this, demand another table".
07P 05

I'm in my kitchen, I've invited people round to see my new extension - only it isn't an extension. I'm preparing food and people are in and out. I don't take any notice of them, I go outside and park a white car very carefully in a small space in my front garden; taking great care to line it up with a muddy grass bank - this is the extension I'm so proud of! The kitchen is all new white cabinets.
07P 06

Went for a job at son's butchers. Sat at tables set up in the shop to wait for manager. One of the staff brings me and my youngest son a cake each - she says 'don't let the boss see them' so we have to be discreet about eating them and hide them when he comes. There's a lot of people at these tables and lots of bustle. I don't really want this job, I know it's hard work. When the boss comes I stand up. I've got a tight little mini skirt on and he looks me over and up and down. I feel very uncomfortable. I'm surprised to look down and see what I'm wearing and I don't like the way he's looking at me. I get the job and off he goes, I remember I have to tell him something, so I go off to look for him. I climb lots of stairs and pass lots of stalls with nice jewellery and some ethnic stuff on them. Sometimes I have to squeeze through narrow gaps. Eventually I come out into the open. It's a green bushy shrubby garden. I can see the manager in the distance walking his dog. My mum is in the garden tending a tree. I tell her I'm looking for him and why and she points to where he's gone and says run and you will catch him up. He has disappeared from sight.
07P 07

I'm driving round and round a town trying to find my way to something. Eventually I park the car in huge car park, I go through an underground tunnel, I'm in a hurry. I join a queue waiting to get into somewhere, I think I'm waiting to get into my husband's work place. The building is empty but we're all waiting to get in it. I see my boss rushing by - I call to him and ask him to phone my husband and tell him I am held up in the queue!
07P 08

I'm dressed up and performing in front of people - it feels like a works do. Felt very insecure about it all, I felt I didn't fit in, I didn't have all the stuff I should have and yet I'd spent ages getting it all together, wasn't confident in what I was doing.
07P 09

Was watching fireworks. Teachers who were responsible for children were standing with them very close to the fireworks. A rocket was about to go up. I shouted to them to move further away but they took no notice (did not hear me?). I then pushed them bodily further away.
09P 02

Went to visit a village hall with disabled student 14 years old. I was responsible for her. We were going along a small muddy road and coming to a bend (a wooden fence caused the bend as it was across the path of the road). I could hear a car coming the other way around the corner of the fence and rushed to push her wheelchair well clear in case the car did not have time to miss her. I did not think the fence was a good place to get behind - not safe enough- so rushed into space away from the fence. We were going to a village where I met with a boy (that I know) and his mother. She showed me a pair of shorts she had bought for his birthday and he put them on to show me. They were a bright light blue and were very big for him. He was very pleased with them. His mother was too as she said they would last for years, especially as he could wear them later back-to-front. His legs could then go down through the netting inside, which would leave more room for his larger genitals as they grew.
09P 02

Saw a picture frame but did not know what to put in it. Hung it on the wall as it was, could see the wall through the frame.
09P 03

Two young children were standing near a wall and their arms shrank back in to their bodies until their arms were very short. I couldn't see any hands. They showed no emotions. The baby who was also in the dream was OK. A man fed it from a disembodied breast. He held the baby and held the nipple for the baby to latch on to.
09P 03

Tall brick tower like scene in old factory. Grimy brickwork but strong and in good shape. It fell down (was blown up?)
09P 03

Found money in a stream and put it in a plastic bag. Did not realise it had been deliberately thrown there by other people and should have stayed there. There were coins and notes. I bought library books for school with it, but when at school I got so busy arranging the books in the library that I forgot to teach two sessions.
09P 04

Wearing unattractive clothing climbing rocks. These rocks covered a very large area. Had some moss growing on them and very little foot or handholds. My mother was climbing up in front of me and looked very ungainly.
09P 05

Toilets were full of shit and I got some on my skirt when I went to the toilet.
09P 05

Upstairs in a two-story bell tent that had a type of helter-skelter for an exit. I could not get out as it was blocked by a little train ride so I had to push the track away.
09P 06

Slept in a house. Three men came. I could hear them saying what they would do if they found someone in there, but I was not frightened. They came in and threatened me. I shouted for people to come and help. One came and then slowly lots came, friends of friends. One looked rather like me they said. (but I thought not as she had lots of hair!).
09P 06

Hugged my ex-partner in bed. We were snuggled up under a sheet. I felt very happy.
09P 08

I was doing some performance with a child from school and did not arrange a safety net. Someone on a trapeze was holding her by two hands but lost the grip of one hand and she fell on top of my mother who was in the audience below. She cried and when she was turned over you could see that her back had split open and we could see inside her body, her lungs, breathing, etc. Someone folded her flesh and bones back around her insides and clipped her together very neatly. I was a bit worried but more intrigued about what was happening. Did not feel real guilt.
09P 08

Took my nephew for an interview. Did not know it was going to be at the RAF. I felt tricked by my sister (as I don't approve of the army, etc.) My nephew was tricked by a friend during the interview who thought it was a joke to cause my nephew to fail. Part of the interview was to do with making a shoe but his friend threw it and it could not be found. His friend was laughing wickedly. During the dream I was walking alone a pathway and a large submarine came up in the water next to me. (Nothing could be taken for granted?)
09P 09

I was sleeping with lots of people in a big hall. All on the floor higgledy piggledy and I farted several times. People complained and I felt awful.
09P 09

A friend called for me and said we had to see someone in outskirts of town. Started walking. Ended up wrong side of town. So we went to get the bus. As I followed him, I noticed four people sitting around a table outside a cafe, two of them were young girls (11 or 12?) who started to take their clothes off. I walked towards the bus stop, where there was a group of people. There were some sexual occurrences. Not sure what. There was some confusion as to which of the people were men and which women. My main concern was that I wasn't sure where I was. Then the bus stop turned into the inside of a night club or something similar. One of the people beckoned me to come with them, which I did. As we walked the person, who I realised now was a man, was calling for the security guards. I became more concerned, so went to turn away. The man became menacing and the security guards were coming towards me from the other direction. At this point I saw a young man being carried on two people's shoulders from the door which we were headed towards. I thought if I shouted "no" at the top of my voice someone might come to my aid. So I shouted "no". Then I realised there had been no sound in my dream (apart from this), and that this wasn't my voice I could hear saying no.
11P 03

I went out on the London underground and found myself outside a tube station. At that point I realised that I was supposed to be going somewhere with my partner and felt guilty, so decided to make my way back via the tube. However the lift was stuck between floors. I went down to next floor and pressed button for lift, but it came down and got stuck between floors again (I've had similar dreams before but always got into station and then felt myself walking up and down escalators and corridors for miles, never got blocked before...)
11P 03

Vivid dreams of travel, buildings and war (but possibly not with guns, but harmless laser beams). Don't remember full details but involved climbing through a building by the sea. Also helping to construct a huge scaffolding (which was going to be used in some war against terrorists, I think). At one point I was conscious of having to get somewhere and having to climb through buildings to do so.
11P 11

Vivid dream of travelling along a fast flowing river. Sometimes I was beside it and sometimes swimming in it. I was conscious of being involved in having to take large quantities of water somewhere. I ended up in a medieval village in southern France, when I wanted to be north of Paris. I had to climb down a very steep embankment. Then I saw some schoolgirls being shown around the historic landmarks of the village.
11P 13

Very vivid dream about being held hostage by a group of terrorists with a larger group of people who took over a large house and more or less demolished it inside, putting in all kinds of struts and bars and other structures. Me and another boy ( I was about 12 in the dream, as I now realise I have been in all my dreams since taking the remedy) managed to escape when they weren't looking. We then were struggling to find a particular place. At one point we were aided by a big bird like an eagle. Then somehow we ended up in another house, which we were in the process of moving out of, and were sad about leaving. 11P 14

Strange dream involving good and bad spirits who kept interchanging roles. They were able to fly, as I was. Set in a very large building with animals in it. Like an aviary.
11P 19

Dreams of having to get marijuana to a distant location on a river by swan transport. There were 3 groups of 3 swans pulling cargoes of dope. Then some soldiers came with the intention of killing the swans. I had to quickly free the swans by cutting the ropes attaching them to their cargo.
11P 23

During night dreams of soldiers getting organised to fight in a Japanese camp.
11P 26

Peculiar dreams about docks by the river and big houses, which ended up with me leaving a trail of fluorescent figures to frighten people in a doorway before closing the door. I'm not sure whether these were live, goblin type things or just plastic figures.
11P 38

Dream of going around a house and ending up in a huge auditorium waiting to see some pigs.
11P 48

Dreams of rescuing kids from a large building on fire. Anxious dreams all night.
11P 59

Dream Friday night of brother being attacked (sexually?) by a group of his friends. He was screaming. I and another person intervened, but my brother had a go at me about it as he didn't want to lose his friends' friendship.
11P 69

A dream about different levels of a building or flat. It was the structure of the building that was significant but can't remember the rest.
12P 02

That I had auburn armpit hair 2-3ft long growing very straight, like curtains down to my waist It was very glossy and I thought it was rather wonderful though I realised that others probably didn't share my admiration for it.
12P 02

Working in a hospital as a nurse, my grandfather a patient. Diagnosed by Dr as intestinal blockage (after some time of not knowing what was wrong ) He had come to the hospital initially because he fell down stairs and I reckoned that was how it had happened - he'd got tangled in the fall. I was puzzling over what remedy would untangle his guts.
12P 03

Dream of being in hospital and not being allowed to have a meal or have a bath until they had taken a blood sample. Something to do with heart symptoms I had had a year ago.
12P 09

Cutting hand and needing stitches. When I looked into the cut it resembled the valve of a heart it was a big empty space - no blood.
12P 12

France, family house, me sitting outside with husband, serving us food. We knew the man was not honest, sexual connotations between me and the man/owner. It was bright. Paddington Station! Railings in the middle of the concourse, lots of people, dark. Waiting for either train or bus, busy running everywhere trying to find out what was going on. My youngest child was fighting with another boy, I wanted to run and get him (he was in a pool of shallow water) but my Mother was holding me back. I escaped and pulled him out and comforted him.
13P 00

Argument with Landlady, she said I couldn't stay there anymore - I felt, I like it here, where else will I go/stay?
13P 02

Dreamt we were going out, and Mum went out to get a new dress and didn't tell me - I was left wearing old dress, and I wasn't ready, then Mum slipped on the floor, and I called out 'must get her some arnica', and woke up.
13P 06

Dreamt I had another baby! Not pregnancy or birth but actually having the baby in front of me. It was so vivid. I brought it to school.
13P 09

Dreamt we went to live in Israel, sharing a flat with another family I know from school, pleased with myself for being organised quicker than she, although I'm aware that I don't have language problems and she does. Only one bathroom in the flat, wonder how we'll manage!
13P 11

Dream of trying to get two young men to take part in this proving: one seemed like he might be able to, the other wouldn't listen and didn't understand what to do. It was very hard to make regular contact with even the more promising one.
14P 02

Dream of a pub in a remote North Wales farmyard. Warm light shone out over the cobbled yard covered in cowshit. A car drew up in the carpark outside the farm gate - a customer. The farmer transforms from being a dour cowman to a genial landlord.
14P 14

Walking through town centre at night with some other students. There are some rats and people are going over to look - first one rat then lots on the pavement. We turn away and whilst walking I recognise someone from my schooldays. He walks with us for a while and I'm trying to explain to him about homoeopathy and what we're doing. Eventually he leaves - he's not interested.
14P 15

Dream of steel and glass building. Espionage. Stolen object strapped to dog's collar. Dog runs out of the building into street and up an alley. Where is it?
15P 02

Dream of flying object in sky above high buildings. I sense menace. The flying object skims along a boulevard (as in New York), out of view and explodes. I am unharmed.
15P 03

Dream of an alligator and cougar locked in battle. I think, "Good then there is no danger to me." Notwithstanding, the cougar pursues me. I flee into a farm house attic, through a door into a low roof space where armed with a roof slate I await the predator (confident that I shall be able to defend myself!)
15P 06

I dream of finding a clutch of eggs in the earth beneath the duck house. How did they get to be here? How come I had not seen them before? These are the questions which I ask myself. I bring the eggs into the house knowing that I will not be able to date them (and thus use them up in chronological sequence). I feel that I will be criticised for this, for obviously this is my fault.
15P 08

After remedy new themes developed in my dreams. During my travelling dreams I was aware of routes and rail tracks, which I have never dreamt of before.
17P 00

I was somewhere very icy and I slipped along the icy road but was still on my feet. So I started skating on my shoes as if they were skis. I was very good to handle the involuntary ride, going down fast, maintaining balance, and finding a way to avoid excessive speed by bending on one or the other side of my body. I got a prize at the end of the ride. The key to the dream seemed to be turning a curse into a blessing.
17P 00

Unusual dreams of foreign countries, some nightmares with aliens and a dream of fighting with a sword and winning.
17P 00

I have had dreams about trying to find accommodation. I was trying to find accommodation for a man with wife and children as well as trying to find a solution to an illness of his.
17P 00

I had dreams of difficult escalations, With rocks falling where I was grasping. In one of these I reached the top of the hill and found musical instruments which had not been used for a long time.
17P 00

I had dreams of needles, together with the anxiety of being hurt by them.
17P 00

A dream of giving tasty sweet to a pet, then realising the negative consequences on the health of the animal. The sweet was given for trying to train the animal.
17P 00

Dreams of black sharks whose fins had been cut by fishermen, therefore it was impossible to recognise their presence and the danger involved. One of the sharks was endangering my boat by bumping Into it. I was worried I might lose control.
17P 00

I have been having dreams about trying to find toilets with privacy. Last night I was trying to find a toilet with privacy but for my partner as well as for myself.
17P 00

One month after remedy I started what I call informative training. Dreams which give me ideas and information on how to do things.
17P 30

I had a dream last night, I drew something during the meditation and I didn't know what it was, and the dream began. My understanding was it's a propeller from underneath a ship and I lay there and saw this incredibly huge operating thing - polishing - it was horrible, it was coming towards me and it was going to slice through me. And I just, I didn't fight, it was fine, I understood that I needed this really incredibly strong metal cutting tool to get through me because it was the only way it was going to get to the stuff inside me, so when I first woke up with these pains in my back, I just thought Oh, well that's where I've been cut.
21G 02

Driving out of the B&B I was in the exact place of a dream the night before. I had dreamt that I was driving out of the B&B in the morning and there was a yellow and black lifting barrier, like those in car parks, which was raised. I thought that it was a good thing it had been raised the night before or I would have crashed into it in the dark.
22G 02

Had to wake early. Woke in the middle of a dream. Going around the world on an old fashioned motorcycle, to a fortified place, seeking scientists, searching for scientific information. The dream seemed familiar as if I had had it several times recently.
22G 12

Dozing off on a coach I kept having a dream that I was dropping something and woke up. It is normal for me to have that dropping off feeling just as I nod off, which often wakes me with a start. However, this was the other way around I was asleep and dreaming and the action in the dream seemed to wake me with a start.
22G 12

Three times this morning I was woken from dreams by a loud noise (once) and shouted words (twice) that were dreamt but were dreams superimposed on the dreams I was having. This was a new experience and echoed what was happening on the coach a few days ago.
22G 16

Have had fish appearing in my dreams an awful lot. The dreams are not necessarily about fish but they are always there somewhere in the background.
22G 27

Had disturbing religious dreams last night. Cut the palm of my left hand with a sharp knife yesterday, and this seems to have inspired stigmatic dreams or half dreams.
22G 53

I was at a seminar in a large country house. I was being criticized for doing all the things that I objected to and had not done. Couldn't find a door to escape.
22G 57

Slept badly. Nasty dream of a pederast seducing a young schoolboy. I was both the characters in the dream.
22G 57

It took place in the town where we used to have a shop, we had come back, a rival shopkeeper, took my wife, threatened her with a knife and tied her up in a cupboard. I had to do exactly what he wanted. The next day everyone acted as normal and no one wanted to hear about it. They all treated him perfectly normally. Threatened by him, but more threatened by everyone else's conspiracy of silence. 22G 60

Had a terrible night of dreams didn't really sleep at all. Resolved to remember them as I woke during the night but in the morning they were gone. The only one I remember two women tied me down and cut off my genitals leaving just a mass of blood.
22G 68

Have had several dreams about etiquette. Big issues about who was sitting where at a dinner party. About getting things right.
22G 71

Went to visit a friend. She goes upstairs to have a bath. I go with her and massage her and help her wash. She then dies peacefully and I carry her cold, clean body to her bed and make love to her. I have recurring thoughts about the cold, clean, marble figure of death as my lover.
22G 71

Horrible dreams last night. A budgie in a cage turned into an evil dwarf samurai that kills children. Somehow I let him escape and had to go and find a friend to help me catch him.
22G 71

Powerful dreams of dirt, infection and shit. Several with this strong theme but no details.
22G 86

I am being chased and whipped by a woman who is some sort of governess. She is using the laces from her corset to whip me which she had taken out in a really sexy way.
22G 99

I am in a hotel room trying to find some clothes to wear but they are all too small. There is no privacy and people are coming in and crowding me.
22G 99

Dream that I was going to the toilet and among the shit were worms about an inch and a half long they were metallic and perhaps mechanical and they were in threes writhing around each other. Later another dream in which I went to urinate and all that came out was drops of blood followed by the same worms, in threes and writhing viciously.
22G 99

On two occasions people had money which was mine and which they should be returning, (one was a bank, one was a shopkeeper) and they wouldn't. I pleaded and argued to no avail and then sobbed and sobbed, particularly upset as one was a birthday present. This is the opposite to how I am in real life, when I would stride in and confront, and stick to my guns until I got results.
23G 04

Friends were having a party to which I was invited and went - The bit which struck me was the talk of their young daughter who had died (in the dream). I realized in the dream that I knew this and saw a replay of her father carrying her out of a burning building across the roofs and she was charred all over. I felt profoundly sad for them.
23G 05

Dream about having an affair with a vicar, although all that happened was we were seen together walking holding hands.
23G 07

Dream that one of my children's friends came to play and passed two enormous piles of shit on the lawn, which I then had to shovel up. I was a bit miffed.
23G 84

Dreamt that I was with an ex-boyfriend with whom I did not enjoy sex and that I was walking along the street with him thinking that I would like to be asexual.
25G 00

Dream about a 12 year old mentally handicapped girl. She was singing a song in a hall in front of a hundred or so people and I was stood next to her while she did it because she was nervous. Then later on my partner was forcing her to have sex with him in front of me and I was telling him not to because it wasn't fair because she was handicapped and 12. The dreams had a strong feeling of things not being fair for other people who couldn't stand up for themselves and me trying to stand up for them and to protect them.
25G 00

Dreams of stabbing my father because he bullied and insulted my brother who is older than me but can not stand up to him as I can. There was some sort of family get together and I tried to get my father to go into the kitchen so I didn't embarrass everyone by making a scene but I really wanted and intended to stab him because it was so unfair to my brother.
25G 00

It was just a static image. It was a leaf, a big leaf, like a palm leaf and I was just really aware of the structure of it. The form, and the veins on it. It was something to do with the leaf being cut up the middle. I was aware of the way it had been cut and the jaggedness in the middle, and I just remember thinking that's exactly like human skin and flesh. And that was it. It was just that image, completely flat and completely still, no movement, nothing, just that. It was just like human skin and human flesh when it was cut.
25G 02

It was just about kindness. Like a big circular tube. Inside the circular tube everything was completely white and I was just walking through it and it was just kindness. It was ice-creamy, cloudy just this sort of softness and it was just so starkly different from the feelings that I had had the day before.
26G 03

Physicals

Sensorium Head Outer head Sight and eyes Hearing and ears Smell and nose Lower part of face Face Teeth and gums Taste and tongue Inner mouth Throat Appetite, thirst and desires Belching and nausea Stomach and hypochondria Abdomen Rectum and stool Urine Male sexual organs Female sexual organs Voice & Larynx, Trachea & Bronchia, Respiration Cough Inner chest and lungs Heart, pulse and circulation Neck and back Upper limbs Lower limbs Limbs in general Sleep Temperature and weather Fever Attacks & periodicity Locality & direction Sensations Skin

Sensorium

Felt cold, especially hands, before going for a short walk. Now feeling very warm and also slightly dizzy and nauseous with dull ache in pit of stomach.
02P 15 13.15 NS

A dizzy feeling in my head. My eyes go all blurred and I feel that I am about to faint.
02P 17 XX.XX NS

Woke up feeling groggy and needing peace and quiet to start the day. Smoking worsens headache. I only have a cigarette when I really need one.
02P 27 XX.XX AS

Yesterday and day before felt off-colour, slight diarrhoea, very tired and wiped out and also dizzy as if I were about to pass out.
02P 80 XX.XX NS

Every time I walked downstairs I kept hold of the rail at the top because I felt slightly dizzy, like my legs would go from under me and that I would fall. I didn't.
05P 07 XX.XX NS

I didn't have that much of a hangover really, it was not as bad as what I'd expected considering how much I had drunk. But I did stay in bed till midday. I did not feel sick or woozy and I only had a slight headache for a short time which went away on its own. Usually if I drink a lot I'm sick at the time and the next morning I feel really terrible.
05P 16 XX.XX NS

I woke up and my head feels heavy, as if it can't balance. I find I am leaning to the left, like a giddiness but not swimmy. The room is not going round I just feel I am veering to the left.
07P 02 07.00 OS

I feel tilted to left, as if I only have the left half of my brain, so I am unevenly balanced.
07P 02 08.30 NS

I sit up again and wait for giddiness to settle. I feel off balance.
07P 03 07.30 NS

I woke up and feel as if I've slept badly. When I sit up I feel so giddy I have to lie down.
07P 03 XX.XX OS

In bed - moved my head and room started to spin round and round - no nausea - just took a few minutes to calm down.
07P 20 XX.XX NS

Head

Headaches 13.00-14.00. Not bad but a pressing sensation over the eyebrows.
02P 04 13.00 NS

Feeling quite tired with headache, over eyebrows, squeezing sensation, Also stabbing sensation in top of head, on and off.

Pain in top of head developed into a squeezing down pressure, as if my head were being crushed by a heavy weight, or perhaps as if it were being squeezed between jaw and the top of the head. Feels sort of squashed.
02P 07 22.00 NS

Cold starting, Nose slightly blocked and slight pressure in sinuses. Pressure headache over my eyebrows.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

Woke up feeling the groggy effects in my head of having smoked the night before. A sort of dull sensation in my head. I'm not used to this.
02P 16 XX.XX NS

Last night the headache was almost unbearable. Went to bed. Was feeling very cold internally and the headache was awful I put a hot water bottle at the back of my head and it felt better.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

A bad pressure headache all day, especially bad at base of skull, a feeling of being pressed down on. It almost felt like a migraine, though I have never had one of those before.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

Intermittent pressing pain on left side of head above temple, but not uncomfortable.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Got into bed about midnight, felt really tired and that I wanted to sleep. A headache developed (think it must have been alcohol-related). The ache was all over the top of my head. The back of my neck hurt also which is not uncommon as I often suffer from neck pain. The ache got progressively worse, I still had it at 1a.m. I decided to take a pain killer because I really needed to sleep.
05P 07 XX.XX OS

I have had a headache since 1 p.m. It started in the front of my head, now at 4 p.m. it has moved towards the back of my eyes, the pain is dull. It continued all evening.
05P 19 13.00 NS

Wake feeling worse, head cold, so I stayed in bed. Feel better during the day. Persistent tickle cough, better for bathing. Scanty nasal catarrh, and some crusty coryza.
06P 35 XX.XX OS

Felt a pressure on either side of head, in front of ears near sideburns during the meditation.
07P 02 10.00 NS

Head ache heavy over eyebrows. Dull ache feels like a heavy floor is going right through my head, but pain is only at front of head. Have visual impression that top of head is empty!
07P 06 23.00 NS

Afternoon drags by. I'm clock watching. I have a dull, heavy head. It's not so much painful as just there.
07P 14 XX.XX NS

Pain in head front above eyebrow throbbing - lasts only a few minutes.
07P 23 19.00 NS

Felt pressure on top of my head for 20 minutes. Continued with slightly lesser pressure all evening and into next day with a slightly dull headache.
09P 01 17.00 NS

Briefly felt a band and slight pain in a line simultaneously across the front of my face from in front of my ears and across the bridge of my nose.
09P 01 17.00 NS

Had dull headache and pressure on top of head for most of morning. Pressure was down from on top.
09P 03 XX.XX NS

Headache at 1.30 frontal for 1/2 hour or so - dull diffuse, like slight pressure extending around sides like a band to back of neck also around eyes.
11P 10 XX.XX OS

Headache towards evening (9-10pm), pressive, temples, extending in a band around head.
11P 19 XX.XX NS

Headache. Woke up with it and it lasted all day till 9pm. felt like my head was under pressure, blown up like a ball but a bit too much and associated with a dull ache. Not terribly bad.
12P 38 XX.XX NS

Very bad headache all day, feeling of pressure and as if I wanted to press my head but nothing really made it feel better.
12P 64 XX.XX NS

I started to have a symptoms similar to migraine. I do not normally suffer from migraine. Strangely they appear at the end of the week. Physically, I feel a headache on the right side, nausea and dizziness. All this is accompanied by a feeling of emotion
17P 00 XX.XX NS

Cold lasted a few days during which I experienced mild headaches, restlessness, nausea, shivering trembling, tiredness, and sleeplessness. The headache was a left sided headache.
17P 00 XX.XX OS

Sudden sharp pain on the left side of the head right beside the eye lasted one minute.
22G 01 17.00 NS

Woke up with a terrible hangover, as per usual in recent weeks, only I didn't have a drop to drink last night!
22G 51 XX.XX NS

Outer Head

Noticed that my scalp has become very itchy and flaky and I have an itchy, flaky spot between my eyebrows.
02P 22 XX.XX OS

My head is itching, I scratch like mad, can't leave it alone. It is an itchy site on the head normally, but this was worse than ever.
07P 02 15.00 OS

Sight & Eyes

Eyesight still not sharp, has not been since the beginning of the proving.
02P 10 XX.XX NS

My eyes are stinging and unfocused. I think its because of all the crying I did today.
02P 13 XX.XX NS

My eyes feel blurry and watery, as if there were a film over them.
02P 14 09.00 NS

Facial tic, quiver, of outside of left upper eyelid in the evening.
02P 38 XX.XX NS

Eyesight extremely poor today, and a strong sensitivity to light.
02P 40 XX.XX NS

Eyesight still very poor - fuzzy and hazy, especially long distance.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

My right eye feels itchy, I had to rub it. It is red in the corner.
05P 25 XX.XX NS

I felt very clear, my eyes felt very clear and I'm not wearing my glasses anymore since the Falco proving and I'm looking out for visual changes.
06P 03 XX.XX NS

Wake a couple of time, lots of "sleep" in eyes, 1st left then right. Eyes difficult to open. Eyes red and swollen, bloodshot and watery. Worse looking at other people's eyes. No pain, just felt slightly tender and watery.
06P 36 XX.XX NS

Wake, left eyelid stuck together, light yellow crusty discharge.
06P 37 XX.XX NS

Occasional sharp pains in sides of eyes, like tiny pins piercing.
11P 06 XX.XX NS

My vision has deteriorated and I now feel as if there is a mist over one eye or one eye is not in focus with the other and I have to keep blinking to adjust them. When driving I have to constantly remind myself to concentrate as I feel as if I'm in a sort of fuzzy load of cotton wool and very distracted.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Night vision vastly improved. Driving in the dark a pleasure. (1 normally hate it). Clarity of vision and ability to focus on small print also improved. Acuity of vision, a bit like when you take a psychedelic drug.
12P 01 XX.XX NS

Swimming curved and swirling white lines in front of my eyes (when closed).
22G 01 17.00 NS

Became strongly aware of the tic in my left lower eyelid which I have experienced over the last month or so.
22G 01 17.00 RS

Hearing & Ears

Sensitive to small sharp noises. The click of the car door opening made me jump. Enjoyed the crackling of the fire burning up.
02P 01 18.30 NS

Day after taking substance walked at lunch time, wind hurt my ears - got anxious and annoyed - turned round and came back.
04P 02 14.00 NS

Senses still more acute - hearing odd - either very acute or can't hear background noise at all.
04P 03 XX.XX NS

Bit of a cold today - pressure in right ear - can feel blockage of ear down neck.
04P 09 XX.XX OS

Incredibly bad earache (left) walking in the cold wind - > in warm room. It made me feel almost moody.
04P 16 XX.XX NS

Smell & Nose

As part of this new cold (as with the last) I have lost most of my sense of smell & therefore taste.
01P 32 XX.XX NS

Nose was snuffly, throat slightly sore, which I put down to smoking too much last night. As I got ready to go out, nose became runny, to extent I had to blow it. No more snuffles after that.
05P 02 08.30 NS

My nose is full of mucous and I have to keep mopping it and blowing. It is clear mucous. My nasal cavity feels stopped up.
07P 02 16.00 RS

Have noticed that until last couple of days have had unusually dull sense of smell. Now I am becoming more sensitive. I love the smell of tobacco and of cannabis, although I would smoke neither. I hate the smell of smoke, urine, faeces, cat sick , which make me nauseous.
11P 39 XX.XX NS

My nose was congested, I was aware of it in a very 3-dimensional way and realized that the congestion was much further forward than it usually is.
22G 01 17.00 NS

Haunted by a smell similar to burning hair. I don't think It was even real to start with but all day it felt like this smell was clinging to me and I couldn't get rid of it.
22G 35 XX.XX NS

Caught a smell in a fish and chip shop and it haunted me all day as if it had been caught in my clothes and my hair though it clearly wasn't. Couldn't escape it.
22G 41 XX.XX NS

Have had a number of minor nosebleeds, nothing major but quite often.
22G 63 XX.XX OS

Naso-pharynx totally clogged with mucus, felt like partially set, wet concrete.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Lower Part of Face

Strange feeling in jaw worse on the left side, had the same feeling once on taking speed. Tightening, clenched jaw feeling, lasted an hour.
02P 01 18.30 OS

Little blisters in the corner of my lip either side - 3 each side now gone.
04P 09 XX.XX NS

Noticed my jaw felt stiff. It is like I can't open my mouth wide and with ease. It is uncomfortable to do so. It feels like there is a sort of force or pressure stopping me I have a sort of bruised feeling with it. It is slightly worse on the left side.
05P 09 12.30 NS

I still have the pain in my jaw today, definitely more noticeable on the left hand side. It feels stiff and bruised. Eating on that side, chewing things is really uncomfortable. It has been the same throughout the day.
05P 10 XX.XX NS

I have a split in my bottom lip. It is quite small, towards the inside of the lip and on the right hand side.
05P 45 XX.XX NS

An itch starts up in the centre of my chin it feels exactly in line with the bump that has come up at the back of my head.
07P 02 15.00 NS

I notice a red spot has come up on the top of lip left side, it is not sore or itchy and there is one above it.
07P 03 13.00 NS

Face

Eyes feel slightly sore and also forehead, which also feels slightly burnt, as though I had been walking at length in a cold dry wind.
11P 06 XX.XX NS

Spot between eyebrows, (associated with period). Never had a spot there before.
12P 38 XX.XX NS

An enormous spot appeared on my forehead between my eyes. Absolutely huge and in exactly the same place as where I had a spot last period.
12P 67 XX.XX NS

Dropped a pen in a supermarket and had to ask the checkout girl to move so I could retrieve it. I blushed a bright scarlet, so much so that even my hands were a glowing red. I do blush, but this felt extreme and my wife remarked that she had never seen me blush like that.
22G 08 15.00 NS

My frontal sinuses to be inflamed so that I've got swellings diagonally from the top of my nose across my cheeks which are tender to touch.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Teeth & Gums

Skin behind top wisdom teeth - feeling that teeth were trying to come through - teeth are fully through! Feeling went off next day.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Pain upper right molar, dull pain which comes and goes, bleeds on flossing, don't like the smell.
06P 03 XX.XX RS

Strong pain and bleeding on flossing upper right molar. Worry and think about seeing dentist.
06P 31 XX.XX NS

Top left tooth at the very back acutely sensitive to hot and cold then all the other teeth beginning to jangle.
12P 08 XX.XX OS

Taste and Tongue

Last night I woke in the middle of the night - the tip of my tongue was burning. A pinpoint of pain as if it had been pinched or burned. I took a mouthful of water & it calmed down a bit & I went back to sleep (I was worried that I wouldn't be able to).
01P 29 XX.XX NS

First cigarette of the day tastes vile. I had to throw it away before finishing it. Very unusual. Have only smoked about five cigarettes, no strong craving.
02P 04 XX.XX NS

I have a really strong taste of tobacco in my mouth. I can't get rid of it, i.e. by drinking water. My mouth feels like there is a slimy film in it.
05P 04 XX.XX NS

Two ulcers on top surface of tongue, painful whitish/yellow, one right, one left.
06P 32 XX.XX OS

Felt as though end of tongue burnt, which gravitated towards right side of tip of tongue by following morning.
11P 01 XX.XX NS

Inner Mouth

Lots of saliva in mouth and also a feeling of mucous arising in back of throat.
02P 01 18.30 NS

Noticed I had a blood blister inside my right cheek, in line with my bottom row of teeth. It was not painful. It was about 1/4 cm big. There was another blood mark next to it. I don't know how long it has been there for. I burst it.
05P 07 XX.XX NS

I experienced a strange sensation in my mouth when I ate a piece of kiwi fruit, it reminded me of what it might be like to eat a stinging nettle. It felt prickly, like pins and needles.
05P 25 XX.XX NS

Sore throat and painful tongue ulcers. Bleeding but no pain in upper left molars/premolars.
06P 32 XX.XX OS

Mouth ulcer right inner cheek surface. Bleeding upper left molars on flossing.
06P 51 XX.XX OS

Mucous became slimy around area of remedy, saliva then increased in general.
07P 01 16.30 NS

Still have slimy feeling in a patch in the middle of my tongue, and now also in the top of my mouth reaching to the back of my throat.
07P 01 19.30 NS

I am aware of my front teeth (bottom) feeling achy, the gum around them twinges the centre of my bottom lip is twinging it feels as if it wants to crack The tip of my tongue feels strange as if it is pointed and sore. It feels like an ulcer is coming.
07P 02 15.00 NS

Right at back of roof of mouth the arch feels painful on swallowing.
07P 02 18.00 OS

Very sudden awareness of increased salivation - flowing continuously.
11P 02 22.00 NS

Increased salivation again. This time with sensation as if salivary glands enlarged. Increased thirst all day.
11P 19 XX.XX NS

During meditation immediately on taking remedy I noticed lots of saliva in my mouth, which I was constantly swallowing (quite loudly) I could hear other people around me swallowing and so was not too put out.
13P 01 17.00 NS

Wake in the small hours with mouth full of saliva and blood, which I spit into a hanky before falling back into heavy sleep.
15P 05 XX.XX NS

A wart on the roof of my mouth came very quickly and the bulk of it seems to have fallen off again. These warts came and went throughout the proving. Often come and gone within a few hours.
22G 40 XX.XX NS

A point on the right side of my tongue is very sore it is as if I have bitten it or rather that I am biting it all the time. Tongue is too big for my mouth.
22G 66 XX.XX OS

Throat

Sensation of lump in throat on left side as I swallowed - felt like tonsils, but they were removed.
04P 15 XX.XX NS

Wake several times. Very sore throat, breathing through mouth. Salivating. Painful swallowing, better for a drink of water.
06P 33 XX.XX NS

Woke with sore throat, worse left side, voice very hoarse and cracking. Naso-pharynx completely clogged up. Felt like I was suffocating as I woke.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Sore throat moved from the left side to my throat pit, then back to my left side intermittently.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Sore throat was worse in the morning as I woke, but it eased off and returned intermittently, it seemed to return more in the afternoon or evening and sometimes not until I went to sleep.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Sore throat came on quite suddenly in the middle of a lecture as I was talking. Throat-larynx felt scrapy, dry and voice was hoarse.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

My left tonsil was quite red but it was the blood vessels of the tonsil that were really deep red and marked so that they were really visible.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Had to try and snort back really hard to shift mucous. Spat out a solid thick, sticky, orange lump, it made me gag.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Appetite, Thirst & Desires

No appetite. Had some chicken soup early evening. Everything still tastes salty.
01P 13 XX.XX NS

Thirsty. Drinking lots of water - 2 glassfuls at a time. Mouth dry.
01P 13 XX.XX NS

Appetite back to normal, although taste is dull (meaning lacking).
01P 19 XX.XX NS

Losing desire to smoke. After smoking a cigarette, lots of mucous rises in the back of my throat. 02P 02 XX.XX NS

Food is tasting delicious and I am eating heartily. Not enjoying the taste of tobacco.
02P 03 XX.XX NS

Desire for chocolate is much diminished as is desire for sweets and chocolates which actually make me feel nauseous.
02P 06 XX.XX NS

Big, big appetite for wholesome and hearty food, and eating with great appreciation and gratitude.
02P 10 XX.XX AS

Thirsty. Want and crave orange juice, but there wasn't any. It'll have to be tea.
02P 34 XX.XX NS

Appetite still very good. Last night we had a mild curry and although I'm not usually a great curry fan, I was aware that after eating the curry, my whole mood felt very much lifted and elated. Sort of fired up.
02P 42 XX.XX NS

Drinking lots of tea, far more than usual and smoking a lot more.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

Haven't cooked much - it just hasn't occurred to me. I used to be much more interested in food. 04P 99 XX.XX NS

Wanted to smoke a lot of tobacco. Probably smoked twice as much as I usually do.
05P 01 XX.XX NS

I really craved tobacco today, roll-ups and not the ordinary ones. I wanted them to be strong (as in roll-ups) the ordinary ones tasted strange, unpleasant, usually I don't mind them.
05P 02 XX.XX NS

The only physical symptoms I noticed today was that my appetite is poor. I was not hungry even at lunchtime.
05P 03 13.00 NS

I had a really strong desire for some chocolate. This isn't unusual but I had already had chocolate today and that's usually enough to satisfy my desire. I had to go and buy some. Also felt like I wanted to get really drunk (unusual) and craved alcohol.
05P 08 21.00 NS

I want to eat all the time. Stodgy food today, I think I'm comfort eating. It's like I need to feel full. I ate a dumpling this evening and I knew it had suet and was cooked in meat.
05P 22 XX.XX NS

I've had a really big appetite today - more than usual. I'm eating really badly too. I had to fried eggs and fried bread - it didn't satisfy me and I wanted more, something else.
05P 49 XX.XX NS

I didn't have any appetite today but I just kept eating - not continuously but every few hours I wanted something else. It was like a comfort eating but I didn't feel anxious. I really fancied fried eggs again today. I've eaten lots of bread and chocolate.
05P 50 XX.XX NS

I went shopping today in the supermarket. I wanted to fill my basket full of cakes and chocolate. They all looked really nice, I didn't buy them because I didn't have enough money, for that quantity! Sometimes I like things like this, I rarely buy them myself. This desire for cakes, etc. is not unusual it is just in excess of what it usually is.
05P 51 XX.XX OS

Appetite is not at usual times, normally eat at 6 p.m. and haven't; Feel appetite is being mucked around.
06P 18 XX.XX NS

Less desiring of chocolate - used to have a pathological desire but now I feel its not in control of me. Eating fresh fruit and organic food. Still buying chocolate, but it's not in control.
06P 20 XX.XX NS

Appetite good. Making my own breakfast cereal. Trying to make sure food is fresh and organic. 06P 24 XX.XX NS

Eat chocolate which starts sore throat and precipitates flu - I feel that the chocolate caused it. 06P 27 XX.XX NS

General sense of being worse for stimulants - chocolate and coffee, going off tea.
06P 29 XX.XX NS

No appetite really, slightly nauseous. Fancy chips, stodgy food, I don't want alcohol (unusual). 07P 02 19.00 NS

Lunch - I'm very hungry but I don't fancy much to eat. I haven't the usual interest in food except for starchy stuff, potatoes, biscuits, cakes.
07P 03 13.30 NS

Have a lager - not got a taste for alcohol on this remedy - but want lots of sweets and chocolates.
07P 15 XX.XX NS

Prepare roast - have smaller dinner but still hungry - wanting chocolate.
07P 24 17.00 NS

Eat, really enjoying my lamb stew, could have eaten it again. Craving green veg, eat all my sprouts, haven't been enjoying sprouts so much for ages.
07P 26 XX.XX NS

I have at the moment an increased sensitivity to alcohol - a couple of glasses of wine make me feel quite drunk and I feel a bit hung over the next day, (unusual for me). This has been the case at other times during the proving but at other times I have been able to drink a lot and not feel in the slightest bit drunk.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Bought a coffee cake and biscuits. It is about 10 years since I bought anything like that. I hate those sort of things normally.
12P 43 XX.XX NS

Desire to eat, am constantly looking for something to nosh from afternoon onwards.
13P 10 XX.XX NS

Decide to curb eating, OK until teatime, then constant desire to nosh. At 6pm decide that has to be it!
13P 11 XX.XX NS

In the evening I bought cigarettes for the first time in fifteen years and smoked quite a few.
22G 36 XX.XX NS

Every night I seem to be drinking a little more than I should and waking up hung over. Thinking about it I'm not drinking any more than usual but the effect seems to be magnified both at the time and the following morning.
22G 44 XX.XX NS

Felt a bit nauseous all day. Not hungry in morning for breakfast (Very unusual). Quite hungry at about 4 and nibbled while cooking tea (usual) but then couldn't face meal, not hungry, completely full feeling (very unusual).
23G 04 XX.XX NS

Not much appetite, although I am eating. Feel fullness in solar plexus area.
23G 06 XX.XX NS

Still feeling full, wanting to eat but not really any appetite. Feel bloated. Am pre-menstrual so am usually a little bloated, but usually have a voracious appetite.
23G 10 XX.XX NS

Unquenchable thirst. Drinking, cup after cup of tea and glass after glass of water - can down half a pint of water in one go and still feel thirsty. Wondered if I had diabetes.
23G 62 XX.XX NS

I have very little appetite and am particularly averse to breakfast.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Have wanted to smoke dope, which I have not really had an urge to do for about six months. I have rarely felt like it for years but do quite strongly at the moment.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting

Still feeling nauseous. Usual evening headache over eyebrows and right temple. Not bad just there, slight pressure.
02P 05 22.00 NS

On going to bed I felt nauseous and quite dizzy, especially on going upstairs to bed.
02P 15 01.30 NS

Nausea accompanies dizziness and exhaustion, especially after 22.00.
02P 66 22.00 NS

After eating felt like being sick - food sitting in the oesophagus.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Next morning had fry up - wanted to puke - threw up cuckoo spit.
04P 03 XX.XX NS

Went out and didn't drink - incredible wind from 2 diet Cokes, burping.
04P 09 XX.XX NS

Physically I felt a bit woozy, sick. I noticed this after I had had my lunch.
05P 07 13.00 NS

Empty belching, tense journey home in fog makes it worse - tightness in lower abdomen.
07P 07 XX.XX OS

Empty belching - not especially loud - lots of - and nausea. I had pickled onions for tea, maybe its them. One burp causes some mucous to rise up. It feels cool and tastes salty from back of throat into mouth - tightness in lower abdomen as if I've been tense.
07P 08 22.00 NS

Sudden onset of intense nausea, unusual absence of hunger - relieved by 2.30 after a light lunch.
11P 02 13.30 NS

I became a little anxious and nauseous from about 3.30 p.m. onwards. While cycling home, felt extremely nauseous and a little depressed. Took some comfort in thinking it was only the effects of the remedy! Nearly threw up, but stopped myself. Felt a little better afterwards. Very hungry at 7pm when got in, particularly after eating a mouthful, which completely stopped nausea.
11P 08 15.30 NS

During evening felt tired, cold and increasingly nauseous. Threw up at about 10pm after a time retching. Bland, light, not acrid. Cause, running in cold weather? Felt nauseous through evening. Then dry but thirstless. Eventually took a drink of water to take away taste. The water caused acid risings.
11P 12 XX.XX NS

Nauseous in morning, better as day progressed. Then nausea grew again towards evening. Threw up about 9.30 p.m. again bland, light.
11P 14 21.30 NS

Nausea morning and evening, especially first thing in morning and last thing in the evening, intense acid, especially after taking a cold drink.
11P 35 XX.XX NS

The nausea was short lived and did not caused vomiting. It got better after drinking black coffee.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

Continuous feeling of nausea, with nauseous headache as if hungover.
22G 00 XX.XX NS

Felt nauseous and had a headache all weekend. Felt like a hangover but clearly wasn't.
22G 66 XX.XX NS

Have felt nauseous a lot, especially after eating sweets. Very sharp pains in the chest extending to the back and arms, worse for movement, better for belching.
22G 73 XX.XX OS

Woke with a heavy nausea deep within my guts. Too deep to bring up and not moving out. Felt like taking a sword and slicing open my abdomen to let it out.
22G 74 XX.XX NS

I had 2 chocolate biscuits and a cup of tea before bed. Woke up an hour or so later vomiting them up in my sleep. I wanted to vomit more but it just tasted too awful. I have never vomited in my sleep before this proving, but this was the second or third time that I have woken with my mouth full of vomit.
22G 99 XX.XX NS

Scrobiculum & Stomach & Hypochondria

Pain in the centre of chest. Feels like gall bladder pain - shooting, radiating, lasted two minutes then eased.
02P 02 12.30 OS

Pain two hours after eating. Centre of chest and nauseous feeling with very dry mouth and lips.
02P 05 21.00 NS

Sharpish pain in the gastric/heart areas. only minutes duration.
02P 07 09.30 NS

My stomach was rumbling. It has been intermittently over the last few days. It only lasted for 2 minutes. There was no pain or discomfort.
05P 04 05.00 NS

Shortly after I had eaten I had a cramping pain in my stomach. Not severe but it caused discomfort. I went to the toilet (stool) which eased pain slightly. My stomach continued to make gurgling noises. It felt like things were fermenting inside my stomach. This stopped after 5 minutes or so.
05P 08 20.00 NS

did have a stomach pain. This continued after I'd been to the toilet (stool) this morning and into the afternoon. It passed after I went to the toilet again this afternoon. Going twice in one day is unusual but I did eat a lot when I got to my parents' yesterday evening.
05P 17 XX.XX NS

Stomach pains which were mild, intermittent, twisting, feeling like pinpoints. Pains were round navel and just above. Lasted 1/2 hour. The pain was felt in a distorted figure of eight, centrally.
06P 03 14.30 NS

Severe acid indigestion throughout afternoon and evening, until going to sleep.
11P 32 XX.XX NS

Heartburn at the top of the stomach on eating or drinking almost anything at all. Did have a little but now much worse.
22G 00 XX.XX NS

Had a terrible night. Awful heartburn with foul and burning eructations.
22G 57 XX.XX NS

Abdomen

While driving forty-five minutes after supper, dull stabbing pain, left of navel, with slight dull pain in heart area.
02P 02 21.30 NS

Lots of flatulence after a meal which included chips and bought cakes.
02P 06 XX.XX NS

Bad stomach pain from eating chocolate and sensation of it not going in the right place ie. not through the abdomen - really odd!
04P 16 XX.XX NS

Stomach pain, mild and dull, worse breathing, stretching. I'm bloating after eating.
06P 17 15.00 NS

Anxiety, fear in stomach, better for holding stomach with hands and breathing deeply, lasts about 5 minutes.
06P 22 15.00 NS

Feeling in bowels that I'm going to have diarrhoea. A few tummy pains.
07P 03 10.00 RS

Trapped wind with loud farts, which do not completely ease the pain from the wind. Little or no smell. 09P 22 XX.XX NS

Wind is still a real problem. It was so painful last night that it woke me up and even some powerful farts did little to relieve.
09P 36 XX.XX NS

Sharp pains in the kidney most of the evening. Sometimes felt in the back but more usually in the loins.
22G 01 22.00 OS

Woke with nausea and dull ache in the guts that extends to the testicles.
22G 74 XX.XX NS

Rectum & Stool

Stool. First since taking the remedy, very unusual. Small, hard balls, very hard to pass.
02P 03 20.00 NS

Have noticed a difference in stool over the last 2 or 3 days. Going 2 or 3 times a day rather than once. Stool very large and quite soft. Also a chestnut colour. All unusual.
02P 14 XX.XX NS

Urging around midday with lots of farting, rushing to the toilet, then passing a massive and very smelly stool.
02P 39 12.00 NS

Another morning of soft, large stools, and very smelly. I realize that a I have been farting much more than usual over the proving period.
02P 42 XX.XX NS

Stool symptoms now turned to small hard pellets, difficult to expel.
02P 43 XX.XX NS

Pain in rectum - almost a feeling of a ball in the anus. Lasted 5 to 10 minutes. Yesterday and the day before a lot of constipation.
02P 63 04.00 NS

Tuesday night diarrhoea from Thai food - went off after one bout -no pain- went on for ever - smell of rotten eggs.
04P 11 XX.XX NS

Woke around 8.30am. At about 8.45am suddenly needed to go to the toilet. It felt really urgent, I had to rush to get there. I had really bad diarrhoea, it gushed. It was like I'd only just made it to the toilet in time. Stool stank very loose, grey, yellow, painless.
05P 07 08.30 NS

Brief sharp pain on defecation, in rectum, first stool only, stools normal.
06P 57 XX.XX NS

I can feel that there is movement in the bowels - as if I'm going to have diarrhoea. I have loose stools and flatus.
07P 03 07.30 RS

Stabbing pains in spots in bowel, passed loose stool, feels incomplete, pain afterwards in rectum for about 20 minutes as if I have strained.
07P 03 21.00 OS

Stools rather loose, have been for a couple of weeks, go before breakfast as well as afterwards. Anus slightly burning with I go.
09P 14 XX.XX NS

Stools smelt appalling at about 10 a.m. - like cross between rotten cabbage and the smelliest baby nappy I've ever changed.
11P 10 10.00 NS

When I took the remedy I had recently returned from abroad and had weird guts and didn't know what was what. So I didn't bother to record anything. But now I believe it has quite an effect producing both constipation with smaller stools than one would expect.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Went to toilet. Stools - yellow, not quite diarrhoea, but came out with flatus (ie. gushing and flatus, small hard brown stools followed, after lunch exactly the same, went to the toilet for a pi-pi, not to pass stool! After apple and tea, rushed to the toilet, exactly the same as before.
13P 02 11.30 NS

Slept well, woke at 6.15am went to toilet to do pi pi but passed stool as previously.
13P 03 XX.XX NS

Rushed to toilet during my bran flakes, practically not gushing, mostly soft stool, again first bit yellow, then brown soft stool.
13P 04 09.00 NS

Blood in stools, which has been there virtually every time for the last month, stopped.
22G 06 XX.XX AS

Stool has been much softer almost liquid and is quite yellow in colour.
22G 06 XX.XX NS

Loose stool in the morning with the above sort of aching, worse before stool. Felt slightly nauseous when passing stool.
23G 03 07.30 NS

Stool - at mid day - soft (not quite loose) but passed with quite a lot of blood. Not particularly painful but accompanied with same sort of aching as day 3. Blood was oozing quite fast from inside the anus. Stopped within about 10 minutes. Felt slightly faint immediately after passing stool. Sometimes get piles and pass stool with a trace of blood, but never as much as this.
23G 04 12.00 NS

Stool in the morning soft but formed, some blood passed! not as much as yesterday and it stopped quicker.
23G 05 07.30 NS

Urinary Organs

Last night had to go to urinate three times before going to sleep, finally. The urine was clear and foamy.
02P 71 XX.XX NS

Woke up - throat feels awful - painful. Better for drinks. Only had two more drinks than normal - but urine increased a lot.
07P 23 XX.XX NS

Urine odour very strong at midday - not offensive or sour or sweet- pungent perhaps!
11P 05 12.00 NS

Around 1 p.m. urine smelt extremely pungent, more so than yesterday.
11P 06 13.00 NS

Urine smelt really strong at about 1 p.m. More flowery this time, less pungent.
11P 11 13.00 NS

Urination has been less frequent I think (although this may be because I am drinking less - keep leaving my cups of tea around the house and losing them!) certainly much less need to get up in the night.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Woke in the night to pee, (not particularly unusual although it has increased over the last couple of weeks) I noticed that my urine had a very strong flowery smell, almost perfumed.
22G 21 03.00 NS

Again the urge to urinate and the impulse to just let go even after I had just passed water.
22G 47 XX.XX NS

Had to get up to pass water and afterwards only felt that I had to even more.
22G 57 XX.XX OS

Male Sexual Organs

Itching on scrotum and shaft of penis, and mild redness after scratching. Redness went that night.
06P 30 XX.XX NS

Small painful pimple on the base of my penis, came up very quickly and came to a head.
22G 03 XX.XX AS

Sharp needle like pains in my genitals, off an on for several days. Very sharp, it really feels that there are needles digging into them.
22G 63 XX.XX NS

Female Sexual Organs

Woke again at 7.40am, really needed to go to the toilet. My stomach hurt, aching, similar to period pain. Pain went after I'd been to the toilet. My period started at 11.30am. It has come 2 days early. This is quite unusual, usually only starts on 28th day.
05P 04 XX.XX NS

I noticed that my period had stopped overnight, this is very unusual for my 3rd or 4th day. Flow started again about noon.
05P 07 XX.XX NS

Normally I have uneventful periods, what I have just realized is that with each since the proving I have had headaches and spots and now period pains - and the symptoms seem to be getting worse.
12P 67 XX.XX NS

Aching around pelvis - felt like ovary area at front but also at the back. Lasted most of the day.
23G 03 XX.XX NS

Period started today night. Lots of pain and aching all day. Unusual to get so much pain all day before. When flow started, it was brown and mucousy - it would normally finish like that and start bright red.
23G 12 XX.XX NS

Period very slow to start, didn't start properly for one day, just light brown discharge. This slowness and discharged has remained for the following three periods.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Periods seem to have been very erratic since the proving, first was excruciatingly painful, felt like my uterus was being ripped out, compelled to double up on my knees on the floor holding my abdomen and rocking backwards and forwards very violently and very fast and roll over on to my back and pull my knees hard up to my chest and roll from side to side. The period was also very heavy, it was more like a haemorrhage right through the duration of the period. Third period had same slow start but much lighter than usual and no pain at all, even though there were consistently massive clots, some four inches long and two inches wide, really thick and sludgy. The last period was very short and very light.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Sensation of a huge, dense bowling ball in my lower abdomen a day or so before my period and for the first day of it.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Voice & Larynx, Trachea & Bronchia, Respiration

There is a tightness across my chest & I'm rather short of breath. I first noticed this on day 2 or 3 with the group. I'd taken the "child" position (knees to chest, arms to sides), at the time I thought "oh I'm just pressing into my chest" - but there was a definite constriction.
01P 04 XX.XX NS

Still have the effects of this cold - runny nose, sneezy, but also shortness of breath, this I noticed at the start of the proving.
01P 33 XX.XX NS

Woke - couldn't breathe - struggling in sleep, then woke - scary!
04P 16 XX.XX NS

Went to bed. Became aware that the breaths I was taking were shorter than usual, I was not feeling anxious or anything. As soon as I was aware they became their usual length again.
05P 02 24.00 NS

Dry irritable cough. Mild shallow asthma. Aware of breathing, brings back memories of being around 7-8 years and not being able to breath - must think about breathing.
06P 33 XX.XX OS

On waking felt faint in chest, as though there was not enough oxygen, unpleasant feeling, worse lying down.
06P 37 XX.XX NS

Breathing became more rapid, the breathing was in absolute harmony with my heart beat. This lasts for about 5 minutes, then calms down.
07P 01 16.30 NS

One of the group comes to my aid and talks me through my breathing which has become more rapid. I'm advised to breathe out through my mouth - this helps to relieve the pressure.
07P 02 16.00 NS

I feel better for sitting upright and breathing out through my mouth. I'm aware that I seem to be doing the breathing, it's as if I'm having to use a voluntary process of breathing. It was as if the muscle in the centre of my chest wasn't able to do it for me.
07P 02 16.00 NS

Catarrh building up in throat affecting voice - have to keep clearing throat.
07P 06 XX.XX RS

On leaving Tesco I notice my tickly cough is starting up in the cold foggy air, which makes me aware of my chest and breathing.
07P 08 XX.XX NS

Difficulty breathing. Chest oppressed. Worse going up anywhere. Worse going to bed. Whole symptom much worse. Nose is obstructed, right at the back.
22G 00 XX.XX NS

Breathlessness is getting worse and I feel out of breath all the time and especially on exertion. It is not an obstruction or anything like that it is just I haven't enough breath.
22G 20 23.00 OS

Woke with the sensation of breathlessness not able to get enough air. I have never before had this sensation without at least some exertion beforehand.
22G 21 07.00 NS

Difficulty breathing is much worse on going to bed. New modality.
22G 86 XX.XX NS

Cough

There is a tickling in the centre of my chest, inside the trachea. I can feel mucous building up there. I give a couple more coughs, over a period of 20 minutes I feel a pressure building up in this area in the trachea.
07P 02 15.00 NS

Wake up coughing - mucous in my throat. Back to sleep for an hour.
07P 05 06.00 NS

Tickly cough (not much). Mucous in trachea seems to be coming from same area in chest as before. 07P 06 XX.XX RS

I notice I'm having to clear my throat again, there's mucous about in the trachea and it's tickling (slightly) in centre of chest.
07P 07 19.00 NS

Dry cough, irritating me. I can feel there's a little mucous in lower trachea (centre of chest) and it's hanging about. Catarrh is slipping down back of my throat every now and then.
07P 13 XX.XX NS

Inner Chest & Lungs

A stabbing pain in right ribs in the evening. Lasted two minutes.
02P 16 XX.XX NS

Pains for the last two nights over the heart area, worse on inspiration, at approximately 23.00. sharp and then a sort of sticking.
02P 45 23.00 NS

Still left lung symptoms at night - sticking points and sense of congestion.
02P 49 23.00 NS

I'm aware that I still have the pressure in my chest and the wheeze. My breathing is still laboured; its as if the chest pressure is stopping my muscle from working - the rest of my lungs feel okay, it all seems to be centred in this circular area in my trachea, between breasts.
07P 02 16.00 NS

Heart, Pulse & Circulation

Heart started beating faster, very rhythmical, very strong pounding. I thought I would be able to see my heart beat through my clothes, but I couldn't.
07P 01 16.30 NS

Over the last few weeks I have noticed some strange fluttery sensations in my chest and occasionally slight pain. I think this is very much something that has returned since the proving but is not related to the proving - I had a whole load of weird heart sensations a year ago.
12P 00 XX.XX OS

Neck & Back

All across the base of skull feels tight and stiff, radiating into left shoulder blade.
02P 01 20.40 AS

Had to change sweaters, I was wearing one with a neck that felt too tight, and I felt almost suffocated.
02P 15 XX.XX NS

Left shoulder held very high. Pain and tension in left neck and shoulder when I relax it.
02P 17 XX.XX AS

Left neck and shoulder still very painful in a line all the way down to base of shoulder blade.
02P 20 XX.XX NS

For the past week my shoulders have been aching. Not all day but in bed at night. It makes it very difficult to go to sleep. They feel bruised and achy, shoulder to shoulder and down the back of my neck. I've had this for a while but this is the worst it's been for ages.
05P 46 XX.XX OS

Muscle pain, dull, right-hand back of neck and shoulder (trapezium muscle), lasted about 1 hour, felt like a strain. Felt better for rubbing. This was accompanied by a headache across the top of the eyes.
06P 04 22.00 NS

Dull muscular pain lower back, left and right lumbar (not spinal), had it most of the day, not sure when it started.
06P 29 XX.XX OS

Patch of psoriasis appeared on neck - right hand side/back - itchy, rough, tender. Later it was itchy at the front of neck.
06P 43 XX.XX NS

Intense stabbing pains, especially in the right and left side of neck, but also all over. The duration of the stabbing pains is short and frequent, like a pin point.
06P 58 XX.XX NS

My lower back aches a lot on waking but is better after I have been up for half an hour.
07P 02 07.00 NS

The itch continues dead centre between the shoulder blades. That point is exactly in line with the pressure in my chest.
07P 02 15.00 NS

Lower back pain as if spine - level with hips -is all clamped together. Nothing seems to relieve it. Dull ache, feels better if cushion pushed into back but pain doesn't go.
07P 32 XX.XX NS

Lower back felt dull pain extending across to sides. Better for movement.
09P 07 18.00 OS

Twinged lower back doing yoga, so stopped doing it altogether - nervous back will go as last time.
13P 15 XX.XX NS

Neck slightly stiff when I turn head to left, extending to back. Stabbing pain extending into back, half way between shoulder and backbone, left hand side, all day.
14P 10 XX.XX NS

I woke up this morning convinced I've got kidney stones. I was just in absolute agony - my back was really sore and the pain began at about 5 am.
21G 02 05.00 NS

A lot of acne has come up on my back. It feels more like it did when I was a teenager.
22G 07 XX.XX OS

Woke this morning with aching neck and shoulders and upper back as though I'd strained muscles by doing really heavy work, I hadn't.
23G 07 08.00 NS

I had really bad pain in the lower back, but really bad, I just didn't know what to do with myself.
26G 02 XX.XX OS

Upper Limbs

Noticed red, raised bump on middle joint of right little finger, stiff, arthritic pain on flexion. Warmth ameliorates
02P 03 12.00 NS

Woke up with stiff knuckles on my right hand and a gone to sleep feeling in my right hand.
02P 06 XX.XX NS

Hands a bit stiff this morning on waking, especially the right hand.
02P 34 XX.XX AS

Stabbing pains in the bones of my right hand especially along the outside edge of the hand.
02P 73 XX.XX NS

My fingertips (notably more on my left hand) had the sensation of pins and needles. This sensation lasted about 2 minutes.
05P 01 19.30 NS

Noticed that I have a small transparent lump on my right hand. It is just below the knuckle of my index finger (on the hand itself). It is hard and skin-coloured. I wondered if it is a wart. I have never had one before. Can't recall this being here before.
05P 12 XX.XX NS

I have noticed over the past few days that the wart I have on my right hand has got bigger. If it is more raised and redder.
05P 46 XX.XX NS

Notice pustule left index finger at the base of the proximal phalange.
06P 32 XX.XX NS

All day left thumb is sore - piece of skin is hanging near nail.
07P 05 XX.XX OS

Keep thinking my thumb joints are aching - on flexing the thumb.
07P 18 XX.XX NS

Transient tingling of fingers, especially little finger of left hand, 10 minutes after taking remedy.
11P 01 XX.XX NS

Sharp pain left shoulder briefly, leaving slightly bruised sensation.
11P 02 09.30 NS

Pain in right shoulder noticed around 3 p.m. Quite a blunt, diffuse, sore pain. Felt a little bruised for the rest of the day.
11P 07 15.00 NS

Sudden diffuse pain in right shoulder at about 1.30 pm, which then went, leaving bruised sensation. This then travelled towards left shoulder during the afternoon.
11P 08 13.30 NS

Woke with ache in right hand making middle and ring fingers ache when holding a pen. Bruised feeling near wrist.
14P 04 XX.XX NS

Had been sleeping on right hand, weakness of wrist is worse. Consciousness of weakness in right hand and wrist whilst using a keyboard at work.
14P 06 XX.XX NS

Sensation as of a splinter under my right thumb (the nail had come off very short a few days ago, but the sensation is disproportionate).
14P 11 XX.XX NS

The right thumb is very inflamed and the cuticle has come right back from the thumb and it actually looks bruised, its blue, and this is not a common symptom for me.
15P 02 XX.XX NS

The ends of my fingers were really throbbing and at first I thought it was just kinda fear and then I looked down I really needed to hold my hand and the ends were just alive and then my hands seemed to get bigger and bigger and I was holding my wrists and they seemed to be getting smaller and smaller.
21G 01 17.00 NS

There is a weakness in my left wrist, several times in the last few days, I have sprained it badly from very little exertion.
22G 09 XX.XX NS

Burnt my hand with some boiling water. Very painful at first, but later, though it blistered quite badly, I couldn't feel any thing. It healed painlessly and quickly.
22G 15 XX.XX NS

Woke up with very sore joints in my hands and all the way up to my elbows.
22G 69 XX.XX OS

Burnt right hand three times in last couple of days. Twice on stove once on oven.
23G 08 XX.XX NS

Right wrist still aching. Like old symptom from when I fell when pregnant 8 years ago. Pain constant, not severe, not stopping me from doing anything, but I'm aware of it when moving or twisting, palm side, little finger side extending about 6-9 inches up arm, sometimes arm feels 'jarred' when I move it. Also, twice in the past week I have fallen onto that side onto the wrist.
23G 39 XX.XX NS

Lower Limbs

A "burning" sensation on the tops of my left 2nd and 3rd toes - happened a few times, lasting an hour or so.
01P 35 XX.XX NS

The sensation as if the hairs on my big toe right were being rubbed the wrong way. I kept taking my shoe and sock off to see if a) my toe was irritated (it wasn't) or b) there was something in my sock or shoe (there wasn't).
01P 40 XX.XX NS

Pain in right big toe starts quickly. Lots of pain and it feels inflamed and swollen. Neither heat nor cold relieved. Could not sleep for pain. Slept about 02.00. Pain feels arthritic, or as if toe is broken.
02P 03 00.30 NS

Woke up still with pain in right big toe. Couldn't walk without pain.
02P 03 08.00 NS

Toe now quite swollen and painful, red around the cuticle, feels arthritic or broken, but no throbbing. better out of shoes and for warmth.
02P 03 XX.XX NS

Pain and swelling all over the top of my foot with the ball of the foot painful to walk on, but I can walk. Putting shoe on was very difficult foot swollen and painful. Walking is OK, but on stopping, the foot starts to hurt.
02P 04 XX.XX NS

Ball of right foot painful and aching with occasional sharp stabbing pain. Similar to arthritic toe pains. Necessitates slight limp.
02P 10 23.00 NS

Back to wearing fluffy boots. My feet have been cold over the past three days of not wearing them.
02P 15 XX.XX NS

Pain in left knee, below the - cap, with stiffness, so that walking is slightly painful. Started in bed last night and is still here this morning. Also pain in left hip last night, but that was only momentary.
02P 54 XX.XX NS

Knee pain was better yesterday, but is back again today - same - left kneecap, just below, and walking is painful.
02P 56 XX.XX NS

Couldn't get up - knees felt swollen and rheumatic - still do - generally aching today.
04P 40 XX.XX NS

When I woke up this morning (8am) my legs felt really heavy and painful. They were heavy to the extent I felt that I couldn't move them (momentarily). The pain felt like they were bruised but it was quite a sharp pain, it was more noticeable in my thighs. As soon as I had woken up properly and moved from the position I'd been sleeping on, right side, on to my back the pain and heaviness went.
05P 13 08.00 NS

Pins and needles in my feet this morning when I got out of bed. They were OK after about a minute when I started walking around.
05P 14 XX.XX NS

We walk to college and my legs feel strange. They feel as if they are going to let me down as if they haven't been used for a long time.
07P 02 09.00 NS

On rising felt pain - dull ache in right hip in one spot, same pain as was in right leg lasts about 20 minutes.
07P 04 07.00 OS

Pain (dull ache) in left hip. It is in hip joint. Aches on movement. Lower limbs ache generally in the bones. Ache on left shin outside of leg and rear and on instep front of left leg near ankle.
07P 04 08.00 NS

Outside ankle joint right is achy and big toe is painful flexing it.
07P 18 XX.XX NS

Have felt weak and given way several times and almost every time I have attempted to run. (The message seems to be don't do any physical exercise!)
12P 00 XX.XX NS

When I woke up this morning (8 am) my legs felt really heavy and painful. They were heavy to the extent I felt that I couldn't move them (momentarily). The pain felt like they were bruised but it was quite a sharp pain, it was more noticeable in my thighs. As soon as I had woken up properly and moved from the position I'd been sleeping on, right side, on to my back the pain and heaviness went.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Knee and ankle gave way on trying to run (just down the road). This has happened several times but I've forgotten to record it.
12P 39 XX.XX NS

Did a yoga session, everything OK with back, but noticed old muscle problem in left leg has returned and is worse, couldn't straighten my leg.
13P 30 XX.XX NS

Stiff hip joints (top of legs) especially left side (from sitting on the floor all weekend?).
14P 03 XX.XX NS

If I bend forward, it feels like hamstring tendons not long enough.
14P 10 XX.XX NS

Sudden sharp, short-lived pain in the back of my left knee. Occurs when walking, fine until suddenly it feels as if the tendon has over-stretched and is going to snap. It feels like the bottom part of my leg will swing forward because there is nothing to hold it in place. It feels like there's a huge, thick, wide rubber band that runs down the back of my knee and it feels like it's stretched too thin and is going to snap. This happens unpredictably.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Really sharp pain in my right knee like a sharp nail being driven through it, and I have never ever, never had that.
26G 02 XX.XX NS

Limbs in General

Woke up with arthritic pains in my bones - middle back, neck, wrists, knees and right hip.
02P 40 XX.XX NS

I feel trembly, shaky. My legs feel shaky when I walk downstairs. If I exaggerated my bodily movements I think it would be like I was trembling, that my limbs would actually be physically moving.
05P 08 XX.XX NS

When I get up my body aches. Right hand and forearm especially. Feels as if I've exerted myself. Muscular aches.
07P 14 20.00 NS

Limb joints ache on movement elbows, knees, ankles - like 'flu pains. Finger joints.
07P 23 18.00 NS

Sudden and serious worsening of my arthritis. Worst on the index finger of left hand and little finger on the left (usually worse on the right. Pain all the time, cannot straighten fingers. Left index finger seems to be twisted outwards. Pain in all my joints this morning: fingers, wrists, elbows and shoulders. Even felt it in the joints of my toes this morning (never happened before). Wrists and fingers weak and painful, could not open a bottle.
22G 57 XX.XX IOS

Sleep

I am not precisely sleepy, yet I want to sleep because "perchance to dream".
01P 01 22.00 NS

I slept wonderfully, on my back, very soundly despite getting up to pee at 2:15.
01P 02 XX.XX NS

I did not sleep well, neither did I dream. I'd have said I hardly slept, but I didn't hear the church bells until 7:00.
01P 03 XX.XX NS

Hard to go to sleep last night - not deep refreshing sleep I have normally.
01P 06 XX.XX NS

I was awake before 6:00 today. I have been waking earlier - is it the changing light or am I needing less sleep? I sleep minutes after the light is turned off and do not wake 'til morning, not remembering dreams.
01P 43 XX.XX NS

Insomnia. Thinking of war following watching a Chinese War film.
02P 31 XX.XX NS

Sleep is deep and refreshing, with none of they usual trouble in getting to sleep.
02P 42 XX.XX NS

Sleep very deep and refreshing. For the past three weeks I have woken up very early 6 am but have then gone back to sleep.
02P 49 XX.XX NS

Went to bed late last night and couldn't get to sleep until about 3 am.
02P 54 XX.XX OS

Virtually no sleep for two nights now. Unusual during the proving. Last night may have been due to sadness between partner and myself. Last night I was to buzzed up - had feelings of excitement, elation and business - like Christmas.
02P 63 XX.XX NS

The night substance taken slept really deeply and well - no dreams.
04P 02 XX.XX NS

Felt tired, lasted 1/4 hour, he wanted to put his head on a desk and go to sleep.
06P 03 14.00 NS

Had breakfast early. Felt tired and slept from 9-1 pm felt better afterwards. I'm sleeping a lot, sleeping through the itching.
06P 52 XX.XX NS

I slept well, fell asleep easily, but changed sides frequently in the night. I didn't want to sleep on my back. 07P 02 XX.XX NS

I can't get comfortable in bed, I can't get to sleep so easily as last night. Neither side feels comfortable. The right side feels as if it is hindering my breathing. Eventually settle for half right side, half on back. Saw animals faces and eyes on closing eyes, real close up of owls eyes 0 0. Kept tossing and turning. Woke suddenly in middle of night.
07P 03 XX.XX NS

I fancy that I'm better about waking in the mornings at the moment. Normally I'm drowsy and find it difficult to wake up.
07P 13 XX.XX NS

Fell asleep into exceptionally deep sleep at 10.30 p.m. Unusually deep sleep, more-or-less dreamless.
11P 01 22.30 NS

Night a little restless - slow to get to sleep, sleeping light, easily woken.
11P 21 XX.XX NS

I am falling asleep even more easily than usual and sleeping very heavily. I have not been waking during the night to go for a wee, (which I normally do), although this seems connected to decreased production of urine at night in general as I don't wake in the morning dying for a wee. On waking I feel heavy and stuporous, like I am half asleep still, can barely open my eyes. It seems as if it will be a huge effort to get out of bed and start the day but once I start to do so I am not at all tired and getting up is actually no effort.
12P 00 XX.XX NS

Slept very well and fiery heavily (Although I sleep pretty well most of the time the quality of this sleep was different)
12P 01 XX.XX NS

Slept very badly for the last 2 nights. Keep waking, could not get off to sleep, waking early.
12P 22 XX.XX OS

Waking at 7 am having had lots of very vivid dreams about homœopathy.
12P 49 07.00 NS

Woke up about 6.30 am and couldn't get back to sleep, alert and ready.
13P 05 06.30 NS

I find that I have been waking almost every morning at 6 am and then going back to sleep.
22G 00 XX.XX NS

The last couple of nights I have gone to bed not because I am tired but just because I didn't feel like doing anything else. Usually I only go to bed when I am too tired to do anything else. As I was not as tired as I usually am, I had difficulty falling asleep.
22G 14 23.30 NS

Woke from a dream because I thought that I heard my son shouting "Dad" in a desperate way. Everyone was still asleep.
22G 99 XX.XX NS

I desperately want to go back to bed, when I have gone back to bed or gone to bed in the afternoon I sleep solidly and very deeply for hours and wake up feeling worse and even more drugged.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Feel extremely tired on waking, as if I need another two or three hours sleep.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Temperature & Weather

Very excited by the heavy hail which fell yesterday and this morning.
02P 76 XX.XX NS

I had like cold rushes, going up my shoulders, everywhere I am not leaning against the radiator; its cold, almost like a cold sweat but little tingles, and down my legs. In between my fingers are very sweaty but they're not generally too sweaty. Cold, very cold and very calm.
04P 01 17.00 NS

Hate being in a draught - before wouldn't have bothered. Feel chilly - wearing more clothes - heating full blast.
04P 03 XX.XX NS

Sat in garden at night without coat - didn't bother me but later took time to warm up.
04P 09 XX.XX NS

Felt cold. Wore a coat in school and at home, but didn't notice till others pointed it out. 09P 22 XX.XX NS

Still feel very cold. It just suddenly comes on at any time of the day and can last up to an hour. 09P 36 XX.XX NS

Really enjoyed the cool, damp air - while cycling to work at 8.45 am - unusual for me as don't normally like foggy weather.
11P 08 XX.XX NS

Generally hotter than normal. Always warmer in bed than partner. Normally it's the other way round.
12P 44 XX.XX NS

General increase of body heat which reminds me of returning from the tropics. Enjoying the sensation of coldness on bare arms.
15P 02 XX.XX NS

Generally the symptoms were bad in the morning and cleared by the afternoon.
17P 00 XX.XX NS

I have noticed that I get patches of icy coldness on my skin. This is most noticeable in bed and most noticeable on the front of the thighs. However, it isn't restricted to these. Have felt it on chest, shoulders, arms and the rest of my legs. The patches are large and of an odd shape and they feel so icy that they are almost burning. This symptoms persisted for at least six months.
22G 75 XX.XX NS

Really cold all day, even sitting right in front of stove. Couldn't get warm.
23G 07 XX.XX NS

Increase in body temperature, worse at night, in bed, and during sleep. Heat radiating from me so my partner couldn't get close, it was just too hot. Partner said that after I woke up he could feel the heat radiating from a as I walked past him a couple of feet away.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Also had flashes of heat, overheating sensation in a warm room, had to fan myself for a short while, can feel like I will pass out.
25G 00 XX.XX NS

Fever

Last three days a mild form of flu-symptoms headache top of head with pain at base of skull, worse 22.00 onwards. Cold and shivery, early evening, then from 22.00 onwards flashes of heat with dizziness and giddiness.
02P 66 22.00 NS

Attacks & Periodicity

There seem to be very specific, particular time modalities in this proving.
02P 05 21.00 NS

I give a cough. I was surprised at how sudden the itching and the cough came on.
07P 02 15.00 NS

There appears to be some periodicity with this remedy, I think. About 5 to 7 days. My only concern is that the intensity of the symptoms doesn't seem to lessen much as time progresses: actually the depressions are not quite as deep, but more debilitating because tiredness is increasing. It's like being on a roller coaster, only each up and down trip leaves me more exhausted.
11P 60 XX.XX NS

Locality & Direction

Left side of body strong and well defined; right side weak and kind of foggy.
17P 01 XX.XX NS

Sensations

When I woke up I noticed I still had tight feeling in my chest, still that sense of apprehension.
05P 09 XX.XX NS

I have felt quite anxious today, I've noticed a fluttering feeling in my chest.
05P 20 XX.XX NS

Get ready for bed. My whole body feels achy as if I'm getting the flu.
07P 04 23.00 OS

Feel weak (as if about to get a cold), but not getting better or worse.
09P 25 XX.XX NS

On going to bed peculiar sensation of tingling in feet in spots which moved around. Felt like crickets jumping on and off of feet onto bed.
11P 03 22.30 NS

On leaving work sensation of tenderness of soles of feet as though having walked around in wet shoes all day (had before when shoes had been wet).
11P 04 17.30 NS

During night and early morning felt very bruised all down right side and nauseous.
11P 43 XX.XX NS

On several occasions a sensation as though a large insect settling on my vertex.
11P 52 XX.XX NS

Strange sensations in my head of a vague, fuzzy, slightly sensation round my head. Like I was physically spaced out.
12P 02 12.00 NS

Afternoon and all evening: sensation as if there were hairs in my throat (probably from Misha's carpet). 14P 03 XX.XX NS

Feeling a little odd, particularly late afternoon, early evening. Yesterday at this time, felt as though something, coming on (e.g. cold) - slight rawness in chest, ears vaguely hurting, but nothing this morning, no cold.
23G 06 XX.XX NS

Skin

I noticed an odd red mark on the hell of my left hand, at the base of my "mound of Venus". It was sensitive without being painful or itchy, disappearing with pressure but returning.
01P 03 23.30 NS

Last night I noticed a raised red mark to the left of my right nipple. Not like a pimple - hard and painful to touch.
01P 18 XX.XX NS

The painless red spot on elbow is fading but there is another on the right underarm.
01P 49 XX.XX NS

Two blue spots that were always on my shoulder blades reduced to almost nothing.
04P 02 XX.XX CS

Have had quite a few spots, acne. This is quite unusual, especially as I have not got a period. I had a lot during my teens, these had more or less cleared but I notice they have returned. Usually they don't have heads, at the moment they do.
05P 25 XX.XX OS

Noticed a small patch of eczema has appeared on the fourth finger of my left-hand. Haven't had this for about six months.
05P 27 XX.XX OS

Spot under right thigh itches. Realize 2 spots about an inch apart, new one is below the old one.
06P 22 XX.XX NS

Infected red swollen pustule on back over right scapula and a couple of smaller ones. Mild pain on touching, squeezing. No discharge but feels like a boil.
06P 25 XX.XX NS

In bath noticed 3rd and 4th spots on right inner thigh, away from groin. No sensation. Look like flea bites, but with no itching.
06P 25 XX.XX NS

Notice psoriasis patch the size of a 1/2 penny on right elbow, extensor of joint, it is red and flaking.
06P 37 XX.XX NS

Psoriasis on elbow joints itching. A patch of psoriasis appears on right knee joint.
06P 40 XX.XX NS

Right elbow sore, felt hot and tingly after scratching, worse for scratching which leads to it feeling more itchy.
06P 43 XX.XX NS

Wake feeling itchy - right toe, left hand, all round back of neck, elbows and buttocks. Notice small vesicle spots 1-2 mm across, with redness around circumference on flexor side of forearm, left and right arm. Feel skin symptoms are spreading, its like an eczema.
06P 50 XX.XX NS

Have found a moley protuberance on hip, it is swollen, tender, hurts to touch it. I had a strong fear of tumours at the beginning of this proving.
06P 51 XX.XX NS

Have vesicles everywhere, on abdomen, back of legs and chest. Feel OK. Apply calendula cream. Feel better after a bath with tea-tree/calendula/lavender oils.
06P 51 XX.XX NS

Lesions on wrists feel more like stinging nettle rash. Skin around lesions is white after scratching.
06P 52 XX.XX NS

Itching is intense, "voluptuous", it keeps moving around, have to scratch until it is sore. Worse back of legs and hands. Rash is everywhere except on face, soles of feet, palms of hands or penis. Arms are covered, neck is rough, elbows are red and sore.
06P 52 XX.XX NS

Had a better nights sleep, itching is not too intense, it's much worse during the night. Woke at 4-5 am, and went back to sleep.
06P 54 XX.XX NS

Have blisters, red and sore, all over. Ears, left elbow and both heels very sore. The skin symptoms are very intense. I scratch until they are sore, it feels better for scratching, but the scratching makes it worse. Arms, legs, chest, abdomen, back, elbows all feel burned, red, sore and swollen. Had goosepimples. Skin is hot.
06P 54 XX.XX NS

Got angry with the kids at work. Anger made the eczema worse. Trying hard not to scratch, the rash is now very bad because of the scratching. I feel distressed, I need treatment, I feel like I want to scream. It gets worse all the time. Right ear is very burnt, hot and rough (dry). My whole body is burnt. My face, palms and soles are the only bits that are OK. Feels better for a hot lavender bath, with the water very hot.
06P 55 XX.XX NS

Feel better for a hot bath, it makes it feel better for 2 hours. I notice that as I cool down the itching starts coming back and gets worse. When I got to bed it is a dry heat which makes it worse, only hot and wet makes it feel better.
06P 56 XX.XX NS

I notice a pimple has come up at the base of my hair line, at the back of head, dead centre. I avoid scratching it.
07P 02 15.00 NS

I am itching in a line under my right breast (along an old shingles line) it goes round to my back.
07P 02 15.00 OS

Awoke about 3.30 a.m. Legs below knees very itchy. As though sprinkled with itching powder. Less itchy on scratching, but left an uncomfortable burning sensation. Itching lessened during course of night, but still vaguely present.
11P 06 03.30 OS

Skin still itchy but didn't disturb greatly. During next day spread to different parts of body, especially trunk . Also scalp a little itchy.
11P 07 XX.XX NS

Slightly painful boil emerged behind left ear appeared a.m. eased by evening. Painful boil emerging nape of neck .
11P 08 XX.XX OS

Back itchy during day, especially evening. Skin around ears and side of face tender towards evening. As if sides of face slightly bruised.
11P 18 XX.XX NS

The fatty spot on the back of my neck finally burst - no blood, just fatty globules with a little serum.
11P 44 XX.XX NS

Back is still really itchy. My whole body is in one way or another but it feels like a good thing. An externalizing and a sloughing off of stuff that has never cleared.
22G 20 XX.XX NS

Working in the garden in the unseasonable weather yesterday I got several small cuts that became infected very quickly and did not respond to tea tree oil as such infections usually do.
22G 23 XX.XX NS

The small cuts on my hands are getting better but more slowly than usual. While infected and still while getting better they are surrounded by a circular red area, just under a centimetre in diameter.
22G 25 XX.XX NS

Noticed that all but one of the calluses on my hands have disappeared and the major ones on my feet are certainly better, no longer cracked and a little softer.
22G 46 XX.XX CS

Have been getting fewer pimples but instead have had several large angry red boils, no pattern to their position and they take a long time to go away.
22G 74 XX.XX NS

Back is still very itchy. I take a large butcher's knife and scratch with the sharp edge. Almost crash the car when I have to scratch.
22G 99 XX.XX NS

Positronium Introduction	Positronium Materia Medica	Positronium Repertory	Positronium Cases

A Brief overview of Positronium

Crack Willow Introduction	Crack Willow Materia Medica	Crack Willow Repertory	Crack Willow Cases

Anti Matter

The Homœopathic Proving of

Positronium

A Remedy prepared from the Annihilation Radiation of Positronium

an atomic structure consisting of an electron and a positron

Misha Norland

&

TG 15

At the School of Homœopathy

1998

Materia Medica

Mind Themes of Positronium

Matter

Oneness

Clarity

Energy

Indifference

Decay

Weight

Earthy

Stony

Compression

Oppression

Centred

Calmness

Within oneself

Self centred

Clarity

Structure

History

Organized

Unsure and Confused

Torn apart

In a Foreign Place

Energy

Curiosity

Restlessness

Weakness

Aggression

Exercise

Practicality

Flatness

Don't care and can't be bothered

Sexuality

Isolation

Threatened

Ugly

Destruction & Oblivion

Dirt

Death

Evil

Physicals

Sensorium

Head

Outer Head

Sight & Eyes

Hearing & Ears

Smell & Nose

Lower Part of Face

Face

Teeth & Gums

Taste and Tongue

Inner Mouth

Throat

Appetite, Thirst & Desires

Hiccough, Belching, Nausea & Vomiting

Scrobiculum & Stomach & Hypochondria

Abdomen

Rectum & Stool

Urinary Organs

Male Sexual Organs

Female Sexual Organs

Voice & Larynx, Trachea & Bronchia, Respiration

Cough

Inner Chest & Lungs

Heart, Pulse & Circulation

Neck & Back

Upper Limbs

Lower Limbs

Limbs in General

A Remedy prepared from the
Annihilation Radiation of Positronium